Finally Broke with MIL (Update-Part 4)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
844 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Your MIL sounds like an absolute nightmare! I don’t think I’d have the same amount of patience that you’ve shown!

It’s good to know that FI is on your side through this though. Has he spoken to your MIL since this? Hopefully being told off is enough to snap her back to reality and realise she can’t control you like that.

Anyway, hugs.

Post # 4
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@megz06:  Hugs to you!!! I cannot even imagine the undue stress they are causing you during what should be an exciting time in life. I’m so proud of you & DH for having the conversation with the IL & sticking together as a team! 

Post # 5
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@megz06:  I’m really sorry you guys are still dealing with this. I will say that your DH does sound like he did the best he could this time. Being caught between your parents and your spouse is never an easy thing to deal with, especially for people who aren’t that assertive.

Keep up with the therapy sessions. It will help both of you continue to find ways to set boundaries with his family and it will give you a healthy and safe environment to discuss these things.

I also recommend not contacting MIL and FIL until they contact you. And when I say that, I mean contacting them about pretty much everything. When they do contact you, your DH needs to continue to be assertive and firm on the boundaries. If they continue to push back against them or they become verbally abusive, then limit the amount of contact they have with your son for a period of time.

Things are rough now because you are attempting to change the status quo and they like the way things have always been done. It will continue to be rocky for a good amount of time. Stand firm and do not allow them to treat either of you in such a manner – I can guarantee that if they treat the two of you this way they will eventually treat your son that way too.

Post # 7
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

So I just read through every update you have on this situation, and all I can say is HOLY CRAP. She needs to be told. I commend you on your patience through what has to be the most stressful time in your life. Expecting a baby is supposed to be the most exciting time of your life. What I’m reading is absolutely ridiculous. She needs to let go. Now.

OP I really hope everything works out soon 🙁

Post # 8
Member
3128 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

It is clear what resolution you want (less time with the in-laws and no guilt tripping) and what MIL wants (more time, and what seems like a lot of control) but what does your SO? Not just in terms of everyone getting along but how does he truly feel about the amount of time and effort you put into seeing your in-laws? He seems to be swayed by whoever he is talking to, especially after he suggested bringing the dog with even after the horrible scene with your MIL. 

Post # 9
Member
2581 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@megz06:  Oh my goodness, thanks for updating us. I’m really impressed with the way you handled yourself, and your DH too – it must be really hard for him to see the most important people in his life so unhappy with each other! Your MIL is being really unreasonable, but based on what you say about her relationship with your FIL is like, it’s not surprising she doesn’t know how to handle hearing things she doesn’t want to hear like a rational adult.

 

I hope your DH and you managed to come up with a clear plan of action that you’re both comfortable with! *hugs*

Post # 10
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@megz06:  I am sorry you are going through something so crazy when you’re pregnant! I would say just focus on yourself, the baby and your DH. Right now, the baby in your belly is priority; so you need to do whatever you need to be healthy & be in a good place, waiting for the LO’s arrival. 

Have you gone to the therapist since? What did he/she say now that you’re at another standstill? I wonder if at this point you guys all need a 3rd party to step in to mediate, because obviously no one is going to cave (and you definitely shouldn’t!) 

Post # 11
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

OMG, do we have the same MIL?  Seriously, my MIL is a similar-type nightmare and just *thinking* about her right now is making my stomach hurt and my heart race.

I don’t know if anyone in your life has said this to you, and I’m sorry it’s coming from a random stranger on the internet, but I want to say I am PROUD OF YOU for standing up for yourself and your family and what you need.  

Hope your convo with your husband went well.  Many hugs to you.

Post # 13
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Sorry you have anxiety but you all need to relax and you especially need to cool off for the wellbeing of your child, nothing wrong with someone touching your belly esp the monther of your husband…this situation sucks but its not all them if you need distance from them your SO will support you most likely. Save therapy for when your child is born and your anxiety is lessened getting on this way will just make things worse. Good luck. 

Post # 14
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@megz06 has anything else crazy happened with your MIL since this?

 

Post # 15
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour

Okay, I am coming from a place as a woman who grew up in a house of yelling. Bad, bad, yelling. My family life is wonderful now, but my parents both grew up in loud violent households, so that was the only way they knew to parent. 

Anyways, I think this is also very important: He seems to be swayed by whoever he is talking to

When you come from a house like that, it’s a defense. You will say or do whatever is needed to stop the noise. You learn to read people, read between the lines, and know what buttons to push to just make it stop. 

For myself, to this day, I can’t stand yelling. Any loud, sudden noise, makes me panic. I think coming from a household like your husband did – you either become a yeller, or a shusher. He seems like a shusher. 

I would do whatever you can not to get loud and yell when you are arguing – because likely he is going to do the same thing, agee to whatever he has to in order to make the noise stop. Step away for a few minutes, calm down, and then go back and talk calmy about your emotions. He will be more likely to really listen than to try and just figure out the quickest way to stop the yelling. 

It sounds like he knows his family boundery lines are a problem, he just can’t se a straight path to untangle it all. I think seeing a therapist is a great idea – which I know you have already done. 

If I were in your shoes, I would stop visiting. If your DH chooses to go over alone, that’s on him. But you should not have to subject yourself to that. And I would make it known now that they are welcome to come to you and see the baby, but you will not be bringing the baby into that negative environment. You and your family deserve better.

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