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can you not move to his city? I see that you're saying you're moving for your new job, but presumably your job is not as unique as his? are there job prospects so that you could go to him?
additionally, wouldn't you also just be leaving this 2nd guy when you have to leave for your job?
I wouldn't give up a loving and committed relationship for a what-if with some "friend"-- in my opinion, a true friend wouldn't put you in this position.
@bookworm88: I definitely can't move to my FI's city (it is so unique a job that I dont' feel comfortable putting down what it is, actually). But suffice it to say, my grad degree wouldn't be worth much there!
And thanks for your comment - you are right. I would be leaving for my new job (away from my "friend" and into this new career) no matter what in just a few months.
And I also agree - I think I feel some anger at my friend - I feel like if he had never said these things, I'm not sure I'd be thinking them! Sometimes I think that, and then sometimes I think he just opened a window to how I was feeling all along. But you're right - it's too crazy to change a committed, healthy relationship for a what-if with someone who I'm not sure about.
You are not a traitor for thinking these things. I am falling asleep at my keyboard or I would try and reassure you about a lot more things, but please don't feel that way...you're not married yet. It is okay to re-evaluate your relationship, and I honestly think it would be irresponsible to NOT re-evaluate if you're having these concerns. They're not things that can be just pushed aside and it is entirely okay to re-evaluate this far into the relationship. If he is about to move for you, though, I think (other posters may disagree) that he has a right to know.
I personally think it's easier to re-establish the in-person relationship before even thinking about the wedding. In my experience, there's never a "perfect" fit and differences can be a good thing as long as they are the right sort of differences and both partners are willing to recognize them and work towards accomodating eachother.
Like I said I would say more, but I am literally falling asleep. Please do not feel like you are a traitor, you are being so true to him just by making sure this is entirely right for you. It would be no good to him if you were unhappy in the relationship because you had had a chance to re-evaluate but didn't take it. He wouldn't want you unhappy.
ETA: also don't let it come down to FI vs. Other Guy. There's always a chance for there to be an Other Guy, there's always a chance to meet someone who may seem like a better fit than FI. You're right to be angry at him. Judge FI on his own merit and whether you think you two are truly compatible, even if there were no other guys on the planet...would you be with him because he makes you truly happy or because you don't want to be alone and there are no other guys on the planet?
"i love him but I'm scared that planning our wedding and starting our life together won't be enough to sustain day-to-day unhappiness and loneliness from leaving his old job and city."
It won't be, but that's not necessarily bad. Do you think that he is the type to not take responsibility for his own happiness? Like is he going to not make an effort to make friends, find satisfying job/hobbies, etc, and throw it in your face that he moved? Unless that's the case, I would say what you are facing now is a pretty normal challenge.
Don't even consider what your friend thinks or says about your relationship. He has his own agenda. And if you started a relationship with him, you'd run up against challenges too.
@laurelina: Thank you! And thank you HappierKate. I really appreciate both yall's thoughts. It is more of a "I need to just evaluate our compatability" calmly situation. I think he will take it on himself to work hard and find a new job for himself when we get to new city, but it's just so scary to see someone you love give up something that means a lot to them. It makes things real in a way even the engagement hasn't yet really, in a weird way.
I know how you feel. DH and I were apart for four months at the beginning of our marriage (weird I know) because he was starting law school 12 hours away. I supported this but wanted to finish my own degree before we moved. It wasn't awful being apart or anything but not fun either and right before I moved up he came back for the holidays. We weren't getting along very well at first and it took like almost a week to get back in sync. During that week I was just consumed with this fear that I would move across the country with some guy I can't even connect with and have nothing in common with (so not true but i'm dramatic sometimes :)) In reality he's my best friend and we get along great most of the time. He was having an issue with his drug addict mother at the moment so he was a little cranky. I was freaking out and terrified that I would be miserable in the new city because he was acting weird and we felt disconnected. But as the person that gave up everything I know and love only a few weeks ago I really have learned a lot about myself and have made new friends quickly. DH and I are closer than ever and having a blast. I haven't found a job yet, but I will and everything will be just fine. I think its normal to freak out about something like this right before it happens. Try to focus on the good things about your FI and what made you fall in love in the first place... Not the minor issues and differences you have. And as for the other guy, just because he makes a good best friend doesn't mean he's necessarily make a good husband.
