First big fight with FI.. Please help I don't know what to do.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1589 posts
Bumble bee

@MinnesotaRedneck:  I don’t know if your relationship is over or not.  Right now it sounds like that is in the hands of your  FI. You make a couple of concerning statements:  

  • I know I can be over bearing and pushy at times
  •  I then got so mad all of the sudden and started scolding him and then I hit him in the sides few times. foam fully aware I was wrong to lay hands on him.. And I will never do that again. 

If the roles were reversed and you were the woman being hit and being with an overbearing and pushy male there would be a lot of advice to leave.  So, maybe it is right for your FI to be taking a break and evaluating things.  If you really want to repair the relationship, maybe you need to show him you’re taking real, concrete steps at making some changes in your own behavior.      

Post # 4
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

He said he didn’t know… I would give it a week and ask him again. If he says “idk” again, I would ask him what he wanted if he “had” to chose in this moment. If he says no, then you should go ahead and move on.

I can’t truly relate because I’m not threatened by pornography. But, I do emphathize and hope it works out eventually!

Post # 5
2766 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like you two really don’t see things eye to eye. And the fact that your response to something like this is to yell and hit him… I just don’t think you sound ready for marriage. 21 is REALLY young – I got engaged at 23 and it was too young. I needed time to experience life, and I also realized that the person I got engaged to wasn’t the right person. Your FI is right – people do change and sometimes they just aren’t compatible. It may be that he’s realizing you aren’t compatible, or he might be worried that’s the case.

Right now, I’d give him the space and time he needs. And during this period of separation, I’d suggest doing some really deep thinking about what you want from life and this relationship. Marriage sounds great, I know, but jumping into it just to start a family young really isn’t a great idea if the relationship isn’t rock solid.

Post # 6
523 posts
Busy bee

@fascinated:  This is great advice!!

I think right now you have to give him his space and work on your own issues. Honestly, you behaved childishly by hitting him in bed and I think he needs time to sort through this.

Many times the first time you have a big fight it can be enlightening for both partners and not always in a good way.

I wouldn’t rush to make any rash deicisons right now, just sit tight and give him the space he seems to need.

Post # 7
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t know why you get so upset about porn (sorry if I missed the reason behind it in your pots).. perhaps you should work on getting over something so silly (my opinion – I don’t care about porn, FI can watch it and we watch it together) and the apologize for how you treated him and tell him that the porn is no longer an issue.  Otherwise, perhaps you should move on – do you love the person you become when you’re around him and upset?  are you willing to accept the porn – b/c it looks like he’s saying he’s NOT giving that up?

Post # 8
724 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like you’re having trouble communicating on all fronts. About pornography, about your parents, and most importantly about your own thoughts and feelings.

That you can talk to his mother about these issues more than him is telling, on both your behalfs. This isn’t what communication in a mature relationship looks like, and his mother is not doing you guys any favors by being in the middle.

In your defense, it sounds like you’re weathering some of his hardships, and you’re very young to be in that position. While not an immediate dealbreaker, it does put considerable stain on a young couple, and I would advise you to decide whether you’re ready to be burdened with another person’s growing pains while you are still growing yourself.

Post # 9
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think you need to call off the engagement and seek therapy. It is NOT okay to hit your partner. 

Post # 10
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MinnesotaRedneck:  I don’t want to be super negative, but it sounds like it might be over. This actually sounds a lot like how my ex and I were, and the way he was so quick to end things when HE was in the wrong sounds like he was waiting for an excuse.

Give it a few days and let him come to you. Do not get emotional and if you meet up with him do not let him see you cry. You seem like you are an emotional person (which is not always a bad thing!) and if he is used to you crying a lot at this point it won’t have much more of an effect than annoying him.

Post # 12
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Sorry, but I think a lot of people are going to comment that you are too young. This fight is the perfect example. A mature relationship does not need to use a mother as a mediator. You should be able to talk to youR FI, not his mother. That is absurd! Also, you should speak to him in person or on the phone. Text messaging when something is that important is not going to help. Messages are going to be read the wrong way. 

Also, it is just crazy that you felt it was ok to hit him. Doesn’t matter how angry you are, you shouldn’t resort to violence with someone you love. 

i would highly suggest couples therapy and putting the engagement on hold. It sounds like there are several big issues that you and your FI need to sort out before committing yourself to marriage and children. 

Post # 13
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You both, but especially you, seem waaay too immature to contemplate marriage. Give it some time, with or without him, to experience life and grow up a bit.

Post # 14
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

You can’t even watch porn on youtube! You have to learn to pick your battles and figure out your priorities in life. No one is perfect. If you decide that watching porn (or lusting visually over another woman on the internet) is a high priority topic for you, then break up and move on. Don’t make him promise to give up porn, because he’ll probably just get better at hiding it from you, and then it will be you battling against porn, lying, and hiding things.

Post # 15
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center

It’s not about age, it’s about maturity. I don’t think you’re mature enough to continue the relationship unless you really dedicate yourself to calming down over your issues. It’s not okay to hit your partner under any circumstance and just because you’re a girl doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt your partner – physically or emotionally. You have to give him time to think about it. Maybe it didn’t seem like a big deal when you did it at the time, but hitting is a serious issue and you’re going to have to overcome this behavior, in or out of therapy, in order to have any healthy relationship.

Post # 16
2282 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@echapman:  I agree with you that he is probably over it, but not that he was in the wrong at all. Sorry. I know it’s mostly semantics, but I would hate for the OP to think that she was in anyway “in the right” – she HIT him. I’d be livid/over it too if I were him.

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