Post # 1
FI and I have been engaged since March 25, 2010 and immediately starting wedding planning. My parents have put up the biggest fight ever, tooth and nail, about everything FI and I have wanted thus far- All of this documented in my momzilla posts. Since they are paying for the wedding and we cannot fund the wedding ourselves, we have tried our best to swallow our pride, bite our tongues, and work with them. My mom has been insane about the wedding planning and told me the venue of my dreams was ugly, dated, and overpriced (side bar: it was a BIT pricey… but within the given budget!!).
Finally, I asked my mother for the umpteenth time what SHE wants for OUR wedding day. Her answer:
“My dream was to take you out, looking at venues, picking one out and showing *FI* what we have found. I do not understand why he has such an opinion on the whole thing. It was not like that when I got married. Dad, said whatever made me happy, he really did not care. I guess things change.
I also don’t understand why you have to spend all the money on a wedding. Spend half and take the other half plus your wedding money and go buy a house! Spending all this money on one day to impress people is not what we are like. Maybe people do things different now, but Dad and I were brought up different and are from a different era.”
She’s pissed that my FI has an opinion and wants to be involved in the planning. SERIOUSLY?
Post # 3
My Mom was sort of like this at first. She talked down about having a big wedding and how ridiculous it all was, but when I actually called her bluff and said we’d do city hall her attitude totally changed. And the budget doubled all the sudden. She was then determined to throw such a huge lavish party and I didn’t hear another word from her putting down a big wedding.
Post # 4
What she’s saying is that she cares about you, wants to share that experience with you – typically weddings are a girl’s thing; and that she wants you to start your marriage on solid grounds and have a home to share with your husband.
I know you had a really hard time with her recently, but it’s not all that bad!
Post # 5
Being in the “industry” I’ve also learned that a lot of parents are SHOCKED at wedding costs these day’s. She may have planned on giving you all the money and you only needing half, but may not see that weddings aren’t as “cheap” as they used to be.
The good news, is that now you have the power of knowledge. Talk things over with the FI, find out his inputs before you and your mom go out, then play the “look what we found” card…
Funny thing is, my dad DID care and even helped my mom pick her dress! So, I guess times were different even back then ;-P
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but at least now you know, and you can work on trying to move forward and communicating with your mom of her vs your expectations.
Post # 6
Weddings are MUCH different now BUT I do find it strange that she is mad your FH has an opinion. She should be glad that he wants to be involved!
My mom and I had a moment at the beginning of our planning because my grandmother planned all her daughters weddings and thats just how it was done back then. I understand that they are paying and want an input but it is not THEIR wedding.
Post # 7
Sorry but I had to somewhat laugh when I read your post because my FI actually said, “whatever venue makes you happy is fine with me” and so my mom and I went to visit about 10 places and then we chose our favorite and went with it. I guess we are old fashioned!! Luckily my parents were never worried about the cost once they gave me the limit they could spend. I respected that dollar limit and stuck to it but they never tried to talk me into spending a dime less and using the rest of money on a house, etc. I am thankful for that! Good luck!!
Post # 8
When we first started planning I know my Mom was very surprised at how opinionated my FI was and things got tense between them for a little while. I talked with my FI about expressing his opinion in a nicer way and assured him that I would back his ideas/opinions. She’ll get used to your FI caring about the wedding, just present a united front.
Post # 9
Eh my mom was a little like that too. Honestly I think our moms kind of got screwed on the whole wedding planning business. For my mom’s wedding (and this was super common in the 70s I think), her mom planned the WHOLE thing and she (my mother) got to have some input here and there… basically pick out her dress and bm dresses and her flowers. That’s it.
These days the couple plans and the parents get some input (maybe). So she didn’t really get to plan her own because her mom did it, and she doesn’t really get to plan mine because I’m doing it! I try to be sensitive to her feelings and include her as much as possible.
Post # 10
I also took it that she cares about you. Please feel lucky that you still have your mom with you to watch you get married.
Post # 11
Ugh…my mom was so like your mom! My husband wanted an opinion in a few things…he was a pretty involved groom! My mom was helping us pay for the reception, but we were paying for everything else. When my husband chimed in about something, she would always say that it was her little girls’ wedding, and she wanted to do something differently.
