Weddingbee boards

I guess I spoke too soon when I said last week that I hadn't experienced much "wedding drama" yet - I sure have my fair share now! I know this is long but I've got to get this off my chest and I could really use some advice and support from any destination bees (or any others!) who have dealt with this sort of thing.

Mom and I went to Hawai'i last week for our planning tour and before I left I assigned FI with the task of getting a guest list and addresses from his father.  When I got back, I mentioned it to him and he said "oh..." and looked down.  At first I thought it was just because he forgot to do it but then he told me what's really going on.

Apparently, his aunt and most of his family are super upset that we're having the wedding in Hawai'i because they will "not be able to come" because it will be expensive and they "can't fly with the kids."  They think we should have the wedding locally or, preferably, in Atlanta (where they live).  When he told me I got SO angry for several reasons.

1) I have no ties to Atlanta and neither does FI (besides his family).  Even if we weren't having a destination wedding, it would NOT be in Atlanta, it would either be in New Orleans or Dallas so they would still have to travel.

2) I have wanted to get married in Hawai'i, ever since my parents took me there when I was 8 years old.  FI has wanted to get married on a beach as long as he can remember.  There are no beaches in Atlanta, Dallas, or New Orleans.

3) His family isn't paying a cent for any of this - my parents are paying for everything.  The only expense they would have would be for the airfare and the hotel.  I understand that is not cheap but it's certainly less expensive than paying for half of the wedding.  I think that if they want to have a say in where the wedding is, they need to be paying for at least part of it.

I know I should probably just say "screw it" and let it go but it really upsets me.  I don't feel like this part of the family actively makes an effort to be a part of FIs life (for the record, he feels the same way) so why should they expect us to plan the wedding around their wants and needs?  Why should FI and I have to give up our dream wedding because someone else is throwing a temper tantrum about having to fly to Hawai'i?  The worst part is they are saying this was my mother's idea and so they blame her for putting the idea in my head and me for going forward with it so it's "all our fault."  I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable or a bridezilla here - they are being the in-law-zillas!!

Ugh, I just am at my wits end with this which is so upsetting because I was so excited about wedding stuff last weekend and now I just feel like running off to Vegas to elope. 

Does anyone have any advice or been through a similar experience?

Wow, that sounds terrible!

Here are some thoughts:

Is this their wedding? No. Do you want to look down the road in 5, 10, 20 years and say that "we were going to get married in Hawaii, but cancelled that because someone didn't like it" and you hated the wedding? How would you feel telling someone close to you that you're giving up what you want because someone is bullying you into what THEY want for YOUR day? Yes, I understand everyone wants to be there. Besides, are they holding the wallet? No. Do you tell them how to do things? No. That's like walking into a grocery store and having someone come up to you and tell you the disapprove of the peanuts you're buying because they're allergic- um, hell no. lol! But they are not you or your FI. They have not wanted this since they were 8 years old (i.e., with a lil' stalking, almost 20 years ;)). And now you have the opportunity to realize your dream. Many people (including myself) can't have their dream wedding for whatever reason. Go for Hawai'i, girl! You two deserve it! Say "aloha" to their selfish heinies and go get married the way YOU want to- it only happens once! :)

I had this problem too!!! The FIL's were upset because they thought that NOBODY would come and it's too far, etc.  But they came around to the idea, and it looks like many ppl ARE going to be able to come.  There is this 1 aunt the my fiance says HAS to come that he can't imagine getting married with out her there, but she wouldn't be able to afford it. So I told him that we should pay for her.  But other than that, it's everyone for themselves.  And whoever can come will come, and we MIGHT have a party afterwards if a lot of ppl aren't able to come.

It's YOUR wedding do what you and ur fiance want!!! Don't give in to bullying!! lol

One of my pet peeves is unsolicited opinions.  Ugh!  I am sorry you are dealing with this.  I agree with the other bees that you should have the wedding you and your fiance want.  Destination weddings are harder in that it asks a bit more of your guests, but your guests do have the choice to send you good wishes and not attend.  I like the idea of a hometown reception/party post-Hawaii.  You can celebrate with guests who are unable to make it to Hawaii.  Show your wedding video if you do one or have some photos for people to look at.  But, the most important thing is that if your fiance isn't worried about having this part of his family at his wedding, then there is no reason to make any changes.  Let them be annoyed.  They will get over it.  And keep telling everyone how this beach wedding is what you and your fiance have always wanted.  Just say it over and over, with glee and enthusiasm.  The idea that your mom "made you do it" will eventually fade away.

Oh!  I don't expect them to go!  I didn't mean to sound like I expect everyone to come - we knew when we chose the destination wedding that many people would not be able to go and we were okay with that.  I guess I should clarify and say that these same people who are barking about how expensive it will be to fly to/stay in Hawai'i chartered a cruise for their family reunion two years ago so I have a hard time believing that money is really the problem.  Besides, I'm fine with them not going and so is FI, I just think it's crappy for them to expect us to change it for their sake.

As for the at-home reception, we are absolutely having one!  Some friends of ours are throwing us a huge house party where we'll have a luau themed bbq and everyone is invited.  We made sure to arrange that before we officially decided on the destination wedding because we want the people who can't go to the wedding to have an opportunity to celebrate with us.  We explained that to them but they are upset about that too because "it won't be the same." :(

@sapphire - I heart you.  Seriously, your comment made me smile and laugh and totally validated my feelings at the same time.

Same to the rest of you - really, this is so helpful for me to be able to get this off my chest and get some outside opinions and support. Thank god for the 'bee!

@maryjane - Thanks :)  Part of the reason I get so frustrated is that we have a lot of friends that are practically dead broke (college students, work in the service industry, etc) but are looking at it as an "excuse" to take an exotic vacation that they wouldn't have otherwise.  Seriously, I've been amazed at the people who are doing their damndest to go when I thought they would have just said "see you at the house party!" So to turn around and have family act that way just blew me away.  I almost feel like they are more "family" to us than the FILs!!

No problem! Glad to have helped. :)

My OWN mom is the one who is unhappy about our destination wedding--and we're only going from Chicago to Hilton Head Island, SC.  I figured since it's not THAT far, airfare wouldn't be so bad.  But my mom was upset because some of her family that lives locally can't afford the airfare.  I understand her point of view, but there's no guarantee that if I had the wedding locally that they would attend.  

Truthfully, I think a destination wedding works like a charm to weed out those B-list guests who mom and dad make you invite...

Then again, I'm not a traditional bride.  I am inviting about 70 people and will be perfectly happy if 25 attend or 50 attend.  I really don't care as long as my family and two best friends are there.