Finally Broke with MIL (Update-Part 3)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@megz06:  Have you tried family counseling?

Post # 5
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Man… I thought MY FIL was the master of verbal diarrhea. I’m sorry you have to deal with people who so clearly don’t respect you/DH/your personal space/opinions/boundaries!

Post # 6
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@megz06:  Wow, I feel so bad for both you and your DH. Actually,I feel bad for everyone involved..it sounds like such a messy/complicated situation. I can understand and emphathized with your DH in regards to sticking up to his mom. Even though it’s neccessary, it can be so hard to have *that kind* of conversation with your own mother.

She’s probably clinging onto you and your DH partly because your FIL is such a sexist nut job (sorry, I know that’s rude of me, but the delivery room bull**** really annoyed me!!) She probably has a lot of issues from the way he has treated her over the years (I’m not trying to justify her behaviour, but I think it’s important to try and understand why she is the way she is/acts the way she does, which is sounds like you have done)

Of course this isn’t worth divorcing your husband over and I can’t see why anyone would think that would be good advise to give you. He sounds like an amazing man who, along with you, is stuck in the middle of this messy situation. It sounds like he’s very concerned about your feelings and cares for you deeply. From what I’ve read, it sounds like you two have an amazing partnership.

While a conversation over the phone isn’t the best, it sounds like it’s necccessary at this point. But I also hope you two find some time during the holidays to have a producting conversation with her and I hope that all 3 of you can find some peace before the little guy arrives! (congrats by the way!)

Best of luck to you!

Post # 7
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@megz06:  I think even just you and your husband going would help. Clearly it is causing tension between you and it would be good to get in front of that before you are exhausted parents of a newborn.

Post # 8
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@megz06:  ….Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you can’t undo years and years of dysfunction in a single visit….

I get that you’re frustrated, it actually sounds like everyone in this situation is….there’s just no common ground.  And since everyone is so raw, the tiniest thing, sets everyone off…

I think you have valid arguments and points about what’s not working and why you’re not comfortable with your in laws, I’m just not sure that pitting him against them and being the mindset of “He’d be on my side…” is the best place to come from….blowing up happens to us all, we get frustrated, we feel let down, our spouses see the best and worst side of us….just remember, that’s this is all new, and he’s trying.

Meantime, rise above this crap….its not good for anyone to allow something like this rob them of their peace of mind or happiness, and certainly not let it bring tension into their marriage.

For the record, Mr. 99’s family makes your in laws look like the Brady Bunch…and there isn’t a single insult or indignity I haven’t endured for the sake of them being family….I bit my tongue, and served them dinner, I ignored the bullshit and bought them gifts…and finally, after four years of marriage, and our conversations about just how awful they were…HE decided he was finished, he let his feelings be known,  and he put is boundaries out there and let the cards fall….we haven’t seen or heard from a single one of them since…and Mr. 99 is at peace with it, because it was all on his terms….

It always works out, but not always in the way or as quickly, as we would prefer.

 

Post # 9
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@megz06:  good luck! I’m sorry you have to deal with a crazy crazy mil!!

I can’t believe people are saying you should leave your DH because of this… it sounds like he hears your concerns and acts on them… maybe not as much as you’d like but it sounds like he is actively progressing in standing up to his mother. It’s gotta be tough standing up to your family- especially parents that are coercive and use shame and guilt tactics. I would continue to make your needs known while building up your DH and being positively encouraging. You two sound like you’re figuring it out! Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@megz06:  It’s probably hard for you to be objective because you’re right in the situation. To an outsider looking in, it seems your husband just avoided that conversation. He knew you wanted it to happen, you discussed it beforehand, and I think the dog would have been okay for another ten minutes. It sounds to me like he just doesn’t want to. He agrees with you when mom isn’t around but then can’t do anything when she is. 

Everyone has their limits of what they can deal with. I certainly think divorce is a bit extreme but I personally wouldn’t have started dating someone who had boundaries issues with his mom. You obviously think his good points outweigh this issue and you’re the only one who has an opinion that counts. It just sounds like an awful lot of stress to me and I’d expect my husband to do something about it. 

Post # 11
Member
31 posts
Newbee

@megz06:  I’ve been enjoying following your updates, and wow, what a situation! I would suggest making sure that a face-to-face “intervention” with her still happens, calling her over the phone might not be powerful enough. All the best!

Post # 12
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Nona99:  That’s a good point (as usual). People only change when they want to. 

Post # 13
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@MrsPanda99:  …and sometimes, they don’t know how….being with me, he got the tools and the confidence to face his family and call them on their treatment of him AND tell them that enough was enough…but that was his fight, not mine…i was solely backup in that battle.

Post # 15
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@megz06:  …out of curiosity…why is the baby arrival also the deadline for your DH to “fix” the problems with his mother?

Post # 16
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@megz06:  I’ve been following your story/updates. I just want to say that I think (in one random Bee’s opinion here) that your DH is a wonderful, supportive guy. It’s really, really hard to stand up to parents that are like his- I know because my parents are the exact same way. I also think that you’re a really awesome person for being able to tolerate it this long (and being pregnant at that!!). As long as you and your DH are on the same page about this, you’ll be fine.

I still think you and DH need to have a discussion with her, but let it be on your terms, not hers.

I’m sorry things are so crazy for you; hopefully the situation will improve over time, but you can’t change people- only yourselves, and you two don’t seem to be the problem here, lol.

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