Apparently, when she got married, my grandfather planned the whole thing, straight down to her flowers, so she never really got a say in anything. She pretty much did that to me too. I didn’t have much of a say in anything having to do with the reception food or anything. She was really controlling over the wedding, and it was pretty disappointing that I wasn’t able to have what I wanted. Hang in there…it’s just the way things were when she got married…
Post # 12
Wow, I don’t know what’s worse, your situation, or my mom’s “couldn’t care less / can we talk about something else now?” attitude. Your mom should be respecting your FI’s opinion more for sure. Flip it on her like moderndaisy said; tell her you’ve changed your mind, and you want to go elope. Maybe that will make her rethink her approach to the planning…
Post # 13
Most people expect the bride to do everything and for the groom to just go with the flow. MANY men have that attitude of “whatever she wants and makes her happy”
and my parents have the same opinion on spending money. just thank them for their advice, tell them you’re going to spend it and enjoy ti anyways, and leave it at that. my parents think a marriage is important (a wedding, not so much) and would rather have the house than the party. Essentially they had a cheap-o wedding, so they don’t feel like they missed out necessarily and see the “extra” expenses as 100% unnecessary. It’s just how they are and i can’t fault them for that. She may think you’re wasteful, but it’s not really her business.
Post # 14
@bee-gotten- I definitely do understand how fortunate I am to have my mom care so much about the wedding and to be here for me.
Also- I am extremely grateful and appreciate that my parents are even giving me money at all. I just wish my mother wasn’t so passive-aggressive about the situation. She makes snide remarks all the time- a la “I don’t have an opinion anymore because I’m not allowed” when all along I have asked over and over for her opinion on things.
It’s just frustrating. They had the checkbook out with their tongues wagging at a venue back home in the Poconos (I live in Philly) that was completely over budget, that FI hadn’t seen yet, and I wasn’t 100% sold on. They keep telling me that they’re simple people, but honestly my parents are not simple. My mom threw a hissy fit because she could not drive her BMW to a family party because the gift wouldn’t fit in the trunk.
@moderndaisy- I actually TRIED to tell them that I didn’t want their money at all if they were going to act like lunatics and that I would get married at the JOP. They INSIST that they pay for the wedding and that they have a say.
Post # 15
It sounds like your mom has been dreaming of her little girl’s wedding for a long time and maybe is feeling threatened that your mother-daughter relationship is going to change. Things were done differently when she got married and most fiances didn’t get involved in the planning much. If I were you, I would pick your battles. Choose what is most important to you (venue) and let her do some of the things you might not care much about (flowers, favors?). Be grateful that your parents are willing to pay for your wedding! I feel so bad for many of the brides on Wedding Bee that get no financial help from either side of the family. Your mother may not understand how expensive weddings have gotten to be either. She may have thought that the money she is giving you was pretty substantial and should be enough for a home down payment. Some parents save money for years for their children’s weddings only to find that it is still not enough. Give her some time to get used to all the adjustments she is having to make to her thinking. Hopefully she will get excited about some of your ideas and your fiance’s if you accept some of hers!
Post # 16
My FI is definitely the “whatever makes you happy”, but he did come to the venue meetings with me. Granted we only have about four outdoor venues to choose from, so it wasn’t all that time consuming. The venue I wanted is definitely more expensive then I would have liked, but they have added so much in the past year that it really will be perfect!
My mom came with me to all the vendor meetings, contract signings, dress pickings, etc. because that is just what moms do! It sounds like she is excited about helping you plan, so why are you so against having her involved? It might be hurting her feelings, so she is lashing out.
Also, about only spending half the money and using the rest for a house…well that is just smart. Your wedding only lasts one day and only you guys will remember it after a year (sorry, the harsh reality is unless something goes terribly wrong or is extremely funny guests won’t remember. It makes me sad as I plan my wedding, but it is what it is). A house will last much longer and be more valuable in the future with the equity you can put into it. If we didn’t already own our house I would have done exactly what your mom suggested. Our future is more important to me than our one day.