Post # 1
My fiancee is currently renting his house and paying 1700 a month, and pays for his car and utilities and other expenses. I have my own house and I pay mortgage and utilities and car payments etc. I am in school and getting my bachelors in biology. One year left for my graduation. I will then go to grad school to become occupational therapist. He makes about 5800 a month and I offered to sell my house and put down payment for a new house so he dont have to put any dwon payment. Also, I offered to pay all my own expenses own my own until I finish my school which is maximum 3 years. I have a savings. I will put down 60 grand for a new house. However, he made the calculations, according to him, if we get married and stay together, he will pay 500 dollars a month extra for expenses and he doesnt like that, because he says that means he cant save money. He has a big savings too and dont have to put money for new home and he already pays 1700 for the rent home and buying home is the same monthly price. I don’t know what to do. Should I stay with him? He keep talking about finances and I am not sure what to do. Should I just stay engaged three years and finish my school first since he doesnt want to pay? Should I just leave?Just remember, he already pays that amount without me living with him. I appreciate your advises.
Post # 2
starlove2014: Ummm… can you repeat the question?
Post # 3
Why doesn’t he just moved into the house you already own? Also, I recommend checking his math – it seems unlikely that by buying a house together and combining expenses like food and bills, he would be spending more money per month than he is just renting. Unless you’re planning on buying a huge house together. But $1700 a month in rent is not insubstantial – surely you can find a house with the monthly mortgage around that? Also: remind him that when you have a mortgage it is like putting $1000-$2000 a month in savings, as it goes toward equity on the house that you will get back if you sell it. But he is currently throwing away $1700 a month on rent.
Last, I would feel nervous about marrying any man who seemed reluctant to do so if it meant his finances might change. I mean, is he going to divorce you in the future if you lose your job? I think you guys should talk more.
Post # 4
He seems more worried about money than being with you, I wouldn’t marry someone like that but thats just me.
Post # 5
starlove2014: Why can’t you just move in with him or vice versa? If you have 60K to put down on a house, you’re clearly saving money. Instead of using that money to buy a new house, just sell one of the houses and move in together. Don’t combine finances yet until you’re ready, but I think the best thing is one of you keeps the house you already own and sell the other. Instead of buying a brand new one. Use the savings you’ve saved up for a newer house down teh road.
Post # 6
We tried to refinance the one I have since we wanted to get married, but it wa difficult. We had to wait a year before refinance and he said lets just buy a house. The calculations show only 500 more a month he would pay if we owned a house and I was going to put 60 grand by selling my current house. I also have extra savings, double then his savings and I was ready to live off of that until I graduate. I have a year left to get my bachelors. I think he mostly worries about money. He doesnt hug me or tell me he loves me after this discussion. I also take him out and pay for his dinner becuase he complained about it. Also, I bought his wedding band myself, but he doesnt buy me the one I like becuase it is $1,000 more then he wants to pay. He has money, but he just doesnt want to spend it. I cook for him every single day and dont even ask for grocery money. I pay for groceries by myself. He just come and eat, I wash his clothes, massage his feet, and serve his coffee. I don’t know what to do.
Post # 7
It sounds like your FI is tight with money and relative to him you are more of a spender. Maybe as the years go on he will feel more established and more comfortable spending, but most likely he will always be tight with money. You shouldn’t put down 100% of the down payment on a house and give him 50% ownership. As for all the rest, we really don’t know you or your FI so it’s hard to give advice, but I would think about whether you and he are ready to be engaged.
Post # 8
He sounds cheap and lazy to be perfectly honest..
I couldn’t tolerate someone who defaulted to me to pay for everything just because. I’d be very weary about selling your house and contributing 60k to a household with someone who doesn’t know what a reciprocity is in a relationship. You do everything, what exactly is he adding to your life?
Post # 9
It’s fiancé, not fiancée.
Post # 10
KC-2722: Exactly! perfect answer sounds like he is being super cheap because he knows she will make up the diffeerence.
OP he is kind of usuing you, relationships should be 50/50 unless someone wants to shoulder the majority of the responsibility, sounds like you don’t want to and are resentful. You should be! I think most people would be.
Sounds like my Ex Fiance I was a student making very little money he was in a professional job making good money. We lived in a standard that he enjoyed and expected me to pay half even though I didn’t have the income to support living like that. He was super cheap to begin with so I shouldn’t have been surprised.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
Based solely on what you said, it doesnt sound like you’re in love with each other. You should finish your schooling and not worry about getting married. If leaving because he wants to talk about money is an option, then you’re not serious about the relationship.
Post # 12
starlove2014: if you have to spend money on him for pretty basic stuff (like date night) and sell your house and put down 100% of the down payment AND he’s still dragging his feet, get a prenup.
I hope to hell that you won’t need it, but if he’s not protecting you and providing for you as you are protecting and providing for him NOW, what will it look like when things get really hard?
Would you be 100% ok providing and providing when his capacity to give (and not just financially) is cool with having separate places because he doesn’t want to spend more building equity with you and would rather build equity for his landlord?
Post # 13
“I pay for groceries by myself. He just come and eat, I wash his clothes, massage his feet, and serve his coffee. I don’t know what to do.”
…. Ummm…. I thought I had some advice, but then came to this. Sorry, I got nothing.
Post # 14
starlove2014: Honestly, it’s not really your concern what he does with his money, its his money and he earnes it so can spend it as he pleases. I realise your in a relationship, but trying to control how people spent their money is never a good thing. I started getting lost towards the end of your post, are you expecting payment for all these “services” you provide like massaging his feet and serving his coffee? if you don’t like doing it, DON’T DO IT. It’s as simple as that. But suggesting someone owes you money because you cook, and clean, and massage his feet, and serve his coffee is insane, you aren’t his employee. Maybe I misunderstood your post, I hope so.
Is it mandatory to have a hug and an “i love you” after every discussion? I didn’t know this…I’ll go tell my Fiance.
Post # 15
I am not expecting any money. I am trying to say that I am trying to make him feel good and take the stress away from him. I don’t need his money. I have more money than he does. If I wanted someone with a lot of money, I would have found some one else, not him. I do love him, but he basically lives with me and keeps his place. I take him out to dinner, I do the grocery and fix his lunch, and I pay for all of these for him. I am selling my house to put the proceeds towards a new home, which would have both our names on it. He is keeping his saving and not touching it to put a down payment. I paid for his weddin band, he still hasn’t got mine becuase he is looking something aroun 3 grand and couldnt find it yet. He makes decent money and have savings. I can’t tell him what to do with his money. He asked me to marry him, and I accepted. We talked about buying a new house so he doesnt have to pay 1700 amonth and not get anything in return. like saving on taxes, or building equity. I do have a house, and I do have money to last me 7 years. Since I am putting 60 grand towards a new home, I thought its fair for him to pay the mortgage for 3 years. IS that too much to ask? Am I asking too much? Should I ask him to put half down payment, so I can only put half, that would leave me with additional 30 grand. I could then pay the mortgage from that money every month until I graduate? I am asking help from strangers who might have experience, or who are wiser then me. I am not here to get humiliated for my questions. Thank you.