Post # 1
To start off, there is way too much sh*t in the history of my in laws to go into details in this post. However, to those who are aware I cut off all communication with my in laws after the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered from them last year. After marrying their son almost 5 months ago, this is the FIRST contact I’ve received from ANYONE in the family. I don’t know how to take this as Darling Husband told his mom not to contact me after all her communication with me was only making things worse. Since our last meeting I’ve had to seek counseling and was put on an anti-anxiety medication by my doctor. Needless to say, they’ve pretty much f*-d me up since they came into my life and decided to make it a living hell.
Here is the email:
Looking at the calendar I see that (university name) graduation is coming very soon. I had been looking forward to seeing you walk down and receive your diploma this spring. I am so very sorry that our relationship is such that we are not wanted there to celebrate such a milestone in your life. Hoping that that will change in the near future.
Still wishing you the best.
Guilt trip? To be ignored? If I replied at all it would be: thank you for your kind wishes, however I do not wish to have any contact with you or your family unless your own issues of control are addressed. Darling Husband and I are very happy we are able to have such good friends surrounding us and will be very happy celebrating in your absence.
Of course: what I probably WILL do is ignore, delete and move on with my life.
It was just upsetting. Brush the dirt under the rug and invite in the president, this family likes to keep up appearances while tearing down others for their own benefit.
Really upset tonight and thought to post. I think replying to it at all would only encourage the unwanted contact. I have already changed my number so they cannot reach me. It freaks me out when I get any sort of communication from them as it’s always out of the blue and never nice.
Post # 3
I would not respond. They need to prove that they can act appropriately before I would ever consider letting them be part of such an important day as your graduation.
Post # 4
I personally wouldn’t respond. If she was in the wrong, she wasn’t exactly apologizing for making your life hell.. it DOES sound like guilt tripping.
Post # 5
Exactly: and I forgot to add that graduating seniors have to order tickets for their family members attending months before they walk. I have just enough tickets for Darling Husband and my family and considering they hadn’t contacted me in 5 months, it was pretty much impossible for me even to guess they WANTED to come much less were thinking about me. *eyeroll* I swear my Mother-In-Law is a witch stirring up her cauldron of drama bubbling with guilt and sugary sweetness. I feel like even re-reading my post is a good reality-slap when I actually start believing they mean what they say.
Post # 6
@SaucyMcgee: Darling Husband has made it clear to his family that unless it’s an apology they’d better not be contacting me. I agree with you. Thanks, ladies for giving me some sanity tonight!
Post # 7
She’s made it sound like it’s your fault you aren’t on speaking terms so she hasn’t done herself any favours. Ignore!
Post # 8
It sounds like she’s reaching out but just doesn’t know how to talk to you. Maybe tell her you would like to have a relationship but feel very hurt and need an apology? I’m sure there are good reasons for you not talking to them but it sounds like she’s trying.
Post # 9
If someone caused so many issues in my life that I had to get therapy or go on ad’s I wouldn’t respond. Unfortunately people like that can’t be trusted to be genuine. Especially if this damage was done only five months ago. That’s a fairly short period of time. You might mention it to your husband but that’s about it if you ask me! And congratulations on graduating! It’s such a great accomplIshment!
Post # 10
Yikes! Guilt trippy much? ” I’m sorry our relationship is such…”
What the hell is that shit? How about an ” I’m sorry Im a psycho?! Want to Meet for tea?”
Yikes. Ignore it op…
Post # 11
maybe she does feel a bit guilty but if they have done lots of terrible things to you that is clearly not enough to forgive her. I am not sure what you should do though…
Post # 12
I talked it over with my mom and she thinks I should respond by simply thanking her for the well wishes ever fibre of my being is against that though. She asked my dh if she could send me an apology foreverything she did and then sent me that shit. He agreed it wasn’t good enough or even what she said she was going to apologize for. I don’t know what to do: I don’t want her back in my life and in no way want to encourage that by responding . But I do not want to be the big bad DIL 🙁 its lose lose for me either way
Post # 13
What does your Darling Husband think about this email? Is this her way of apologizing? Or trying to open the door TO apologize to you?
I don’t know the backstory, but for her to have no contact with you for five months and then to send what seems to be a nice email, to me, an outsider with no other perspective, it seems like she *might* be trying to make the first steps to making ammends.
Just my thoughts!
Post # 14
What does your Darling Husband think you should respond to the email? I vote for not responding! It’s not worth the stress and anxiety that having her back in your life will cause. It sounds like your Darling Husband is super supportive of you not having a relationship with her, so I wouldn’t go out of your way to make amends at this point. Maybe in a year or two you guys could try communicating again– it would be great if you could work something out before kids (if you’re ever planning on having them) come along so that that doesn’t open a whole new can of worms! Good luck, OP!!
Post # 15
I would have thought it was an olive branch offering if it weren’t for the fact that she placed the blame of you two not talking all on you by saying that you are the one the doesn’t want her there – not that she isn’t being invited due to her shitty behavior (and then apologizing). I would have your Darling Husband write the reply email, explaining that it’s him responding to her, and have him explain that until she realizes and apologizes genuinely for her horrible treatment of you she will never be included in your lives. Have him explain that the treatment was so terrible you were forced into therapy to deal with it. Put the guilt back. Have him explain that they are not invted to the graduation then return to silence. Leave it on them.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. The “ignore it” advice is great as well. I’m just the zero tolerance to BS type of person so the moment I smell it in my presence I have a tendancy to point it out to the person sending it. So take my advice with a grain of salt.
Post # 16
Thanks, all. I am BS tolerant as well. I don’t give two hoots about having ANY of them back in my life. With or without our kids in the future. They are just not the kind of people I trust or want a relationship with. I do think it’s important I show myself to be the bigger person but am not sure replying to this myself is the right thing right now. It’s been 8 months since it happened to me with them, 5 months since we last saw them at all. I feel like it’s too soon to open up a new can of worms, anyway why would I want an apology that has to be completely initiated by my Darling Husband or by my response that this email was no apology to me at all. :/
I may simply reply: thanks for the well wishes, sincerely- pumpkinbarry
I don’t want to give any hint that I am taking crap but I don’t want to be talked about even worse behind my back. I said thank you. No further reply necessary. Certainly no reply to anything other than a more sincere apology in the future. I just hope I’m not doing the wrong thing. Either way it could backfire on us both.
Regarding DH’s reply to the email: he thinks she does not mean to guilt trip however it was certainly not an apology, and crap compared with what she told him she was going to say.
It concerns me that as long as they keep up appearances with Darling Husband and treat me entirely differently behind his back, they will never change their ways. IF they want back into our lives, they know they need to do much, much more to make up for it and prove themselves as the kind of people who can be trusted.
I know in the past, Darling Husband has said they MUST apologize to me, they have all treated me very badly and he is not happy with them at all. He’s said everything short of get the f* out of her life unless you shape up, only in nicer words. 😛 He’s not nearly as gutsy as I am.