Post # 1
A few days ago, we established an engagement timeline and I am SO HAPPY. I hinted that I was uncomfortable making important life decisions together without a commitment. He asked me when I’ll have to decide which university to attend for grad school; I said next March, so he said: that’s not a problem, we’ll definitely be engaged by then! He then said we should go ring shopping sometime this summer.
AH 🙂 I cannot WAIT to be his wife!
Now onto the bigger issue. He will start his master’s degree this fall. He’s doing a fast-track option so he should be done by next summer, although he’s not sure that he’ll be able to finish by then and thinks it could take two years. Meanwhile, I’m graduating from by bachelor’s next semester and I need to apply to grad school this fall if I want to start next year. My programme is not available anywhere nearby, so I’ll have to move. This means that we may have to spend a year apart if he needs two years to finish his degree. This terrifies me – I had a LDR before meeting my SO and it traumatised me; long distances tend to create insecurities that I don’t have otherwise. We’ve been living together for 2 years so being apart would be harsh. I know our relationship would survive, but I don’t want to be depressed during the entire time. SO said he could deal with it and supports me furthering my education.
I could just stay for another year while he finishes up his degree and work full-time (I am currently a student), which wouldn’t be so bad since I could save up money and get some experience; however I’m afraid that I won’t be able to find a job in my field. It’s a quite small field in which I have some experience, but only through summer or part-time student positions.
Have any of you lived apart from your beloved for some time? Were you able to cope? I’m not sure what factors to consider when making this decision so any advice would be great. Thanks!
Post # 3
My SO and I did two seperate summers of long distance and winter breaks (probably about 7 months total long distance) and it was HARD, but I never felt scared about it because I knew he loved me enough to stay with me regardless of our time apart. I’m excited about your timeline!! Congrats!!
If I were you I would accept that you may have to do long distance and try to figure out how often (if it should happen) you could visit one another. And I might not be the only one to say this, but communication in long distance is super important, while not being clingy. When my SO and I were long distance we talked on the phone almost everyday and tried to skype once or twice a week. What really helped tho (possibly TMI?) was phone sex or skype sex depending on how daring you are. It relieved stress for us and helped us feel connected even though we were thousands of miles apart.
One thing is that although you’d be away from your SO you shouldnt feel depressed all the time. He would still love you and you’d still love him- just from further away! Plus you could take up a new hobby or spend more time with family and friends while he was gone. Long distance is hard for sure, but not impossible 🙂 It will make you stronger if you can do it and be successful
Post # 4
my and fiance and I did long distance for almost 2 years… sometimes it was really hard but we made it a priority to talk every night before bed we also were only about 3 hours apart so we were able to visit about once a month, that definitly helps, depending on how far apart you and you SO will be I would suggest at least trying to make time to see each other in person for a weekend every month or two. and just have faith and be trusting while your away
Post # 5
Darling Husband and I were LDR for about 10 months. 800 miles apart, so not too horrible a flight, but not that easy either. We have many times talked about how we feel that time spent so far apart has made our relationship stronger. We did miss having each other close , but we learned how to truly cherish our time together. We don’t bicker over little things because we actually appreciate all those annoying things we do (he leaves towels on the floor in the bathroom, I leave my shoes in the middle of the living room, etc). Those things were, oddly, some of the things we missed about each other when we were apart, so they’re far easier to tolerate now that we’re under the same roof. I’ve got a friend in a 5000-mile LDR and she feels the same way. Perhaps focusing on how you’ll each learn a much deeper appreciation for each other when ever the insecurities pop up.
Post # 6
We’ve been long distance for about two years now (two months of that married). I’m in Canada completing my graduate program while he moved to the US to do his; I’m moving to join him shortly.
It’s not great, obviously, but it’s really not that bad. We’re both busy with school; I’m busy with our daughter. We visit every 3/4 months usually, and we’ve been lucky to spend at least a month together each summer since he moved. We email every day and he talks on skype to our daughter almost every night, while he and I have a long talk maybe once every week/two weeks.
Maybe it wasn’t that bad for us as we’d had some practice when I’d been away before on fieldwork, but I really don’t find it too difficult. We have a really strong relationship, and this really cemented the fact that we are making a conscious choice to be in each other’s lives, even when things are tough or aren’t going the way we want.
Post # 7
We’ve been long distance for a year now and we lived together for a year prior to that, so it was a rough transition. I understand what you mean about having insecurities due to distance because I think that’s normal, but if you’re with the right person and you’re both committed to one another then it should work. You just have to make sacrifices. When my FH is not at sea (he is military) we have Skype dates every single day for as long as we can. We will watch movies together and try to time our meals so we can “eat” together (despite us being on a 16 hour time difference, haha!). You just have to both be willing to put forth the effort to make it work 🙂
Also, one thing that might be good is to just establish general “understandings” so you never have to worry about what each other is doing. Just things that are important to you both. For example if you worry about each other going out then make the understanding that you won’t dance with anyone else while you’re at a club or you won’t have more than X drinks, or whatever is important to you. It’s a lot easier to not be insecure when you know that you’re both on the same page.
Post # 8
@arathella: I only did long distance before Fiance and I found that it was a life saver in grad school. I could not have been a good spouse and a good student while working full time and going to school full time. My advice:
– Make a communications plan. I knew ex would call at 8:45pm every night and that we would talk for 5 minutes. He would not keep me on the phone when I needed to study and I would not keep him on the phone when he needed to kill aliens or go to bed. We chose not to text or email during the day because we were both busy people with busy priorities– we were living our lives instead of missing each other. We are both in fields where you have to be without personal phones, so this was not strange.
– Make a visiting plan. We planned to visit every week (we were 2 hours a day). Ex would drive to me on Friday night and would call me when he was released from work. We would then stay at my place or go to his parents, but every weekend we were together. My bff did a 1 week at hers, 1 week at his, 1 week off plan. Figure out what works for you. My other bff is 8 hours away from SO and plans to spend one weekend a month and all of her breaks there. In previous semesters she has put all of her classes on 2 days so she could be down there more (she actually interned there Thurs-Sun and took classes M-W).
– Don’t give your SO any reason to worry. LDRs are hard, so the best thing you can do is live your lives without trying to add jealousy. If you aren’t the type to go out to the bar with friends, don’t start now. If you aren’t the type to have guy friends, it is a bad time to start. You’ll end up in a race to the bottom.
Post # 9
Fiance and I did 4 years of LDR while 400 miles apart. We visited every 3 or 4 months for a weekend because we were poor students. We made the commitment to talk to each other every day, usually for about an hour. If we really didn’t have time one day we would discuss that beforehand so we were on the same page. We also made and kept the promise to each other to never hang up no matter how upset we got if we were arguing. Staying on the line let us work through our issues. We also knew that if the call suddenly cut out it was because it dropped not because we got hung up on, so the logical thing to do was call back and not get in a huff.
The most important thing for LDRs is communication, because it is basically all you have. In the end I think the LDR strengthened our relationship because we really learned how to communicate effectively with our words.
Post # 10
Thanks for the advice everyone! I’m sure it’ll be fine, especially since we can go into the LDR knowing what to do and expect, and how to prepare (based on your wonderful responses) rather than discovering major issues along the way. Thanks Bees!