- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
Sorry I’ve been a bit out of pocket lately. Just alot and processing things internally with the situation regarding my grandma (who literally raised my sis and I).
It’s up/down/up/down with her right now, but peace has been made finally in my heart. It’s the joy that I’m waiting to have come back and the lack therof kinda put my wedding plans on the back burner. It sucked the wind right out of my sails. But finally, there are glimmers that me, the chick who couldn’t wait to plan her wedding to the man of her dreams, might just make a comeback. I want that joy and newness and feelings I had right after our engagement to return..
Today I’m driving home so I can spend tomorrow morning/afternoon with my grandma. Staying at my sis’ house. She said when we get in tongiht she’s happy because she can finally sit down and work on bridesmaid stuff. She’s trying to jump start the joy again and I love her so much for it. She said grandma would want us to do this and have fun.
Yesterday, at dinner, T told me he’d also had a surprise and that he’d finished a series of conference calls with the event coordinator at our favorite venue and said that we have secured the date we want where we want. It will be formalized in contract next week. So my sweet Fiance knowing I’ve been so shaken by all this, took it on himself and picked up the ball and began wedding planning FOR me. I love him so very much.
I felt like my life was somewhat on hold and a bit of a rollercoaster. I’d get a call, burst into tears, then get one a few hours later with different news. I realize the end result will be the same, but the difference is with time, you begin to accept that result. I now also realize that death is a part of life. You can’t get away from it, but what happens between the beginning and the end is what is important. In my job, we search for ways to avoid it at all costs pretty much, so maybe that’s been why I was having a hard time accepting things as they were. I am ready to finally begin returning to the world again I think.
I felt like a cloud kinda fell over everything. How could I be planning something so happy and fun when she was so ill and suffering..and I guess sometimes it takes time, meditation/prayer, silence at times, and feeling the love of those around you to just go through things. So this is what I’ve done. I’ve walked through this. Many of you have too, and I thank you for sharing with me how you got thru losing somebody you love.
When my son was little, there was this book of his which was one of his favorites called “Going on a Bear Hunt”. It was also a campfire chant that was popular when I was a kid. Here’s one verse that sticks out in my mind as of late:
“I’m going on a bear hunt.
I’m not afraid.
Are you afraid?
What’s that up ahead?
It’s a river!
Can we go over it?
Can we go under it?
I guess we will have to swim through it!”
So some things in life you can’t get past without some hard work. Can’t go over it. Can’t go under it. You just gotta go through it.