Post # 1
This is more of a vent than a question, but I’m just so frustrated that I don’t know what to do. This weekend was our first aniversary and we just moved into our ‘forever home’. I bought DH a new grill for our aniversary because we really enjoy cooking out on our porch. We both also took a few days off of work to do some painting and unpacking over the long weekend. Well, DH got me nothing for our aniversary. Zero. Zip. In some ways this is not surprising because he also never gets me anything for my birthday. I’ve told him before that this hurts my feelings and I would never even consider not getting him a gift. I asked him why he didn’t get anything and he says that he ran out of time. How lame. I don’t know what to do, Bees. He’s generally a good person, but this makes me feel really bad. I know that some people would say to just get over it, but I don’t want to. I don’t think it’s crazy to want my husband to do something nice for me on special occaisions.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
My Dad once forget their anniversary (or just didn’t get anything for my mom) and to make up for it he bought her flowers – like nice arrangements of flowers every month for a year. I thought that was sweet! LOL. She loved getting surprise floral deliveries or just having him come home with flowers. However, I am pretty sure she told him to do this or something to make up for it!
I never shy away from just telling FI what I want – he’s often clueless – He’s pretty much told me to just ask for what I want or tell him. . So, when I have a birthday coming up I tell him to get me a card, flowers, and either take me out to a nice dinner and/or get me a gift with some suggestions. Worked out great so far! He’s gotten creative a few times now too like an hour long massage gift certificate. I never asked for one but it was awesome!
I am always hurt when SO’s forget or get nothing. So now I just ask. Enough men told me they never get hints, they don’t know what to get, and no they don’t pay attention like women do to things we might have mentioned we’d like someday. It sucks and I’m so sorry he forgot! I would think any guy could at least pick up a card and some flowers!
I once got a $5 bag of coffee as a gift from an EX for Christmas. No card, wrapped in tissue paper and packing tape. I bought him over $100 worth of very well thought out gifts. Ugh. I had no words…I was just like “umm..thanks” and he was so relieved that “I liked it” …
Post # 4
Commenting to follow. Dealing with similar situation
Post # 5
@Ms_Purple: For my latest birthday (in August) I told him exactly what I wanted. I also left the catalouge to order it open on the dining room table with the picture circled. Still nothing. I don’t think it’s because he can’t figure out what to get.
Post # 6
@Ms. Kitty: Because it wouldn’t bother me, I would go out and buy myself something nice and say, “Thanks for the necklace, honey. I pick out fabulous gifts.” However, my DH never forgtes anniversaries or birthdays.
This is a tough one becuase you don’t get anything for your birthday. Perhaps you can say, “Honey, I know we don’t exchange gifts on birthdays, but anniversaries mean a lot to me, and I was really let down when I didn’t receive even a card from you. I just wanted to let you know that my feelings are genuinely hurt.”
I guess that is really the most you can do besides getting over it, and hopefully he will either make it up to you or try better next year.
Post # 7
I would be really upset that the person I married cared so little, that he couldn’t do something simple like order something I specifically asked for, to give me for my birthday. I would be tirelessly expressing that he’s hurting me by not doing something as simple as picking up a small token to give for an anniversary. A first one no less.
Thankfully my FI is an amazing gift giver, and incredibly thoughtful. I wouldn’t be able to deal with this very well. While surprisingly my love language is not gift giving, I appreciate a good gift.
Post # 8
Perhaps you should read the book 5 Love Languages that’s been praised on the Bee and everywhere. If yours is gifts, and he’s not getting it, that’s really not a good thing. DH and I read that book together, and it really opened our eyes and helped us to speak each other’s languages and understand each other’s affections.
Did you do anything else on your anniversary? DH and I didn’t exchange gifts, and on the morning of, I freaked out that I’d forgotten even a card (and we had a high 5 moment over brunch when he admitted he’d forgotten a card as well). But we went to a show, had a nice dinner, etc. Did he do anything out of the ordinary for you?
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour
I would be upset to. To me ‘I ran out of time’ means ‘you are low on my priority list’. While DH always gets me something, he does ask here and there for occasions if there is something that I want. Maybe it would help to give him a short list of gift ideas?
