- 3 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
I will just start off with staying this is just an EXTREMELY LONG rant from an overexhausted, 22 week pregnant woman who also had to clean up dog puke this morning before work.
My MIL…some of you may know my disdain for her. Some of you may not. She is a nice person, and I get along well with her, but I get annoyed with her often.
Besides being a hoarder and very overbearing, 2 things you need to know about my MIL (feel free to skip the examples but it will make it easier to understand)
1) She’s needy. MIL and FIL are still married, but, at best, they are just good roommates. FIL is an asshole that works all the time to avoid spending time with family. This has been since DH was young. FIL was verbally abusive towards his mom (and to DH and his sister). So to fill the missing husband void, MIL used DH. Just some examples:
–After college, DH found a job 90 miles away, which is where we live now. Because FIL didn’t want to help MIL and instead went to work, MIL, who had to go to work too in the afternoon, called DH and asked him to come all that way on a schoolnight (DH isa teacher) just give her horses water and hay. Unable to say no, he drove all that way for a half an hour of chores, and then drove back.
-She wanted us to drive 3 1/2 hours on a weekend just to help her lift a piece of petrified wood into her van and then drive another 3 1/2 hours to her place PLUS its still an hour and a half for us to get home just to help load this piece of wood from her childhood that she can’t seem to let go of.
-On a separate ocassion, she wanted to drive the same distance to help her load a broken piece of farm equipment from the 1920s because “it was passed down to your grandpa, and it would make a great lawn ornament in my yard.”
-In October of 2011 after she and FIL moved into their new house, we went down to spend a relaxing day with her. She complained about the piano (that she hasn’t played in over 25 years) being in the wrong spot after the move. She expected DH and I to move it. When he said no, it’s fine where it was until she cleaned up the basement, she found a plethora of other things which included carrying frames into a different room, cleaning, moving potted plants to an area of more sunlight, and rearranging furnitue.
*So these are just a few examples. This doesn’t include every SINGLE weekend where she wants us to spend the night with her. We live an hour and a half away, have a dog, and own our own home. Plus, we’re 28 and 25. We don’t spend the night with mommy anymore, but she has always been needy. One time, after not seeing him for only 2 WEEKS she wrapped her arms around him in public and walked next to him, even trying to grab his hand at one point while the wife, aka ME, walked behind, totally bemused.
2) She guilt trips. As I said, we live an hour and a half away from her, but we live 3 1/2 hours away from his grandparents. Here are some examples:
–http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-feel-bad-for-dh#axzz2mzGOVse8 <–In this instance, MIL was going to Mexico with FIL in February. DH went with my dad to a sports show, something she has no interest in, but she pushed herself in because she wanted to be with DH. On the other side of things, I went along with, but not to the sports show. I scheduled a hair appt and some other things. MIL tried to “guilt me” by saying that DH’s grandparents were coming up to our place and “you are really going to let her down if you don’t stay home and spend the day with her.”
–Back in January 2012 everyone was throwing a birthday 3 1/2 hours away for DH’s great grandma. We live in ND. Our winters are bad. MIL and grandma BOTH called DH when he said we weren’t going to go and told him “your great grandma is old and won’t live much longer. You need to come or she will be SO sad.” We drove 3 1/2 hours in the FUCKING BLIZZARD to go to a birthday where great grandma was only able to make a half an hour appearance. DH’s uncle, who only lives 30 minutes away didn’t even make it because of how bad the weather was. They then REGUILTED us when we wanted to leave while it was still daylight.
–We celebrated our 1 year anniversary on July 6. We had planned going out to eat together and taking our new puppy to the dog park. Coincidentally, they decided to have DH’s cousin’s 16th b-day party that day since they couldn’t have it on her actual b-day in June. DH TOLD his mom we were absolutely not coming because it was our anniversary, and she said, “Your grandma and I and the rest of your family is going to be very let down. Your cousin only turns 16 once.”
So, now that I have gotten that mess off my chest, here is what happened this weekend:
MIL came on the 1st to take Christmas pics for us. She had been complaining all throughout November that we need to come see her. Even in October she pulled the guilt tripping thing again by saying grandpa and grandma were coming up and they wanted to see us. We told her we were OOT, and she said, “they want to see their grandson who is going to be a daddy” and proceeded to complain for 10 minutes over the phone about how we never come see her or the family.
