Post # 1
I’ve never had an outright fight with FI until yesterday – like a yelling one where I was boiling mad. He was upset that his sister is planning my shower and my sister didn’t RSVP and he thinks she isn’t going to show up. He’s like “you need to stop making excuses for her its extremely disrespectful”. I agree, sure, she’s 18 years old and a kid, and doesn’t even live in this city. We also have a mother with serious psychological issues who my sister lives with and pressures her on a daily basis to stop talking to me. I feel so bad that her life is probably hell living with the woman and I know she is torn – I’ve been there.
Then he’s like “she isn’t standing as a witness for us if she doesn’t come to your shower.”
WHAT? Since when does he get to decide and why does he think its his job to punish her?
I was so angry. She’s my sister! And the only way to keep the door open with her is to be understanding, not take away privileges like she’s a five year old that said a swear. His family is pretty much perfect so he just doesn’t get it sometimes.
I’m still so upset. That he was heavy handed and left me out of his “deciding” how to deal with it. That he doesn’t try to understand my family sometimes. And it also makes me feel extremely inadequate because well, my family sucks compared to his. I feel really depressed and emotional today. We kind of settled the argument, I asked him to be patient with her and he said fine she can be part of it. I don’t think he expected me to stand up to him so strongly. But we didn’t really “make up” and he left for work early today.
Bees I just feel sad and awful. I guess I just need some support.
Post # 3
@bella128: It’s ok…fighting is all part of it. I think your FI got so very upset because he sees your sister’s lack of manners as a slight against you and his family, who he obviously loves and cares about very much….it’s all an issue of perspective and it will clear itself up after he has some time to see that puttin on his Daddy pants and trying to ground your sister from your wedding is a dumbass move, since she already has ONE father, and in no way needs another.
Mr. 99 is kind of like that too…and I actually have to stop myself from laughing at him when he says things like, “If my sister doesn’t come pick up her f&*#(ing bench, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!” I know the comparison isn’t nearly the same, but I get it, after five years of such drastic statements, I’ve figured out that when it comes the threats like these…he’s all coat and no trousers and has NO intention of following through with whatever it is, let him kick up a fuss and when the dust has settled, sort it out resonably.
As for making up…..I’ve frozen Mr. 99 out for days before….he’s a man that needs time to process what happened, what he did wrong and how to fix it, rushing that only makes things worse…so don’t worry about it, you two will come back around to each other, it’s fun to be mad for a while.
Post # 4
Big hugs to you.
First of all, he is definitely in the wrong here. There are LOTS of reasons people don’t attend showers, and none of them is a reason to say someone, let alone an immediate family member, can’t stand with you in your bridal party!!!
IMO, you need to stand your ground on this. She is your sister, and regardless if you and she have the perfect relationship, HE doesn’t get to make those kinds of decisions about your relationship with her.
Post # 5
@Nona99: Haha thanks Nona at least there are other silly boys pretending to play daddy. You made me laugh – maybe it is fun to be mad…
@Baroness_Meg: Thanks 🙂 Inside I know that, it just upsets me that he doesn’t get it.
Post # 6
@bella128: First of all, I can absolutely guarantee you that his family isn’t perfect. If your FSIL and/or FI are getting this bent out of shape over a late RSVP, that alone sounds pretty ridgid.
Who exactly is making the stink about this? Your FSIL and/or your FI? I’m frankly puzzled why your FI is so invested in your sister attending your shower. That’s between your sister and you – what’s it to him?
If your FSIL is complaining to him and he’s bringing that to you – they’re both out of line. While I can apprciate that its annoying when guests don’t RSVP, a gracious hostess would either handle it herself or nicely ask you to follow up with your sister for an answer. If she groused to your FI then I don’t see why he couldn’t just tell her he’d mention it to you and ask you to follow up on it and get back to her with an answer. What, exactly, is the big fat deal?
If your FSIL merely mentioned it to your FI and asked him to mention it to you and he got this upset about it – well, that’s….not really an appropriate reaction. His decree that she couldn’t witness your ceremony if she didn’t attend your shower seems grossly inappropriate as well.
Is all this angst coming from him or does his family push him around and make big stinks about stuff?
