- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
Ugh. This is the first time in 12.5 years that I am sleeping this bed without my golden next to me or right outside my door. FI and I moved about 3.5 hours away from our hometown about 2 months ago. Shortly after we moved, my dog got diagnosed with metastatic cancer. I came back about a week after we moved so I could spend time with her, not knowing how long it would be. That was in the beginning of September. She seemed like she was really doing well, but then by the time I came back for our engagement party on Oct 5, she had taken a really bad turn. A week later (two weeks ago) she really went downhill overnight, and my parents made the decision to let her go.
I knew it was coming, but I was devastated. I stuggled (and continue to struggle) with depression and axiety as a teenager, and this dog was my strength through it all. It killed me that I was not able to be home when she passed, but I wouldn’t have made it back in time anyway, so I stayed with FI and bawled for hours.
Fast forward to tonight, we came back to our hometown for our engagement shoot this weekend. I knew it would be hard to come back, but I thought I had gotten over the major grieving hurdles. Boy was I wrong. We pulled up my driveway, and I saw the mound of dirt where she is buried. It was like a punch in the gut. Then I walked inside, and our other dog greeted me with all the excitement I have been accustomed to, but for the first time since I first left for college (have since graduated, so 4 years), my baby wasn’t there to welcome me home. Her food and water bowls are still in the kitchen (my parents haven’t had the heart to move them, and I don’t blame them), and her collar is on the mantle. I pretty much lost it for 10 minutes.
FI kept saying he would stay with me, but I calmed down and insisted he go see his parents. Plus, my bed is too small to share comfortably. I thought I would calm down and be ok, but I just can’t sleep. I really regret telling him to go to his parent’s house, but now it’s too late (he’s like a hibernating bear when he sleeps, nothing can wake him but somebody physically shaking or his blaring alarm clock right next to his head). Definitely going to have him stay tomorrow and saturday nights, though.
I don’t really know why I wanted to write on here, I guess it just gives me something to do while my mind races and my heart breaks more and more. Thanks for reading my blubbery mess, and if any of you have doggies up at the rainbow bridge, pray to them and let them know that the beautiful deep red golden named Amber would make a really great friend.