Post # 1
Bees…I am hoping to vent and get some opinions.
3 weeks ago we got engaged. We had been talking about what we would like etc, for a while even before we got engaged. I am a simple no fuss kind of girl and would be happy to elope or have a small do and he was happy with that too.
Now because we want a September date I needed to start investigating…When I got back to my FI with various quotes, he was annoyed and distant. All up our wedding budget would be well below the norm even if we choose to do it in Maui, Hawaii (there is a package I would like for $2,700 all inclusive). Then when I came back with a quote for the engagement shoot, he had the same reaction (even though I searched and searched to find a company that would do it for $150). Hi reaction has hurt me a lot, he said “why do we need to do that?” and “why can’t we just get someone with a camera”. I felt like I put effort into finding things and I am not a princess by any means…I am 29 and we are both financially secure and we were splitting everything 50/50. I guess I always thought that having a big day is important and we should have the freedom to have a big day or small day within reason and following a budget of course where he sees spending even a little money on the day is too much. I see others having big weddings for the 50K + mark..And I feel like I want my FI to appreciate I already cut the cost of the wedding as it is and now he is just being difficult and made something that should have been very special into a bit of heart ache for me now.
Am I the only one having this issue? Is this normal?
Post # 3
Have you sat him down and actually asked him why he’s reacting this way?
From what I’ve seen, lots of men don’t understand what exactly goes into a traditional wedding. My FI cares about the actual day but not so much the planning…yet.
Maybe he’s the same way?
Post # 4
@sealevels: Thank you! You are right we will have to have a talk. I guess men aren’t exposed to the details as much as we sometimes are. It’s just hard not to be hurt by his reaction. Many thanks for your help.
Post # 5
My FI’s eyes about popped out of their sockets every time we got a quote. They really just don’t have much fore-knowledge of how crazy expensive things are. Maybe when you talk get him to talk more openly about what his expectations are?
Post # 6
As a side note, most wedding photographers offer the e-pics as a part of the package.
Do you have a budget? Have you shown him a list of all the elements that go into a wedding? Have you prioritized what is important to you (I made a list and put them in rank order, that way when we had to make a cut I was in love/crazy at the moment, I could look back and remember it was 15th on my list, I can cut it or choose a cheaper version)? Have you figured out the typical costs in your area. For example- photographers are about $3000 in our area. I found one that was less, but it too time and effort. On average Food is $75pp (with an additional 25% in tax and grat). If I wanted to spend less, I will have to work harder to find it.
Have you asked him what his ideal wedding looks like?
You can work through this, but it takes communication. If you can talk and compromise about a wedding, you should look into counselling or calling things off.
Post # 7
My FI was like this about the photographer. I’m a little self concious as I’m a bit chubby and I hate having my picture taken, so I wanted to get a decent photog. We’re paying for it all ourselves, and I know we couldn’t afford most of the ones out there, or even a full day. So I spent weeks trying to find someone who would do a half day and the cheapest i could find was $1000. FI didn’t want to spend more than $500. But for that, it’s like why pay at all? Might as well just go on guest photos. Buto once I got him looking at ppl’s sites and he realized that they go from 3k to 10k, he was a bit more understanding. I also explained to him how important it was to have him on board and a part of the planning.
It sounds like you guys need to have a talk about how much you’re willing to spend total and go from there. Build a budget you’re both comfy with.
Post # 8
I think that a LOT of men figure the hard part is getting the ring on our finger and the answer of “Yes” out of our mouth. The moment we agree, the rest of the planning is up to us and they can wash their hands of it and watch the game. I HAD a FI like this but I changed him in two steps.
1.) I sat him down and told him point blank that although I didn’t NEED his imput, I WANTED it and that he would be helping me bucketloads by providing it. Guys are naturally hardwired to problem solve, so if you let him know he’s doing that by providing feedback, he’ll be more happy to provide it. I’m also sure to always, ALWAYS, stroke his ego when he participates. “Oh honey, I never thought of having superhero cufflinks for the guys. That’s an AMAZING idea”. Yes, ok…not amazing but it’s his wedding too and if he’s willing to organize that, it’s one less thing I have to worry about and really, who notices cufflinks?? Plus, it’s got him thinking AND talking about the wedding.
2.) Us brides can go in to wedding trances where we sleep, eat, breath “I Dos'”. He however wants to kickback and watch tv or go out to dinner with you and not hear about how gorgeous Maggie Sottero gowns are or whether he thinks pink linens will go with grey tableclothes. So…I set up “Fifteen on Friday” which is basically my time (and only time, with the exception of special excemptions) to talk wedding with him AND to have him be receptive. Fifteen minutes is what we agreed on, which allows me to touch base, show him ideas, ask stupid questions…etc. I can tell you 9/10 times we go over that time, but he knows coming home that tonight we’re going to talk wedding stuff and that the rest of the time I won’t. That puts him in a much more receptive mood and it gives me time to put together my arguments. “Honey, photo’s last a lifetime. They’re our legacy and I want the pictures to still be gorgeous in 3013! We can save money on invitations by printing them at home…etc”
Hope this helps and good luck with the planning process.