- 3 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
This is pregnancy, emotional, and relationships all rolled into one actually. Some of you may have been following my posts, some not, and in order to understand my situation, since I’m not going to recap, it would be beneficial to go back and read the updates, but I know some Bees have been asking for an update since Christmas, and I wanted to wait until I had a true update…it’s not the update I had hoped for completely, but its an update none the less. http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/finally-broke-with-mil-update-part-3#axzz2qHtvJavH and http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-need-help-destressing#axzz2qHtvJavH
Let’s start with Christmas: Long story short, we drove 3 hours on icy roads to go. We opened gifts, talked a bit, everything was fine. Every Christmas when SIL calls, MIL passes the phone to everyone (all 10 of us) and we each take turns talking to her. She gets asked the same 3 questions: how are you, what are you doing for Christmas, and how’s school. GMIL (grandma in law) was talking to her, and we had already stated that we needed to go a half an hour prior and were getting our coats. It was already 6 at night, we had to go pick up the dog, and I had to work the next day. Plus driving those roads at night was NOT going to be fun. GMIL starts handing the phone to me and said, “Here. Talk to [SIL].” I said, “Tell her I will text her a bit later when we get home. We really need to get going.” GMIL proceeds to SHOVE the phone in my FACE and said, “Talk to [name].” I said, “No. I will talk to her later.” GMIL looks visibly pissed off but let it go. (trust me, saying hi doesn’t take 2 seconds–talking to her takes 15-20 minutes for each person).
As we were on our way out, I made it clear to MIL that I would NOT put up with my belly being touched (this has been an ongoing issue that you can read in the other posts). I said, “I cannot hug you if you touch my belly.” She said, “Yeah, whatever.” I said, “No, not whatever. I am serious. If you touch it I won’t be coming to visit.” She was mad but still gave me a hug. GMIL? She has always, even since the first day I met her, given me a hug and kiss, and I didn’t get a Merry Christmas or even so much as a sideways glance. Fine.
1/6/2014: Since December 26, MIL hadn’t called or texted. I talked to my doctor on the 31st about my anxiety. I was at the point where I didn’t want to see my own friends and family, was sad every day, and felt sick (I was in the clinic for chest tightening too). Concerned, she recommended I talk to a therapist. I talked to the therapist, and she agreed with the doctor that we had to talk to MIL about boundaries and try to get her to the point where she understands how taxing this is on me. She said that it would be a tough conversation, MIL may get mad, but those were HER feelings, and I cannot change them. I can only control my reaction to them. She also said to enjoy the time my MIL was giving me, whether it be because she’s pouting or because of space, and take the time to be with DH so as not to ruin our quality time.
DH and I made a list, per the therapist, of what we wanted to accomplish with the situation. Our goal was outline how we are feeling about the amount of time asked of us and how we are tired of the guilt tripping. The therapist also said if I feel comfortable enough, mentioning my anxiety might be a good way to make her aware of why these feelings happen and how I am having a hard time with them right now.
**DH and I agreed to let MIL talk to us first since I had been feeling good. I got a book on meditation/Mindful Birthing, had been taking time out for myself, and was even getting back to the point where I wanted to see friends and my own family.
Last week: DH’s cousin got married, and he wanted to know how the wedding went since no one was talking about it at all. He proceeds to text his mom, which rubbed me slightly the wrong way given we agreed not to text her first, but he said it was just regarding the wedding until she starts talking about a foot stool she was going to get for the nursery. DH told her I had the nursery covered, and I wanted to do it myself. I told him I was upset that she never asks me what I need or want for the nursery or gives any consideration for how I feel.
In talking to DH, he understood where I was coming from, but tried to remind me his mom only wanted to help. Ok, I get that, and I understand I don’t have to use the foot stool. I told DH she needs to know where we stand with this child, how we are feeling, and we need to set boundaries and have this conversation. He agreed, wanted to get this taken care of before baby arrives, so he said on Sunday we would talk to her.
The Talk: I want to add that most everyone knows my DH is very passive, and while a lot of Bees will probably still find a way to pick him apart, he did better yesterday than I thought. We were in the living room, and DH started talking to his mom about the baby and visiting. How the conversation ended up where it did, I don’t recall, but it went like this:
DH: Mom, you understand that when the baby is born we aren’t going to be running around everywhere to all these places, right?
MIL: What do you mean?
DH: I mean…we aren’t going to be bringing baby everywhere when everyone else wants us to. We are going to take our time with it, and we may not be able to visit as often.
MIL *very sarcastically*: Yeah, because you see your family SO much as it is.
Me: When I was born, my mom told me that if my grandparents wanted to see me on a certain day, they’d have to come up to visit. Otherwise I can only recall seeing my grandparents at Christmas.
MIL: WELL I can guarentee you if grandma only saw this baby once a year she’d flip out!
DH: Well, mom, we can’t cater to everyone all the time–
MIL *cuts him off*: Yes, you can. This baby has OTHER people in his life besides you guys, and that means that, yes, you will have to cater to everyone else sometimes.