I dont envy you, that is for sure - I know what it is like to have thoughts go around and around in your head but not get an 'answer'
My two cents, I think you need to take the other guy out of the equation. You can't make a decision about your future with your fiance with him as a factor.
Can you try to use your imagination and think about how you would feel if you do leave your fiance - put your self through the thoughts and set the scene and then make a note of how you feel. Are you relived? Upset? perhaps you can catch yourself off guard.
It's only natural to question the relationship at this stage, but you are not responsible for his happiness. He is a grown man, making decisions for himself and he will take responsibility for himself.
I picked up a little bit of superiority in your message (hopefully that doesn't offend you sorry) but it seems like you consider yourself more intellectual than him and you want him to be as successful as he can be (and perhaps as successful as you will be) but what if he doesn't want that? Street smarts is very different to book smarts, but not necessarily inferior.
Dont be too hard on yourself - you won't necessarily get an answer tonight, or this week so give yourself some time to sort through all the thoughts and feelings in your head.
@nzbride: My two cents, I think you need to take the other guy out of the equation. You can't make a decision about your future with your fiance with him as a factor.
I agree with this.
If there is any doubt in your mind regarding you FI, it needs to be addressed now.
I would also add that I don't believe love is everything. I loved my ex but I made the tough decision to leave, I believe we're both better off for it.
Sorry, I can't be more coherent, need to leave the house in a bit.
Best of luck
@southernsis7: I agree with the others that you have to take this other guy out of the equation. Focus on the questions you have without his crap thrown in. He didn't have that right, but at the same time I think you should be careful with that friendship moving forward. It sounds as if some emotional boundaries have been crossed and you need to put up some boundaries to protect your relationship. Ask yourself how you would feel if your FI was having this same kind of relationship with another woman. I'd wager to say it'd make you uncomfortable? An important part of relationships, especially marriages or those leading up to them, is you have to keep appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex. You'll each have people in and out of your life who will challenge your relationship, but if you protect it and stick together, it will be sustained. Marriage and that commitment is a choice.
Okay, sorry with that rant, over with that! :) Really actually why I wanted to respond is because I'm sort of in your FIs position. I have a job and a city that I LOVE - my FI is in the military and stationed overseas. He's being relocated, and we're getting married and I'm moving with with. It is a sacrifice on my part but also a CHOICE. One that I had to make, alone, for the sake of our relationship. But I am willingly and happily making it. I may not be able to find the same type of work in our new city, but I am confident I will find something to feel proud and happy about. I am not holding my FI responsible for my happiness; that's my responsibility alone, and you have to trust in your FI that he is making this choice willingly and happily as well. It doesn't mean it isn't hard, lots of life's decisions are, but it sounds like being with you and your relationship is what he is choosing to committ to, and you should trust that and trust him to be happy and successful.
Good luck!
@nzbride: I agree with this. No offense, OP, but I picked up an air of superiority as well. Please lose the superiority complex and keep in mind, just because you have gone to school does not make you more deserving of respect than others. Street smarts and book smarts are very different in comparison to each other, but like nzbride said, The latter is not necessarily superior to the former. That said...
I agree with PPs. Take the other guy out of the equation. He's doing nothing but confusing you and you don't need that right now. Have you ever seen that guy as more than a friend until he said something? If not, then definitely lose him. If so...maybe you're right to question your relationship.
Personally, I would live with your FI and see how it goes. I always recommend living with the person before actually marrying them because I feel as though you don't REALLY know the person until you live together. I know you guys lived together before, but it sounds as though things have changed. So I would try it. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out and at least you put forth the effort for someone you seem to really love.
