Post # 1
Darling Husband lives in Vancouver & I live in Michigan. We planned to get a place together in Ontario at the start of next year when our immigration paperwork should be finalized. Our reasons were that the cost of living is lower, I’m not keen on large cities, and most of all because my mom is in poor health. She’s living her life the best she can and we don’t know exactly how long she has, but it could be weeks or another ten years. So Ontario made sense.
Darling Husband was up for a promotion with what we thought was a small pay bump. He got it, however it wasn’t a small raise; it was a big one that nearly doubled his salary. This is great in terms of paying for the wedding and we’ll be able to afford an upgrade to our honeymoon we’d been toying with.
Darling Husband is still willing and I’m not a fan of large cities, but the idea of leaving a job with that kind of pay to an area where he’d likely make less is hard to contemplate.
If he stayed for 5 years in his new position, between the two of us, we’d be able to save enough to make a massive downpayment on a house and take our dream 3 month long European Vacation. It would be hard for me living in a large city, but I think I could get through it for a few years in light of the positive things it would bring to our lives.
But then there’s my mom. Her health is failing and she could die anytime from next week to next year to five years from now. Jobs come and go, mom’s don’t. Yet, how would we feel if we moved close and she died within weeks?
There’s a lot to consider, research, and discuss. We’re not going to decide anything for a couple months, but I’m already feeling stressed. I’m worred about us making the wrong decision and causing problems in our relationship. Not to mention, I feel terrible that Darling Husband is feeling stressed and not able to properly enjoy such a huge career accomplishment. Just felt really stressed out and needed to vent.
Post # 3
@Cappugcino: I’m sorry to see you’re going through this situation. It’s a tough situation. Could you possibly split your time between your mother’s and DH’s? This would allow you to spend the time you want with your mother but also allow for your husband to pursue his career.
Post # 4
@Cappugcino: What is your mother’s living situation right now? What if you moved to the city where your H has the new hefty raise, spend some time flying back to see your mother, but also look for assisted living or after 55 housing for her in your new town? Move her to you eventually?
I flew home often to see my dying father last year. Once he was off chemo and radiation and had 4-6 months to live, I started to fly home every 8 weeks. It was all I could do given I had a job and was working on my master’s at the same time. I had to figure out how many times was good enough for me to fly home. Obviouslyl every weekend was not possible. I don’t regret it and I’m glad I got those visits with him. I got to time the fourth visit of 2012 so that I arrived just hours before he died. I got to be with him.
I guess I wouldn’t say make the move so you can pay for the wedding and have your 3 month vacation, but just so you can hve your life with your H and build a financial future.
Post # 5
@Cappugcino: It sounds like you want the financial security and all of the good things it could bring to you, and if it were me, I’d take it. Not to minimize your mom’s situation, but any person could die at any time, and although I know it is a bit different when you know that they are going to die, it does not mean that you should put your life (that will have to continue after their passing) on hold. Also, the good thing about having more money is that it should not be too big of an inconvenience to visit her often or at the drop of a hat if she should need you. When you can’t be there in person, you can Skype, email, talk on the phone, and use all of the other technological mediums to your advantage here. You two could have a standing time that you speak every day or so, and could play games online or on phone apps so that it feels more interactive. Maybe even introduce her to WB so that you two can discuss how to give advice on a situation. If she doesn’t know how to use these things, take time before you move to teach her (and make a note sheet for her).
The point is, there are ways to continue to spend time and be close with one another, she doesn’t need your physical body to do this. I’m sure she would want the best for you, and if she struggles with it, just help her to remember that your leaving doesn’t change anything between you two. My mom had a very serious injury and would beg me to stay with her in the hospital (when her prognosis was still very rocky) while I needed to leave to go to college miles away, but once she got used to the idea that she didn’t need me physically to still have my support, she told me that it was the right decision to keep moving my life forward. I hope this helps… Just know that making your life better should not make hers or your relationship with her worse. We all have an expiration date, so try to make the most out of what you have, whatever that means for you specifically.
Post # 6
My mom is also in poor health but is in good care. Is someone with your mom? Your dad? Other family?
I will say that I don’t think you should make decisions based on when you think she will pass. My mom wouldn’t want me to live my life any differently and wants me to live for myself. I have no control over what may happen and I live in Oregon and she lives in Alaska.
Post # 7
It’s been a while since I’ve been there, but I’m sure Vancouver has some bedroom communities. Would you feel comfortable living in one of them? That doesn’t make you closer to your mom, but it seems like your bigger issue is the big city thing.
Post # 8
@AB Bride: My bigger issue is definitely leaving my mom. I know there are some bedroom communities we could check out. Even they would require some adustment – I live on a farm at the moment, so even a bedroom community next to a major city would be a huge change. I could deal, but the mom thing is what’s weighing on me. If she wasn’t a factor, I’d say Vancouver without a second thought.
Post # 9
@Olive12: I could split a little time, but Darling Husband and I have been long distance for an 8 year courtship and are anxious to be able to finally live together more than anything.
@sienna76: & @VikingPrincess: My stepfather lives with my mother and would certainly care for her. She doesn’t need hands on care.
@LIKE-A-BOSS: I would definitely teach her Skype etc. I think part of what makes it difficult, is that she’s been acting like she’s losing me forever being a 2 hour drive away, so I’m not sure how she’d handle the idea of me being a plane ride away. When she divorced my dad, we both were in college at the same time and then I have always been half an hour away at the most, so she’s never had to deal with letting go before.
Post # 10
@LIKE-A-BOSS: +1. You pretty much said exactly what I was thinking.
It sounds like you want the financial security and all of the good things it could bring to you, and if it were me, I’d take it. Not to minimize your mom’s situation, but any person could die at any time, and although I know it is a bit different when you know that they are going to die, it does not mean that you should put your life (that will have to continue after their passing) on hold.
I agree. It’s not exactly a fair comparison, but it’s the rest of your life (financial security) vs the rest of her life. You’ve got a long life ahead of you. I’m sure your mom wants to see you do well and to pass knowing that you are well taken care of and secure in your life.
How long is the flight? Can you just visit her at home more often? With the extra cash, flights should be easily affordable.
Post # 11
@Cappugcino: It is such a wonderful thing that you two are so close. It is hard for parents to be separated from their children and vice versa; however, there always comes a time when children (no matter what age) need more distance from their parents, be it physically or emotionally, to keep growing, and I’m sure she would never want to stand in the way of that (even if she doesn’t want to admit it yet). It will certainly be an adjustment for both of you, but you kind of have to put on your big girl panties and stay focused on why you have made your decision and how to make the best of it. She will come around as long as you make her feel as special as you always have. It is a good idea to plan trips for visiting in advance so that you both have something to look forward to when either of you get too down in the dumps and can’t get a hug from the other. If you can manage four trips a year, all you need to think is that three months is the longest you will go without seeing one another–it may seem like a lot of time to wait, but really it isn’t that bad if you still talk all of the time. I think you need to rip the Band-Aid off and realize that it will be a process getting used to doing things a different way, but it should be worth it–and if it isn’t (after giving it your best shot), then you can always make changes that are more comfortable. Everything will be okay.
My mom has a flare for the dramatic but she loves me as does yours, so just remember that even though your mom may pout and need tons of reassurance upon your parting, they always want you to reach for the stars and have the best life that you can possibly have. Your mom is part of who you are and she will always be with you in everything that you do (whether it is in making a phone call or remembering what she would do or say in a situation once she is gone), regardless of how much distance is physically between you.