Bees, this did NOT sit well with me at all.
DH didn’t know how to proceed, so he tabled the conversation for a bit (which is something the therapist gave the ok to do if it got too much). I ended up taking a small walk outside to gather my feelings because I was ready to blow the eff up. I came back in after 10 minutes. FIL was ready to come in, and this wasn’t a conversation we wanted to have with him in the room because of how verbally abusive he can get, so I had to say what I had to say before he got in there.
I let go. I want to note I was visibly upset. I was shaking, my voice was quivering, BUT my tone was even, voice not raised.
I said, “Ok. I have to say this because I am very bothered right now, and it has to be said before my anxiety takes over even more than it already has. [MIL], this is your grandchild, NOT your child. You are not the mother, I AM. This is OUR baby, and we decided what’s best for him. If we do not want to cater to everyone, we won’t be doing so. I want him to be a part of everyone’s life and I want people to see him, but I am tired of everyone demanding we be at X place at X time, and when we say we can’t be there, everyone guilt trips. I won’t be guilt tripped into not wanting to bring our son somewhere because it is up to me, as his mother, to decide what is best for him. Not his grandmother.”
My MIL started SCREAMING at me about how she and grandma hardly see us as it is, how we are withholding this grandchild from her, how DH never talks to her anymore (which isn’t my problem. She should have been calling him out on it). Her day is the same, and she wants us to know how we are doing, at which point I asked her why she never asks me how I am then. She had no answer. I also asked, “If you want all this time with us, why did you ignore us for over 11 days??” She screams, “I wasn’t IGNORING!!! I was simply giving you guys that “BREATHING SPACE” that I was told you guys needed SOOO bad.” She also said, “You know, when I had the kids I hauled them EVERYWHERE! I catered to everyone. We were constantly going!” I said, ‘Well, that is FINE if you wanted to do that, but WE don’t, and we don’t have to just because you did.”
DH tried to intervene and tell mom that she isn’t understand how I feel because of my anxiety, and I quickly cut him off, which might be one of the only oopsies I made. I said, “Let’s not blame this on my anxiety because she doesn’t care apparently. This has been a long time coming.” She says, “Yeah, it really has. You have been in this mood since after the wedding.” I said, “Do you KNOW what you wanted after the wedding? That’s all you wanted was us instead of allowing us to be newlyweds!” She said, “We TRY to involve you. We TRY to get you to talk to us, to play games, to be part of the family, but YOU SIT THERE on that stupid little phone, texting away to everyone.” I said, “I started that since my pregnancy because YOU blantantly disrespected me by always touching my belly. It’s also kind of hard to talk to someone that is more interested in fighting with her husband about a humidifer in front of her son and daughter in law! And it’s kind of hard to talk to someone when all they do is yell at you.”
At that point my MIL said: “Whatever. Get out.”
MIL: Just GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!
At that moment my FIl had walked in and was utterly shocked and confused at why MIL was yelling and why I was barreling past him and slamming every door on the way out. I sat in the car. My only regret, at that point, was leaving DH in there by himself to talk to both of his parents, but I was told to get the hell out, so what choice did I have?
DH came out 10 minutes later, and we left. 15 minutes into the drive DH had me pull over to relax before we kept going. He said, “What you said had to be said. The conversation didn’t get much further after you left. My parents feel that we don’t spend enough time with them, and you feel we spend too much time. Plus the guilting.” We talked about what each side wanted.
Somehow he then made it about the dog because we usually have to go pick him up, and MIL doesn’t understand why we don’t bring him there. He said, “My parents said that we can leave Napoleon in the heated barn when we come so we don’t have to rush back, and maybe that will help?” I said, “DH, they live on a farm with horses, dead shit in the yard, and mud. I am not going to allow him to get dirty like that. And also, he’s a seizure dog. You expect me to leave my $800 St. Bernard in a wire kennel in the heated barn for DAYS while we spend time with your family? Absolutely not.”
We stayed quiet most of the drive. The last half an hour of the drive I was just pretty much letting go of all my feelings. DH sat back and listened. I told him that I am TIRED. I am SCARED to be a mom, no matter how ready I am. I am glad that, for her, she just knew what the fucking do right away, but I DON’T. I am responsible for this little life, feeding it, changing it, and then on top of being a new mom, a job I know NOTHING about, I am also expect to make sure he gets the time everyone else wants, on their time, when they want it, plus not only do I have to give him time with MIL and FIL, but also with both sets of great grandparents. I am SCARED that no one will allow me to be a mom first because of these expectations.
When we got home, DH just held me. He wasn’t/isn’t mad at me, but he is still very stressed and upset. He slept like crap last night as did I so we are both dragging ass today.
I’m not looking for any advice right now since I don’t know what anyone could give. Just wanted to update those who asked. It’s still a very fresh situation, and I am not sure when or how it will be mended. I know taking some days to mull this over is best, and I plan to speak to my therapist again.
Thanks for listening, Bees.