- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
I know a few people were looking forward to this update, and while I do have an update unfortunately nothing this weekend really went as planned, which is annoying but a lot of stuff was out of our control. You can read my original post and update in the respective posts http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/finally-broke-with-mil-long-rant#axzz2nfhMl8ec and http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/finally-broke-with-mil-update-part-2#axzz2nfhMl8ec
So MIL never did respond to DH’s text to give us breathing space, but she DID leave us alone, so many that text got through to her for the moment. We had planned to talk to her that night, but FIL kind of threw a wrench in that plan. FIL is a workaholic, and this was the one weekend he decided to actually stay home after his normal 10 hour job and not shoe horses (which is his side job), so while it was good that he wad willing to spend time at home with us, it also made talking to MIL more difficult. We both agreed we didn’t want to have the convo with FIL present…
Just a little background: FIL is a very aggressive person. He has never physically abused MIL or DH and his sister, but he is verbally abusive (cussing, getting in your face, pointing, etc). He values money and work over family. Growing up FIL didn’t come to any of DH’s events at school. He even goes so far as to call DH names for being a music teacher and not having a manly job. FIL believes that fear = respect. He thinks that just because his kids never talked back to him that means he earned their respect when really, according to DH, its because his dad was the last person on earth he wanted to talk to. I have, unfortunately, been on the receiving end of the verbal abuse, and I can’t say I ever want to again. It was in the middle of a restaurant, and I was so embarrassed. He then expected me to come help pick out a TV since I worked in retail at one point, and I refused, so he told DH if I chose to sit in the car and pout then we could go home and not come to the house, so we left. Now when FIL gets on a “why I’m right and everyone else is wrong” tangent, I just nod and go “uh huh” because it’s easier.
We got back from class at 10:00. MIL works retail and closed, so she got back at 10:30. FIL didn’t even say hi or anything before he started bitching her out about why her horses have to be inside all the time. Ignoring him, she gave DH a hug. Then she gave me one…and touched my belly and said, “You’re getting so big!!” My MIL has been told TWICE to NOT touch my belly. I use the term “touch” lightly because its more of an aggressive, excitable pat. And I get that “you’re so big” means that the baby is growing, but seriously? You can’t just say I look good or something? I said, “Seriously? Can you not do that?” She just laughed and said, “Well, there is a very excited great grandma coming on Sunday that will want to see your belly too!” I said, “Seeing is fine, but no one better be touching my belly anymore.”
I told DH about the incident and he marched right out and said, “Mom, what did we talk about with a pregnant woman’s belly? You don’t touch unless you ask. Megz gets really uncomfortable.” MIL says, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” DH said, “No, mom. I’m serious. Don’t do it again.”
We tried to go to bed since FIL was still being an asshole. I say tried because FIL and MIL stayed up and argued with each other about the horses some more. The next day we had our class, and MIL left us alone yet again. After we were done, FIL said to call him so we could go for supper. We went to supper with him, which was actually decent until he started talking about how “the delivery room is no place for a man.” DH says, “Well, I’m going to be in there. I want to see my son being born.” FIL says, “Yeah, like I said, it’s no place for a MAN. What are you supposed to do in there anyway? She can do it herself. That’s a woman’s job.” He could argue all day about crap like this, no matter how much you try to justify it.
MIL came home yet again at 10:30 that night, and DH and I had already headed off the bed. Sunday we woke up at 9:15. MIL didn’t get up until amost 11:00, and then went out to do her chores, which took her an hour. She got done and then FIL came in and started in on why she has a humidifer started in the house. They started screaming back and forth about this humidifer running (the house is dry, but FIL doesn’t think it is and refuses to let MIL tell him otherwise and just says she complains about everything). She started involving DH and I in the fight, since DH’s throat was swollen from how dry it was in there that night, so we both snuck into the guest room. I told DH how much they drive me nuts and how could he live with them screaming at each other like that. He rated that scream match as a 2 on a scale from 1-10, and said that was more of a discussion. Holy buckets.
DH’s grandparents didn’t leave until noon (meaning they weren’t going to make it in time since it takes 3 hours) so we ate without them and then ended up leaving at 2:30. MIL didn’t put up a fuss about us leaving before his grandparents got there. However, before we left, we had a great opportunity to talk to her, at least 10 minutes or so, and DH blew it. He was so concerned with getting home to get Napoleon and nursing his sore, swollen throat.
I managed to say how let down I was that the conversation didn’t happen. DH said, “I know, and I’m sorry. You have to admit that she was better than she usually is, wasn’t she?” That’s when I blew up and said that in the moment she is ALWAYS better because we were there. it’s when we aren’t there that is the problem with neediness and guilting. Just because she is good for one day we can’t let this go. It’s after she hasn’t seen us for a few weeks that this happens. I blew up with my same old speech. And, although I’m not proud, I ended up giving him the silent treatement for about an hour because I felt I exhausted everything I had to say. DH apologized and recognized my concerns once again and said he messed up. He said he was so caught up in the moment and so much had gone on that he didn’t think about it. He said that while he wants to have a face to face conversation with her, he will do it over the phone as soon as he calls her as well.
I have a few thoughts: One, a small part of me is glad it didn’t happen because I don’t know that creating this drama or possible bad blood before Christmas is really a good idea. I know if a family still loves each other they should be able to accept honesty, but in the event this convo had went south with me being crapped on, DH would have been really sad during the holidays. Two, I had gotten some inbox messages saying that DH needs to step it up, which I agree with, but my DH is a great guy. This situation is not something that I feel I need to consider counseling or divorce as some Bees suggested. I would just simply not talk or visit with my in laws before that would happen, and I think if we got to that point DH would most definitely take my side as he avoids his mom so he doesn’t have to talk to her, whether its about good or bad things. He hates her neediness as much as I do, but he has a harder time calling her out on it because its his mom and because their family dynamic is all kinds of effed up. DH is a hard worker, takes care of me, his dog, and his home, is a happy father to be, and is probably the greatest person I know, and I see a part of him that no one else does. This problem, while annoying, is manageable, no matter what the outcome and not a cause for thinking about leaving DH. I’d have to be an idiot if I let that happen.
I don’t know when I’ll have another update on the matter (more than likely after Christmas), but I still hope to have this talk and the matter starting to resolve in the new year because once we reach that point we are going to be SO busy, and I won’t deal with this situation again. Sorry I couldn’t give everyone a better update. In some ways I wish it had gone differently. Thanks for the support/constructive critisism. I hope to update in a few weeks.