Post # 7
@Nona99: I just wanted to say I absolutely love the phrase “all coat and no trousers ” and am totally going to start using it.
Also, you make a good point – my husband tends to make the dramatic statement when he’s frustrated and it took me awhile to realize he’s just blowing off steam. Maybe that’s all that’s going on here.
Post # 8
In my opinion, this sounds like a major overreaction on his part. When it came to my shower, My family and his did not rsvp because it was “assumed” that they would show up to the shower. Even if someone was to decline or not show up that dosn’t mean they wouldn’t show up to the wedding, things come up and that is life. I also agree with the PP that said it is a little odd that he is so invested in who is showing up to your shower. My husband really did not care at all!
Your FI needs to um, calm the F down. Don’t tell him that specifically though!
Just try to stay calm and tell him your sister WILL come and even if she dosn’t, it is not out of disrespect…she is just going through a lot.
Also to relate, my family is pretty messed up as well. In order for my husband to fully understand it, I had to tell him all the dirty details. I don’t know if this is what you want to do or if you had, but opening up can help.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@bella128: Part of getting married is learning how to fight fair and learning how to apologize and deciding what issues you are willing to lose the relationship over. Learn from this fight and become better lovers and fighters as a result. A reasonable amount of fighting in a relationship is normal so long as you are not having knock down drag out fights where things get physical or someone fights unfairly (i.e. calls names, humiliates the other person, etc…)
Do not rehash the argument but you two do need to make amends officially. Tell him you love him and while you value his opinion and appreciate his need to protect you, your sister is your family and you can deal with her being immature. After all, she is only 18 (I am guessing this anger comes from your FSIL who also doesn’t understand your family dynamics with your sister.)
Post # 10
@Zhabeego: Aw thanks 🙂 I know they aren’t perfect I just feel inadequate sometimes. I don’t think they were getting catty behind my back – I honestly don’t know what got him so offended. He’s not really getting pushed around by his family I don’t think – its more like what Nona said, letting off steam. Thanks for your support 🙂
@Cady: Yeah it was a huge overreaction… he’s a very senstitive person but I just don’t know why he took it so personally and was so harsh about it. I try to tell him the dirty details… he just doesn’t get it because he has no experience that relates. I wish he would try a little more. Thanks for your support 🙂
@beachbride1216: Yeah that’s a really good point. We should have a calm discussion about fighting fair – I guess I just haven’t dealt with this before with him – there was only an almost-name calling that I apologized for and felt awful about – but you’re right that the lines need to be drawn so things don’t escalate. Thanks for your suggestions. FSIL is also a bit hotheaded so between the two of them this happens occasionally… I am not a fighter but my mama bear instinct kicked in for my baby sister!
Post # 11
From the sounds of it, you realize and probably know first hand the shit your sister is going through with your mom. If your sister does not show, that is something you should be upset about if you choose to, not your FI. He is wrong here, it is not his place to say these things or expect that she’s not included in the wedding due to this,.
I agree that he’s probably just spewing this stuff because he’s worried her not attending could upset you, or maybe even that it would look bad that your own sister didn’t show up, However, this is something between you and your sister, it doesn’t involve him, If he’s worried about perception, he’s way off base. This isn’t the shit that matters in the long run.
Maybe you could talk to your sister, find out if she’s planning on attending, and let it be known that she is or is not, or ask her to RSVP. I highly doubt that most 18 yr olds understand the importance of RSVPing to an event. She may figure that it’s obvious she’s coming so why bother?
The argument will blow over, and it won’t be your last. Just let things calm down and talk through it rationally and calmly. My mama bear instinct kicks in for my “little” sister too and she’s 27.
Post # 12
@bella128: Disagreements help us establish boundaries. You need to calmly explin to him wht made you so upset about his reaction and set boundaries for how you’ll handle this type of situation in the future. Try not to be too angry with him this time because he didn’t know where an what the boundaries were. But, in the future he needs to resolve conflicts like this in a way you can both live with.
Post # 13
Aw, fighting is awful. I do think you’re right though, younger siblings (esp. teenagers) have no idea how important something like RSVP’ing is. Are you sure she even got her invitation? Is there are chance your Mom hid it?