Financial Issues with Wedding Costs–Relative Actually Frightened Over This!

posted 3 years ago in Money
Post # 2
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

karen.peltier2:  I think instead of offering to do certain things, like reception decorations or shower, give them a set amount of $$ you are willing to contribute. With Pinterest and reality shows all about over the top weddings, sometimes that can make people want to do all these elaborate things for their wedding, not understanding how costly it is. It’s not your responsibility to foot the bill though. 

Post # 3
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

karen.peltier2:  Rather than offer to pay for decorations- an offer that literally has no bounds- offer them a specific amount of money to be used towards decor if you want to be specific, or allocated as they see fit.

Post # 4
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

First of all, it is very generous of you to contribute to your Neice’s wedding.

As for your troubles, I haven’t had to deal with anything like that since we are paying for the wedding ourselves. But as a general rule, whoever is contributing the money gets to make decisions. Obviously it is their day, however when they decide to accept money they need to accept it with all strings attached, be that your input on how it is spent, your limits on how much is spent, or any other requirements you give. If they don’t like that then they are free to pay for what they want another way.

I would strongly reccomend drawing the line at a dollar amount, rather than saying you will pay for certain things in full. Tell her “I have X dollard to contribute towards x,y, and z for your wedding. If x,y, and z end up being more expensive then she will have to figure out where else to get the money. but you don’t end up having to fund all of her wants and dreams.

Post # 5
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

PPs, are right. I think you need to go back to the bride and groom and go “This is what I’m offering. If that is not what you want, I’m sorry.” I know it feels hard when it is “there day” but the gift giver does get to set parameters of their gift, not the reciever.

Post # 6
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

First of all (((((( BIG HUGGGG )))))), I’m so sorry you are going through this and they are taking advantage of the situation. 

I agree with the others, as that was my first thought reading your post. Do not go above and beyond what you can afford. 

I think what you are doing is so kind and generous. We have no one helping us with our wedding and I would be so grateful if anyone offered to help. I can’t ever imagine saying it would not be enough or asking for me. 

Please let them know ASAP, that yes you offered but there must have been some miscommunication as it is not an unlimited amount and it seems your views differ. You will gladly give them X amount of dollars to spend as they wish on the decorations. I bet they will get a reality check once they start having to pay for some of it. 

As for the shower, I can’t imagine having one and not having the ladies from both sides and friends there, unless there were 2 being planned. If you can’t do it for everyone, I suggest enlisting other relatives to help financially if possible or kindly refrain from doing so. No one will be upset if you can’t do it. I think none of this is something an aunt should be required to do, so anything you do is above and beyond and should be appreciated or retracted.

Post # 7
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

For the shower, if it is going to be a large group of people (i.e. too many to fit comfortably at someone’s house) then ask the groom’s family to split the cost of renting a place with you. Maybe it can be a potluck so that the food costs are spread out amongst everyone so the burden isn’t all on you and MOB. 

Post # 8
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

karen.peltier2:  This is VERY kind of you and it is incredibly unfortunate that your neice is too caught up in “wedding fever” to understand what a thoughtful gesture this is. I agree with the other Bees that your best option is to give them the $500.00 now and explain that this is the money that you currently have and that this is  all of what you can contribute…perhaps ask your sister for backup to help explain this?<br />Are there bridesmaids? If so, maybe you could do a joint shower with them to help share fiscal responsibility? I wish you the best!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Tallulah_.
Post # 9
Member
957 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PP. Give them a set of amount of money that you’re willing to contribute, and then let them spend it as they wish. 

I actually think that $1700 is a reasonable amount for decorations, at least on average so I’m not too shocked at that amount, but it’s clear that you weren’t aware. Anything wedding is expensive.. it’s unfortunate. 

The best way to go here is just to be honest with the bride and groom and say “This is all I can do, I wish I could do more (even if you don’t mean it…) and then let them sort things out. If they throw a fit so be it… although I get that it would be tempting to take the money back in that case.

Post # 10
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree that I would change my offer to be a specific monetary amount. For the shower, you can set a limit to the number of people and then go from there. If it’s a 50 person shower, keep it to maybe just drinks and cake, if it’s smaller, do brunch or something easy (brunch is my go to, all it requires is a casserole, some croissants and fruit and some mimosas).

Sorry you are getting stomped all over. They are LUCKY that you have been so generous as to offer to help them!  If they want it to be a day all about them and everything they want they should be pitching in for it.

Post # 11
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Learn to say no. You’re being very generous by offering what you’re offering.

Post # 12
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

karen.peltier2:  From the information from your post, it sounds like your neice is sensative, which is fine, but can make it difficult for you to explain yourself without her becoming very upset. Maybe a good way to start would be to write her a text/email/letter explaining yourself. That your intention was to help them to the best of your ability and that you had offered to pay for the decorations because you incorrectly assumed that the decorations would be within your budget, which is $500.00. But through the planning process it has become clear that the decorations are out of your budget so, instead, you’d like to offer her $500.00 in cash to do whatever they would like with it. Then at the end of the text/email/letter ask her to meet you (and perhaps your sister for backup) for coffee or lunch to dicuss this further. Sending her the message first might give her the chance to cognize the situation better so that once you speak face to face you can discuss this without such heavy emotions involved?

Post # 14
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

karen.peltier2:  Of course, that makes sense. Then if you were planning on having the small shower at someone’s house, then tell the bride and groom that a large group would be simply too many people to comfortably have at one shower at once. As PP mentioned, maybe their bridal party can host another shower to include their friends, and his family could have one for his side of the family. 

I think PP’s have given a few good ideas about how to phrase things so that the bride and groom understand that you can’t spend more than x amount of money, and forget paying for a particular part of the wedding as agreed upon before. The way it sounds like they are going, they would put you and the MOB in debt if allowed to. They need to understand that real life doesn’t have an unlimited budget, and you are being very generous to help them out with contributing to their wedding. 

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