Firing a bridesmaid (sort of)?

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

sea.brunette:  I would just keep forwarding her the informaton you share with the other bridesmaids. If she gets the dress and can afford to go to Hawaii, she’s a bridesmaid. If she doesn’t, then she’s not.

As it won’t affect your wedding one iota, if she is there or not ( other than missing her as a friend) I see no reason to push her for a decision at this time.

This is just one of the risks you take choosing to have a destination wedding. It is more expensive for everyone and you have to be prepared for the fact that a good number of people, excited though they may be, will not be abe to afford to attend.

Post # 4
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

sea.brunette:  If she can attend as a guest, why wouldn’t she be a bridesmaid? If she can afford the 1000s of dollars to go to Hawaii, a dress is just a drop in the bucket. If anything, I would assume she would miss it entirely, not go and just not be a BM. 

Post # 5
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sea.brunette:  Just assume she will be a bridesmaid, if she can handle it financially -which she is probably still hoping that she can, and forward her the information that you sent to the other bridesmaids.  

Post # 6
Member
988 posts
Busy bee

If she’s planning to travel to Hawaii anyways, what additional costs would there be to her being in your wedding? Is it just the dress, or are you thinking that in order to be considered a bridesmaid, she’s required to pay for multiple parties & gifts?

If it were me, I’d offer to help her with the cost of the dress (and whatever accessories, etc. you’re requiring of all your bridesmaids) and make sure that she understands that her presence is present enough. I’d include her in the showers/bachelorette parties, etc. without forcing her to share the burden of the cost (surely your other 6 will understand).

Post # 7
Member
6028 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You can’t fire someone who doesn’t work for you. And someone can’t “resign” if they don’t work for you. It’s really dangerous to start letting those ideas creep into our vocabulary because then our bridesmaids stop being people we love, and start being employees, and that is very much uncool.

With that out of the way, I’d recommend you just cover Amy’s dress and other expenses if she is already planning to get herself to Hawaii. It sounds like the financial aspect is really the only thing holding her back, and if she means as much to you as you say she does, then paying for a dress is a very small investment in a long-term friendship.  Don’t expect her to come out-of-pocket for parties, gifts, makeup, etc and make sure she and the other bridesmaids all know that any of them can opt out of these activities at any time.

You’re asking an awful lot of all of your friends and family to pay for a trip to Hawaii for the occasion of your wedding, so it would be incredibly gracious of you to always remember that, and be as generous with your bridal party and your guests as possible. If that means skipping a bridal shower or covering certain costs, then that would be the right thing to do.

Post # 9
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee

I think I would ask her again although I didn’t catch when the wedding actually is.  But I would tell her hey, I still want you to be a bridesmaid, we’re at the point of ordering dresses so wanted to see where you are at on this.

Post # 10
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

sea.brunette:  Well I would have no way of knowing it was $240 and that’s beside the point. I didn’t say it wasn’t expensive, I said comparatively. If she’s struggling, chances are she won’t attend period. Also if you require a certain shoe YOU need to pay for them. 

If she’s that good of a friend you’d think you would be flexible with her as far as days flying in, rehearsals, hotels, etc. But apparently not. 

Post # 11
Member
988 posts
Busy bee

 

sea.brunette:  I never assumed it was a small amount, but what I’m saying is that if the $240 dollars is all that stands between her being able to stand up with you and support you on your big day, I’d do what I could to make sure she’s still included. As for the travel being restricted…how does being a BM affect the travel plans? Doesn’t a rehearsal dinner generally occur the night before the wedding? Even if she weren’t in the party, it isn’t as though she wouldn’t arrive in Hawaii by the day before.

Post # 13
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

I don’t mean this to sound negative but I just do not understand these types of thread. Surely if this girl is close enough to you to be asked to be your bridesmaid then you should be able to talk to her openly about her situation and ask her outright whether or not she still wants/ is able to be your bridesmaid??!!

Post # 14
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

sea.brunette:  I think you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that the wedding party doesn’t have options as to their flights and accomodation. As long as they are present for the wedding, that’s all that counts. While it’s nice if they make it to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, it’s not really rocket science.  Most people can walk down the aisle without practice.

If your wedding party finds cheaper flights or accomodation, that is their right. You don’t get to mandate when they fly or where they stay. If their budget dictates that they take the red eye the night before their wedding, so be it.

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