(Closed) Fince cheated what now?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

His mother should not be mediating your arguments. You guys are adults.

That said, it sounds like you already had trust issues if you felt compelled to snoop through his personal accounts. 

Post # 4
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I would trust your gut here. I think pushing the wedding back and taking time to work through these things is wise. It may be helpful to find a third party to help you work through this. Have you guys thought of seeing a counsellor?

Post # 5
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Pepper92:  Ugh. Sorry you’re going through this. I think postponing the wedding is a good idea. So is counseling.

He may be sorry, but this is quite a few months of doing this behind your back stuff. I think you two need to figure out why he did this. Boredom? He’ll get bored again. How will you know he won’t act on it next time?

I think time is the only way to tell… just be careful. Not sure what I would do. Just don’t rush into marriage.

Post # 6
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

First off, HUGS! 

You have to go with your gut! I can’t stress that enough. If YOU feel like you guys can work past this together then try. If YOU think it is the right thing to push back the wedding that DO IT!

I am so sorry you have to go through this… but if I CAN give you a piece of advice it would be maybe suggesting that you and your FI go to couples counseling to work on the issue, as well as maybe your FI going to individual counseling to work on why he feels he needs to look at those things. 

Best of Luck! 

Post # 7
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@SnurfMurph86:  I have to agree.  While it sucks that he was doing this behind your back, he wasn’t technically cheating – just accessing a lot of porn.

 

Now, if you have a problem with porn, that’s one thing – but snooping through his emails is just ridiculous.  Why didn’t you just ask him up front why he was being so evasive?

 

Seek couples counseling.  Push back the wedding – not because he might look at porn again, but because you have trust issues.

Post # 8
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry that you are going through this, I hope you get through this, wether that be forgiving him or leaving him. 

Post # 9
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Pepper92:  

 I am sorry you are so upset and heart broken over this. If between you two his behavior was unacceptable, then you may want to postpone the wedding, take time to understand what’s going on, etc. 

 BUT!

On the other hand, since you guys have been together for so long (and since high school) and your bf has not had a chance to explore, maybe this was the time when he gave in to his exploratory instincts? Somehow I feel like what he did is not horrible, but it would have been better if he was not hiding it from you. Given that you would let him have freedom with this stuff, that is. Maybe try to understand the reasons why he went looking for pictures of other women? See if you can address the root cause without shaming him and being so heart broken yourself?

Post # 10
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Italiano's Humble

@Pepper92:  You’re right to have these feelings. I’m on the fence with porn(and I mean porn you just google, or have a favorite site, like my FH does. not the kind you CREATE by finding a real person).

That being said, you had to have had an issue with trust to begin with, if you felt the need to look. However, if you feel he is genuine, I’d give him the second chance. BUT, not a 3rd, 4th and so on.

One other thing. You have awhile til your wedding. I’d give him and your relationship the shot, without pushing it back. I just wouldn’t be putting down $ til you’re sure. On top of that, NO YOU DON’T TELL YOUR PARENTS. His mother knows, your friend(s) knows, etc. I know when we’re emotional, we tend to talk. That’s ok. But I’ll tell you now, no matter how GREAT Of a man he is/was, and can still be, or a complete douche, if you tell more people about this(ESPECIALLY FAMILY), he will be judged constantly, and you will too. They’ll judge him for his actions, they’ll judge you by how you handle it. He’ll always be the “cheater”, and behind your back, people will call you a fool.

Also, from personal experience. Once you decide to forgive him(and yeah, you can put him thru hell a little first, lol), you have to agree to YOURSELF, that this will not be something you throw in his face. My ex used to do this, and when he did it, it made me do it. You don’t have to forget, but once you forgive, you’re agreeing to let him start fresh.

Good luck, and I hope things get better for ya’ll.

Post # 11
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Ya know, I get sick of the whole ‘you have trust issues’ thing. When you’re in a relationship and know someone really well, you know when they are acting different, and if you ask about it and don’t get an answer, and you have a gut feeling (and by the way, that is known as a ‘second brain’ and is accurate more often than not) then I can’t say I blame you for snooping. I’ve never felt the need to snoop, but i’m not going to judge you for it, because in that situation I could do the same thing.

Has he had problems with porn in the past? I personally am ok with porn, but I would NOT be ok with him making accounts and having pictures sent to him. That would probably be a dealbreaker for me, but MAYBE not. Whether you want to give him another chance is really something only you can decide, and no, staying doesn’t make you a fool, nor does leaving. You said you really feel like he won’t do it again, so it may be worth sticking around. I don’t think telling your parents is a good idea, because as a pp said, they could judge him constantly. If it happened to me, I would tell my mother, because she’s our (yes, FI and mum are crazy close lol) best friend and I couldn’t keep it from her, but I wouldn’t tell ANY other family members for that reason. I guess it depends on your parents, if you think they’ll judge him, or hold it against him for a while, no don’t tell them. If you think they’ll help you through it and forgive him, it might be ok.

I also think pushing the wedding back is a good idea, you don’t want this to be fresh in your mind, or to have any doubts on your wedding day. Plus, it’ll give you more time to rebuild trust.

Post # 12
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

sorry to hear that, i hope you are okay, but my hat off too how you handled the situation.

snooping, smooping… sometimes your gut know best, the end justified the means in this case.

I think you should postpone the wedding, take time to rebuild, regroup and reflect.

Just curious, his sexting aside is a bit weird and a breach of trust, are you okay with porn?

Just suggesting alternatives to replace his rush, like sexting together, or even your own personal homemade porn for when you are away and he needs to chock the chicken. 

Post # 13
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I call it like I see it. Trust issues. They don’t usually pop up overnight for absolutely no reason.

 

Post # 14
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m sorry this is happening to you! I, too, dealt with this with my current FI but it was in the first year of our relationship (we have now been together 4 1/2 yrs). He was talking to girls online and receiving pictures from them. I still sometimes have trust issues and bring up the past, but I truly believe that with time it gets better if y’all are both willing to work at it and want it to get better. Since y’all started dating at such as a young age, I agree that maybe he’s just “curious” and wanting to “explore.” My FI and I didn’t start dating until we were both 20, and now he says that he was “young and stupid and immature” when he was doing the whole “online cheating” thing. I strongly believe that you should go with your gut feeling. I don’t think you’re foolish for still wanting to be with him. After all, you’re right, you’ve put a lot of time into your relationship with him. But also think about it this way, would you rather waste 4 years of your life in a relationship, or waste longer than that in an unhappy marriage? Not saying you’ll be unhappy, but I don’t think you should use the length of time y’all have been together as a justification. Also, do you believe he would have continued talking to these girls if he hadn’t gotten caught? I, too, believe counseling may help you both, hearing an unbiased opinion. However, only you can make the decision, and I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 15
Member
6639 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Definitely postpone the wedding.  It can’t do any harm but could potentially save you tons of money and heartache.

 

I also think that couples counseling is mandatory here.

Post # 16
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Pepper92:  Four years, in a lifetime is extremely short. You should go with your gut here and push the date back. I have a sense that your fiancé was more upset that he was caught than that he engaged in such behavior. The need to create an account that you know nothing about is only a glimpse into what he could conceal from you in the future.

The topic ‘Fince cheated what now?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors