- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
Sorry in advance for this being soooo long!
I have been dating my fiancé for a little over 4 years, we have been together since our JR year of High school, we have gone to college together, moved in together, been through a lot of crap together. This past November he proposed to me and of course I said yes J I thought everything was going great, we were moving along with plans for the wedding, talking about the future, everything seemed to be going really good.
Last weekend we had plans to go to a wedding expo after he got off work. When he came home I was finishing up and looking for my wedding ring. I was tearing the house apart looking for it (a whole nother post in itself) while getting up from the floor, I noticed he was having a conversation on his phone, when I said “what he was doing?” he replayed “nothing”. For some reason I just had an urge to find out what he was doing. We ended up not going to the wedding expo, due to the fact I was upset about looking my ring. Instead we went to brunch.
While at brunch I logged onto his Facebook on my phone. There was nothing there, so I thought I would look at his emails (I know I was invading his personal space but I had a feeling that told me to keep looking). When I went through his e-mails I went into the sent e-mails. I saw that he was e-mailing himself images. I clicked on the image and it was a face shot of himself. I looked at the email address he sent it too and it was his last name and some numbers @ yahoo. I wasn’t aware that he had a yahoo account, so being curious I went to yahoo and tried to log in (all his passwords are the same). The password wasn’t working. I felt sick, but because we were in public I tried to be calm and act normal.
He noticed that my mood had changed, and asked what was wrong. I asked him “when he had gotten a yahoo account?” he looked surprised and said he had one for work. When I asked him the name of the account he gave me one different from the one I found. I asked him about the one that I had seen and he asked me “what did you see?”. I felt mortified and got up and left the restaurant( my MOH came and picked me up). I text his mother telling her everything, she called me and asked if she could meet me at our house, and I agreed. When I got to my house, he was already there and I exploded on him, calling him everything in the book. When his mom got there she had us sit and talk (she was being a mediator and did not take side) he came out and told me that he was looking at Craigslist for porn, and he was also writing adds for girls to send him pictures. He also was getting on Chatroulette having conversations with people. When I asked him how long, he said that he was looking at pictures for about 3 months (October), he wrote an add this month (it was his first one), and he made an account on Chatroulette 2 days ago.
He swore he never wanted to meet any of these girls, he just wanted pictures. He deleted all his accounts infront of me. He told me he messed up, he ruined our relationship, and wishes he could go back and not have done what he did. He said he felt gross and hated himself. He told me the reason he started. He told me that he would try to tell me but back out because he was so scared. He told me that he was wrong, and understood if I wanted to leave him, or wanted him to move out. He promised me that he would do everything he could to earn my trust back, that he would start communicating his feeling to me, he would stop looking at porn all together, and never get on Craigslist again. I believe that he honestly is sorry and deep (I mean really deep) down I feel like he won’t do it again.
The next day when he got home from work he told me everything he did that day, we talked more about what he had done. We both cried for hours and talked about our feelings and our relationship. I had the thought of maybe we had to fall apart to fall back together, and become stronger. I felt like we had gotten to a good spot to start working on our relationship and take things slowly. However I am weary about getting married next summer, I think I want to push it back a year. I don’t want to rush into it. I don’t want to always worry about what he is doing, or be his parole officer and go through his stuff randomly. I just want our relationship back to how it was before his incident, normal. I want to give this a try and move pass this, because 4 years of my life is a lot to through away. I truly love him, and know I want to be with him as long as this was a one time incident.
I need an unbiased feedback… should I give him a chance again? Is it okay to push the wedding back? Should I tell my parents? Am I being foolish for still wanting to be with him?
Thanks for taking your time to read this, and leaving comments.