This weekend, the 13th (6:30-9:30) and 14th (9-4p), we have birthing classes, so I asked MIL how she’d feel if on the 13th we would spend the night. She complained it was only one night, so even though we could go home the 14th I told her we’d stay and then Sunday we can treat her to the noon showing of Catching Fire. She was over the moon.
She called DH on Thursday and asked again what time we were coming. DH reiterated and the rest of their conversation went like this:
MIL: So you guys are staying Friday night and Saturday night?
MIL: Ok, your grandparents are coming up on Sunday, so Megz gets to pick what is for dinner.
DH: I thought we were going to a movie?
MIL: Well, they are coming up for an appt. and want to spend time with you guys, so ask Megz what she wants for supper. We should be eating around 7 or so.
DH: *turns to me* What do you want for dinner on Sunday? Mom was thinking about having it at about 7.
Me: SEVEN?! Seven for dinner?! [DH], we have classes that weekend. Plus we need to get back home on Sunday so we can go to my parents to get Napoleon, and I can get some loads of laundry done. We aren’t doing supper. (*Just to clarify, again this is an hour and a half away. Plus when we get back home we have to pick up our dog which is 30 minutes round trip and I have to do clothes. PLUS we work the next day*)
DH: Mom, I don’t know if we will be able to do dinner unless it is earlier.
MIL: Ok, well, we can have it at 6 instead. Think on it.
Like 6 makes it any fucking better. Anyway, DH hadn’t gotten back to her yet on it. She was texting me yesterday, and it was a nice conversation until:
MIL: Figure out what you want for supper next Sunday?
Me: Next weekend we want to leave by 3, so we won’t be staying for supper.
MIL: We all will be disappointed. We were looking forward to spending at least ONE day with you both.
*Here is where shit got nasty. Not in the text, but I blew up on DH about his mom’s guilt tripping bullshit. First of all, this coming weekend is for US and our baby boy. We don’t have to spend the night with her. We easily have 4 other people who would open their homes plus there are hotels in the area, but I was being nice and giving her the weekend she’s been begging for. Second, we did NOT say we wouldn’t spend time with anyone. We simply want to leave at a decent time on Sunday to get done with OUR responsibilities back home. We would glady see the grandparents, but not if they are later than 3. Not only that but we saw them in September and will be seeing them CHRISTMAS DAY, so it isn’t like we won’t be seeing them soon.*
I told DH this guilt tripping had to end. I had to tell her she had to quit that. DH kind of semi-begged me not to, but after reading the text I prepared, he said he agreed with what it said and to send it to her.
So I texted back:
“[MIL], we told you we were coming Friday after our class gets out at 9:30p and spending until Sunday. That weekend is for us to do our classes. We chose to spend Sunday going to a movie with you because you wanted to see Catching Fire. Now with grandpa and grandma coming, it is ok that plans have changed, but I’m sorry we cannot continue to be guilt tripped into staying longer because everyone wants to see us all the time. We need to get back to pick up our dog and we both have to work the next day. We can eat lunch with everyone, but we will be leaving at 3 on Sunday to get back home.”
Bees, I heard not a peep back. DH even tried to call her, and initially the first two times her phone would ring and go to voicemail after two rings. But then she turned her phone off completely.
DH isn’t phased and he thinks maybe it got through to her this time. With all the verbal abuse he endured as a kid, it was a really hard transition for him to stand up to his parents. He is far from perfect, but he has gotten a LOT better with me helping him be a little more bold. Together, we’ve slowly been setting boundaries the last few years and making decisions together regarding his mom. Sometimes he lapses and wants to avoid the conflict, and I sometimes give in because I do feel bad for the guy: he’s pulled between his overbearning mother and his stubborn wife, BUT I feel like my reasoning is always logical, and he tends to agree. That doesn’t make it easier to turn his mom down obviously, but at least he can be somewhat guilt-free.
In this situation though he said it was good for me to put her in her place and to tell to stop guilting us. He said, “I realize we need to start being way more bold now because once our son is born in April, she will be even worse.”
Thank you for letting me get all of this off my chest, Bees. I understand it was extremely long, and I applaud anyone who made it through the whole thing. I am just want her to realize the guilt tripping is bullshit. I also wish she’d realize that her son is 28 year old married man, has a 22 week pregnant wife, a dog, a house, and chores of his own to be responsible for plus a job. I fear we will never get to that point, and honestly, this will only get worse when our son is born. *le sigh*