Post # 10
I would be extremely hurt if I were in your shoes, so I don’t think you’re being out of line or materialistic. This line your wrote is exactly accurate: I don’t think it’s crazy to want my husband to do something nice for me on special occaisions.
Unfortunately, I think the only think you can do is keep telling him how much it hurts you (and maybe even get mad at him on those occasions) until he realizes it and changes. You can’t physically make him get you gifts or cards, so I think you’ll have to do something to make him want to or otherwise he’ll have to deal with result.
If it makes you feel any better, when DH and I started dating, I defintely told him that birthdays, anniversaries and even sweetest days are very important to me and I will be very hurt if they are ignored. Gifts don’t have to be marvelous, but these are days to show appreciation for one another and if they are igored then I will take it as you don’t care/appreciate what I do for you and our relationship. Since then he has not missed one, although I do normally remind him when sweetest day is coming up. So, point being, sometimes DH’s really do need you to spell out what you expect/want from them. Hopefully it won’t take more than a few times for you and your DH.
Post # 11
I was just going to suggest reading the 5 Love Languages together. My DH’s love language is receiving gifts, mine is not. Now I know that is important to him, I go out of my way to buy him little things because I know it means something to him. It doesn’t come naturally to me but, because I love him, I make it a priority. Maybe he just needs to understand that it is important to you.
Post # 12
@Ms. Kitty: I know that sucks but it sounds like he is just not a gift giver. Buy yourself a nice present and tell him thanks. Maybe he will get the hint.
Post # 13
This is one of those love languages things. Instead of letting this get to you and taking it out on him in a less-than-constructive way, make him really see and feel exactly what you are feeling to get your point across.
Obviously gift-giving is not his love language, but it is yours. Keep in mind that this is a personal preference, ok? It is not an issue of right or wrong. Your husband is not a bad guy or doesn’t love you simply because he didn’t get you a gift. Me, personally, I couldn’t care less about gifts so it works out well for my husband and I, neither of us cares about that. We always get each other joint gifts or splurge and spoil ourselves with a trip, and neither of us likes surprises, so it works out. We do always get each other cards, though. I love cards.
Anyway, I digress.
What is your husband’s love language? Is it physical touch/sex? Is it acts of service? Whatever it is that’s meaningful to him – you should know what it is, btw – you need to sit him down, very calmly and logically and point out to him the one thing you do for him that makes him know you love him – and ask how he would feel if you no longer did that thing. (Sex is a good example, if that makes him feel loved by you). Ask how he would feel if you stopped making him feel loved. (Not saying you should do that, please don’t, but make him think about this).
Point out to him that is exactly the ranking in importance that receiving gifts from him is to you. It is not about the “stuff” you get, I’m sure, it’s about the fact that to you it is a sign of his love for you that he takes the time and trouble to get you a gift and surprise you. Although gifts may not mean much to him, I’ll bet sex does, so that’s a good analogy.
If he can really and truly understand how much this means to you he should get it through his head to do this one simple thing to make you happy. Also, make it easy for him, give him little reminders or whatever. And don’t get overly angry or emotional about it, or that will ruin his motivation to get you a gift. Let him know this means a lot to you, but stay calm and rational about it.
Post # 14
@Ms. Kitty: This is not something that would hurt my feelings, but I understand it did hurt *yours*, and I’m sorry you are upset.
I think it’s safe to say that not all men (and some women) are as sentimental towards special occassions as we are. I do not think your DH is selfish, or a jerk just based on this disinterest in gift-giving alone…I just think that maybe he doesnt have as many emotions/”warm fuzzies” as you do toward gifts, etc.
While I think that it’s important you tell him how you feel, I dont think you can neccesarily just *get* him to start getting into the spirit of doing extra things if it’s just not who he is. He can certainly make the effort for your sake; I’m just trying to shed some light as to WHY he might not be.
I guess you have to ask yourself if it’s something you want to have to prompt him to do every birthday/anniversary, or decide it’s something he’s just not that into that you can live without. In my opinion: I dont really want a gift or card I have remind someone to get me :-/
If he’s a good guy otherwise and has other ways of making you feel special, if it were me I’d let this slide.
Post # 16
@Ms. Kitty: I’m so sorry! I hope in some small way, this makes you feel better…
[link removed per self-promotion policy, sorry!]