Good luck. <3
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Hi, all -
I feel like this site is a real chance for me to lay out my feelings anonymously and get some helpful feedback - your thoughts are so appreciated and I hardly know where to turn. When you are questioning the most serious relationship in your life, it's really hard to say it out loud to the people who love you most. I am worried that I am letting excitement over the wedding outshadow the importance of focusing on the marriage. SO here goes.
Basically, I have been engaged for several months to an amazing man (my age) I met 3.5 years ago. We lived together for almost a year while I worked in his city before I moved for grad school; my job was not stressful and we had a lot of time to spend together. He comes from a strong and healthy family, wants kids, loves family life, and loves me unconditionally. He loves my family and I love his, and we have the same religious beliefs. He doesn't have my educational background - even though he's street smart - but has been able to work in a fairly unique field for the last several years (the whole time we've been together). I am much more of a Type A personality, have been in grad school for the last 3 years. Finally, after 2.5 years of a (huge distance) LDR, we are about to be together, engaged, and move to a new city for my new job. He has already notified his job that he will not be returning, and is preparing to move (really, really far) to be with me. We have weathered the LDR with strength and perserverance, thousands of emails, tens of letters, incredible trips, etc. etc. And yet I can't help but wonder if our LDR hasn't allowed our relationship to remain in a sort of stasis that, now that it's coming to an end, has me worrying that we aren't as well-matched as it always seemed when I was (1) relaxed at my low-stress job and living near him and (2) on vacation because when you're in an LDR, your time together is like vacation time.
If I ever had these thoughts before, I was able to push them out of my mind. Now, they are coming up for several reasons: (1) we have had several very difficult conversations about his career prospects and willingness to return to school. This is stressful for me because I want to help him succeed in a new career, but I'm terrified he will never have the satisfaction he has in his current, unique job (which he is giving up for me). Unlike me, he's unhappy in school, and I'm just worried I"m leading him to a place that may make him unhappy, while I'm busy starting a new career. i love him but I'm scared that planning our wedding and starting our life together won't be enough to sustain day-to-day unhappiness and loneliness from leaving his old job and city. These tough conversations have brought up other little things - differences in senses of humor, ways we like to spend time - that have started worrying me more and more. Are these just things I never had the chance to notice in the LDR?
The second reasons is - during grad school I have become very, very close friends with a man in my program. We work together frequently, and it's clear he's my intellectual counterpoint, we have the same sense of humor, love the same activities, also have similar families, etc. He knows me better than anyone besides my FI and my own family. This week, he essentially told me that he is in love with me, wants to marry me, and even though nothing like that has ever happened between us, hopes I will have a long hard think about whether I am making the right decision. It is incredibly difficult to hear a great friend say this to me - I feel awful because I can't tell if his words are coming from a place of pure jealousy or if he sees something really wrong with my relationship with my FI. I can sense that my best friend is unwilling to criticize my Fi for fear of hurting my feelings and/or alienating me, but he probably feels that my FI is not "good enough" for me. He thinks I am thinking of "wedding" at the expense of "marriage."
Additionally, I feel racked with guilt for even having these feelings - or even considering what my friend said. Most girls would give their arm to have a FI like mine - and I really love him. That's why I feel like such a traitor for even thinking - am I making the right decision? Do I just need to let him move here and see how it goes when we're living together and I'm working? Should I tell him how I'm starting to feel before he moves? Is it wrong to be having these thoughts this far into a serious relationship? I'm paralyzed by the idea of our relationship ending, but I'm also terrified that I might be embarking further down a relationship that may never have been the perfect fit if we'd been in the same place all along. I don't know! I feel like the luckiest and still the most confused person ever.
Help! Who should I talk to? What should I do? What questions should I ask myself? I am in complete thought-mode here, and all your help is appreciated.
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