- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
I have been lurking on the boards for a while, but have finally decided to write a post to seek some perspective from you bees who may have experienced something similar.
First, a little background information – I don’t want to say too much because I wouldn’t want someone I know to stumble upon this. My fiance and I have been together for many, many years (since we were very young). We got engaged last fall. We are now in the difficult situation of finding jobs in a city where jobs are few and job seekers are many. I’m confident that we’ll both find employment within a few months, but it has been a hard time for both of us. Our wedding plans are also stalled (we were initially planning for next summer) because we can’t find jobs and can’t stop fighting.
I love my fiance very much for many reasons. However, he has an anger problem – always has – and it is wearing me down. When we get into heated arguments, he says terrible things that I can’t forget. In the past, he has threatened to break up with me, actually broken up with me for a few days, threatened to call off our engagement, etc. It has become routine – we’ll get into an argument, he’ll blame me for his unhappiness and tell me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, only to take it back later and apologize. The apologies don’t work because he keeps repeating the same pattern of getting angry and saying terrible things. He doesn’t seem to have any control over his emotions.
A few months ago, he crossed a line and swore at me during a particularly bad fight. I have been very hurt with this behaviour, and decided to get individual counselling. I have been to about 6 or 7 sessions and it has helped me deal with and process things a little better. FI has also started counselling (only 1 session so far), and our goal is to get counselling together after we finish our individual sessions. We can’t seem to make progress on any of our “normal couple” issues because of his anger and inability to process emotions.
I find it hard to be there for him and support him through the personal issues that he is experiencing right now because I feel stung from being rejected and disrespected in fight after fight. I find it hard to open up to him again. I’m so hurt by his words and I know that I don’t deserve to hear any of it. There’s a lot more to our story but this is long enough as it is.
My question is: have any you been in a relationship/marriage where someone overcame a deeply hurtful behaviour that is ingrained? Did counselling help? How long did it take to see some improvement? Did he relapse?
Sorry that this is so long bees, I’m just so sad and wanted to know if anyone else has been through this and overcome it.