Financial disagreements

posted 2 years ago in Money
Post # 2
Member
2517 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

kortizi0:  I absolutely don’t think you are being unreasonable. However I don’t know how you are to go about changing his mind :-/ Unless he adds you to his checking account and you can move the money over yourself, maybe just have him pay any wedding expenses on his own dime ( his credit, his money)

If he doesnt pay, no wedding. Its sort of a way of protecting yourself from debt in the event anything bad happens ( not to be a debbie downer, but you aren’t married yet and he pays all your expenses)

You should not go into debt for this wedding if you have no income. 

Post # 3
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

kortizi0:  I would go for 45% or 40% savings, to be put into short term cash certificates or investments. Not just the wedding, you guys will need to think towards school for your child, a safety net in case he relapses again, and eventually retirement.  Maybe visit a financial planner together? You don’t need to mention the drugs but that SO occasionally splurges a lot of money on luxuries could come up in that conversation. Seeing the power of interest may also help the way things look for your SO to understand the value in saving.

anyway, 40-45% means a good chunk of money is being saved but there is still a little extra ‘fun money’ coming in for little splurges for the whole family. 

Good luck! It sounds like a scary situation finance-wise, and I hope for the best for all three of you.

Post # 4
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

I think you are completely in the right. If he had a slip as recently as a few weeks ago i would be very nervous about keeping all the money in the same account. I would definitely push for the seperate account in your name explaining you will doing most of the wedding purchasing and to stay on budget you need access to the wedding account.

Furthermore, for his addiction problem, he needs treatment. It might even be a good idea to put wedding plans on hold until he gets help. He needs counseling, group therapy, anonymous meetings, some of it, all of it, something. If he doesn’t think he needs help, he won’t admit he has issues that need addressing, that is a big red flag. The best thing you could do for him is to demand he get help or you are leaving. Especially since there is a child involved. Just my experience with addicts and my own addictive personality, unless there is a very strong reason for me to stop or alter my behavior, I won’t. I know I overstepped what advice you actually asked about, yet I hope you take it to heart. Look up about addiction and addiction recovery services in your area. Try to help him get the help he needs, but take care of yourself and your child above everything else.

It’s not easy, my thoughts go out to you.

Post # 5
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Are you positive you want to move forward with planning a wedding to a recovering addict who has relapsed twice in a few months?

My best friend is an alcoholic who has been to rehab six times – we are 23. It is draining on our friendship. I can’t imagine having a romantic relationship with someone still in the rocky stages of recovery. If you want someone to talk to re: caring about someone with an addiction, my inbox is open.

About the finances, does he understand how much needs to be saved for the wedding? Break it down for him. Can you two come up with a mutual compromise for a goal? Half of his income seems like an awful lot so I don’t blame him for bristling about that. 

Post # 6
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

I think you know the answer to this.   He cannot be trusted.   However, I think the deeper issue is the addiction.  It doesn’t sound like he is much into recovery.  I would not even be thinking about a wedding until he has been sober for several years, not several weeks. 

If you are not concerned for yourself living with an addict, I think you need to think long and hard whether this is the life you want your child exposed to.

Sorry to be so blunt, but this situation sounds scary to me.  Good luck

 

 

Post # 7
Member
49 posts
Newbee

I don’t know if this seems silly, but maybe call an accountant and see if they can sit down with you two to talk about realistic money management? Maybe that will help him see how important it is to manage it since you will becoming a married couple.

Post # 8
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Instead of worrying about how you’ll be paying for the wedding, I think you need to be focusing on getting your fiance help with his substance abuse. I would think working on getting him to take staying clean seriously would be more important than money at this moment. Him being irresponsible with money is probably just a side effect. Personally I think you’re missing the bigger picture which shouldn’t be about charging things to your credit card or wanting him to put half his new salary in your new savings account, rather him getting high when he has a fiance and a child at home. I find that to be the most troublesome and worrysome out of everything you said IMO.

Post # 10
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would not be marrying someone who had relapsed twice in the last year, especially if I had a child. I’m not saying you need to leave him, but I think the lack of stability in his recovery is a much bigger issue than the finances right now.

Post # 14
Member
6744 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

1) it is his paycheck and you are not married, so I don’t see why it would be fair to put the money where he can’t access it. (For the record, I am a non-working SAHM too)

2) you should just put all your wedding planning on hold until he can prove sobriety- like for a solid year or two.

 

Post # 15
Member
6028 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you don’t trust him not to put all of your household’s savings up his nose or in his arm, you’re better off not marrying right now. Plan a budget for the wedding and tell him you still want to marry him but you won’t do it till you (he) have saved $15k (or whatever the price of the wedding) plus three months of his salary. 

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