First Time Poster – Waiting….I think?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

It bugs me that his excuses for not committing sooner all revolved around “In case we broke up”.  That doesn’t sound like a truly committed man to me.

I have no doubt he has his tender moments, but he’s signaling pretty clearly that he can’t be there for you on the big stuff.

There are men in the world who would stand by you through your health issues & gladly commit to you.  My dh is that type of man.  It’s one of the things I love best about him.

It sounds as if your bf just can’t give you the committment you need.  The question is, are you willing to continue to invest in him, knowing that?

Post # 3
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Robynn:  I’m not sensing that he doesn’t have a lot of faith in your relationship. It’s almost like he’s just biding his time until you break up, and he won’t make a commitment because he doesn’t see this going long-term. 

He flat-out told you that he doesn’t plan to marry you due to your health issues. Since you can’t predict if or when those health problems would subside, realize that there is a chance that he will never want to marry you. I would sit him down and ask what he meant by “in sickness and in health”, and whether he sees himself spending the rest of his life with you if these problems persist.

Post # 4
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

Robynn:  Before you tell me that I don’t understand anything. I read what your diagnoses are, and I can relate. I have dropped out of a similarly intense university course (twice) and I am au fait with the LDR struggle.

It disturbs me that at every point in your life he sees a reason to not commit (trying to get into law school, during law school, after law school…) even before you were sick. That doesn’t sound like a keeper, it sounds like he is afraid of commitment, and he is a bit old to be like that now. Life isn’t all smooth sailing and if he is waiting for the perfect time, he might be waiting forever (or he has already realised that, and isn’t doing that sort of waiting)

However, it sounds like the current situation is far from being inconvenient for him, so he has little incentive to make a decision one way or the other in the near future. You can bet your cute little behind he is feeling pretty damn secure, because chronically ill people usually ‘need’ their partners more than their partners ‘need’ them. He could even be waiting for the right time to break things off. He may just be hanging around until you are well enough that he doesn’t look bad. Having been dumped, in hospital, I can tell you that it does look bad >.>

Last year was not a good year for me, I had to stop school because of my illness (which sounds very similar to yours, for which I am sorry, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone), move back to my home state, move in with my LD partner (of about 2.5 years, at that time) and generally spent the next six months crying in our bedroom. We bought a kitten (and then another one, it’s unleashed his inner ‘cat lady’), got engaged on Dec 24 and have ‘set a date’ since. When everything in my life basically went to shit he didn’t pull away, he stepped-up “challenge accepted”.

Sometimes he jokes that he’s investing at the ground floor, when my ‘stock is lowest’, but in general we’re pretty good and I don’t think our relationship would be much better if I were well. It would be different, I would be happier…but the relationship is rock solid. I am telling you this story only so you know that these situations play out differently, depending on the relationship and partners involved.

You have great self awareness in your reflection of being unsure if your attitude would be different to his if the roles were reversed, I don’t know if I would be the way my partner is, but I hope I could be. That is all conjecture however and the current situation is real. Do what is right for you but don’t be so understanding that you sell yourself short. Your earning potential has possibly changed in the short-medium term, if not the long term, but that does not mean that you have lost your value and do not deserve love, respect and the same amount of consideration as you did before you got sick! You are still ultimately THAT person, however much you don’t feel like it now. I wish you all the best.

Post # 5
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Robynn:  This was really long but I got the idea. I’m going to agree with the others and probably tell you what you don’t want to hear. This doesn’t sound like the guy I’d want anyone I care about to waste their time on. Seriously. If my sister or best friend came to me with what you just wrote I’d tell them to run. Yea, you’re day to day life may be good but that’s because HE has it good. He has no reason to break up with you because you make his existence easier. But at the same time he knows he doesnt want to marry you. He has told you so multiple times with multiple excuses (your being sick the worst of them all).

I think you should look into individual therapy to get your self esteem in check and to brighten your disposition in general. Then (or before) you should dump this loser before he breaks your heart).  You answered your own questions in here, you just can’t see it because you’re too involved in the situation. Everytime you posed any doubt you immediately came to his defense. You are trying to justify his behavior when you know deep down it isn’t right. You know you should leave, you are just afraid. There is nothing wrong with that. You just need to get the strength to see this for what it is. Don’t let him string you along for his benefit. You are SO MUCH BETTER than that!

Post # 7
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

Robynn:  Hi Robynn, I am glad you’ve found this helpful. I would just like to add that, when I said – 

“You can bet your cute little behind he is feeling pretty damn secure, because chronically ill people usually ‘need’ their partners more than their partners ‘need’ them.”

I didn’t mean that it was true, only that he would likely see your relationship as such. Perhaps if he understands that your expectations of him are unchanged, he might ‘lift’, but I suspect he is currently very comfortable in his perceived secure position of ‘the needed nice boyfriend’. Men are, in general, fundamentally lazy. Don’t let him give you less of himself than he should, I bet you’re not holding yourself back from the relationship, sick or otherwise.

Post # 8
246 posts
Helper bee

OP.  You wrote this: “He isn’t one of those jerky guys who ignores you when you cry – he puts his arms around you, he holds your hand, he snuggles close to you, he gets you tissues – EVEN if you are being a completely irrational, crazy, psycho, emotional wreck.”

This reminded me so so much of how I used to think about my ex.  How would I ever find a man who could tolerate all my psycho bullsh*t?

But then I woke up one day and realised, he had me all wrong.  He had made me *think* I was psycho/an emotional wreck/crazy etc., and that I should be so greatful for his patience.

Aw helllll no.  Girl, you’re smarter than that.  You are not psycho.  You’re not crazy.  He is sitting with you and comforting you, when you are getting upset over the total lack of reassurance he is giving you.  That is the problem; not your ‘psychoness’.  So don’t read so much in to him getting you tissues.  I’m sorry to be quite abrupt about it, but I have been there 100%. 

I thought my ex was some sort of a king for drying my tears all the damn time.  After we broke up, I realised he was a piece of sh*t for making me cry in the first place.  And it’s not from being an abusive a$$hole or anything like that.  What can make a smart, self-confident girl cry a lot in a relationship, is the fact that her boyfriend is not there backing her up, as much as she is used to backing herself up.

Dry your eyes honey, and I think you can do better than this guy.

Post # 9
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

Robynn:  I think your BF sounds like a great guy. He sounds like he tries his best to be there for you and be patient.

I just dont think he is ready for marriage. It sounds like even early on into the relationship, he was planning for a long dating phase and long enagagement – i mean he was looking at like 10 years before marriage, right?

I think even though you discussed having a shorter time, he is still holding on to it and using your school, LDR and health issues as the road blocks. Which doesn’t make him a bad guy, but he just needs to be honest about what he is feeling.

Post # 10
37 posts
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.  However, I don’t think staying with him because he has MOST of what you look for in a partner is the best idea.  You could meet someone tomorrow who values you and WANTS to marry you and still get married within 2-3 years if you break up with your current bf now.  Every day that you stay with him is another day you could be giving to the next person. And wouldn’t your mom want to see you happy and in love and know that you have someone who is willing to be there for you “in sickness and in health” for real? Life is too short to waste another second with someone who told you that they don’t want to marry you.  Get out there, find someone who has everything you want.  And then you’ll wonder why you ever settled for less.  Best of luck! 

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