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hugs to you my dear because holy heck i have no idea what i would do. ugh! so crappy! my FI's aunt is a psycho as well. crazy people!!!
Sorry you are havin gto go through this. Maybe try talking to your FMIL to see what she thinks.
@noritake - apparently it is "not something that's talked about" so talking to FMIL is out.
@Kitty...since it's something not talked about...I would pretend to know nothing of the drama and invite the cousin anyway...LOL...but that's just me =)
UGH - I hate family drama. Even in seemingly normal families there is often that one person who stirs the pot maybe a little on occasion - but this sounds like she stirs everything up!!!
The last thing you want is for it to cause a fight between you and your FI. I would talk to him and have him explain a bit further about what drama could ensue by talking to the cousin. Try not to start a fight or add to the drama but just find out what the big deal is. If there's a reasonable explanation, then maybe it's good to stay clear. Like perhaps the cousin has issues as bad as the aunt and he's trying to protect you from that? Families are hard to understand.
If there's no real reason, I would still talk to whomever you want and be polite etc but I would keep in my mind what he's saying because he knows how the drama unfolds in his family. If you want to invite the cousin, do it, but I would forewarn FMIL and FI. I think you can explain it as - I want to extend the invite to everyone and make sure that it is inclusive of all family members. Just make sure you are including everyone else if this is what you're telling them.
Good luck!!!!!!
@Jamaica - I'm liking that logic!
I think I'm having the most trouble with the nature of this family dynamic because it is so 110% different than mine. In my family, for better or for worse, we tell it like it is. We are good old fashioned aggressive when stuff needs hashing out - no passiveness about it. So I don'tget how people can go YEARS and YEARS having this pretense of niceness when it's really just B.S. It's so foreign to me and I don't know how to deal with it.
Weird. I see two reasonable options: invite her anyway because you like her, she's family, and their politics sound ridiculous and shouldn't interfere with your normal life; OR talk to your FMIL to figure out what the fall-out could *possibly* be for her (more cattiness? sounds like she knows how to deal with that. potential disinheritance? maybe don't put her in that situation). If they're all just being silly, do your own thing. But make sure that's what it is first.
@Kitty...me either...we are a pretty blunt family as well. A feud that spans years without being confronted is unheard of in my family. I mean...we have siblings or what have you that we don't particularly like or agree with but they KNOW it...and everybody else knows it...and whatever story happens to be behind it =) It wouldn't sit well with me to have somebody dictate who I could talk to without there being a LOGICAL explanation other that "so and so might get mad and retaliate".
That is sad. Would it be possible to slowly start to change things? I am sorry. I am at a loss. I probably wouldn't want to marry into that family. From what you have stated, things seem like they would only get worse with time, unless someone steps in to start a change.
@jpatterson - thanks! I know i shouldn't have it cause any drama between me and FI, and it wasn't an out and out fight I was just sort of taken aback at the time and offended by it a little actually. I felt like he was telling me that I was "tainting" his cousin in his aunt's eyes and I got pretty pissed. The one thing he has since said to me regarding their family dynamic is that this Aunt has successfully kept her older children and their wives and families within a 10 mile radius of her house because they are all too scared of her to move any farther away, and she does everything in her power to keep the daughter from moving out of the house. She's just I guess totally crazy and overprotective to the point where it's damaging to her children. Her two sons don't speak to each other because of some sort of nonsense that she was in the middle of (of course). Anyway, the woman is major trouble.
I feel bad for my FMIL that she has to deal with her and I don't want to cause any problems for her but I am NOT good at going along with things I think are crazy and stupid, and this is both of those things.
OH and this is a good one - RE: the shower, I told FI well would it be so bad if I invited her if she was coming with her mom? It's not like I'm not inviting the aunt. And FI says - get this - that the aunt will get mad at FMIL if her daughter sees me having too much fun with my friends because we are all normal and don't still live at home and the aunt will be pissed that her daughter will be "exposed" to people the same age as her who, like, have lives. Mayor of Crazytown, I'm tellin you.
Ugghhh sounds like more than FI's aunt is crazy. Best of luck to you, family drama is always so frustrating.
That's not cool, so now everytime that you are with some of FI's family you have to follow the rules. EEk but as the saying goes "Marry him, you marry the family." I say just try to avoid the drama, if it's something as small as not inviting the cousin then I would just do that, but that may bring some drama of its own. Tough situation!
>>that the aunt will get mad at FMIL if her daughter sees me having too much fun with my friends because we are all normal and don't still live at home and the aunt will be pissed that her daughter will be "exposed" to people the same age as her who, like, have lives.<<
So you're supposed to sit there with your legs properly crossed living the life the aunt wants??? I say let her be mad at you if it means living your life! What more can be ruined?
Wow I just read your last post! So mommy dearest! That poor girl! She's like a caged bird, the aunt is crazy!
I know, the whole "Marry Him, Marry the Family" thing would be great if it was just his immediate family! They are so awesome and chill and get along great with my parents. Sigh. I guess nothing is ever that easy, right? LOL I know I'm totally gonna screw up at some point without even knowing it, but I'm not walking on eggshells for the rest of my life because this woman is a nutbar. Sorry but I'm not.
Oh, btw I just want to add that I'm not knocking anyone here in their 20s that may still live at home. I lived at home for a couple years after college to save money. A lot of people do it now. This is more twisted because the aunt wouldn't let her daughter go away to college, kept her living at home, etc. So when I said "normal people" in that last post, I meant people in their 20s who are allowed to make their own decisions, not specifically people who live at home.
Yikes, that much passive aggressiveness would make me nuts. I would just have to be my blunt self and get it all out in the open. For me, there is no such thing as "we don't talk about that". Good luck!
@ToasterCat - I feel the same way!
It's funny that for whatever reason the "Marry Me, Marry the Family" dynamic isn't swinging my way because if he's marrying my family this passive aggressiveness will not stand. Any bumps in the road between my mom and this aunt and you can be sure that the "we don't talk about it" approach is gonna get smashed.
And god forbid anyone gets me lingerie for my shower and the 26 year old girl sees it! Her mother probably makes her wear a chastity belt and keeps the keys locked up. I can't deal with this nonsense. It's really too much.
OH, and joy of joys, I get to see the Aunt tonight at Passover dinner. Great. Maybe I can say something completely benign that will turn into the apocalypse.
Whatttt?! That is soo odd to me! I don't even know what advice to give you! I swear the aunt must have fallen straight off the crazy bus because that just makes no sense! It's it a good thing if you get along with the girl? Her mother is nuts! Just be nice! That way you will never look like the bad person! But this situation is just out of control! If the family has such problems with eachother why do they still invite eachother to events?! NUTS!!
ohh kittyachi, i LOVE your honest perspective on CRAZY PPL who cause family drama over NOTHING.
i most certaintly would talk to your FMIL and ask her how she feels about the situation. maybe she's more fed up with it than you are? ... or if not, if it makes things way too awkward for her... then you can at least oblige the psycho aunt knowing that you've made your FMIL's easier (for the time being)!
my FMIL's family is really weird with tension between her bro/sis's... but i think my FMIL sort of adds to it too (being that she makes more of an effort with FFIL's bro/sis's and they're ALL From the same town).
anyway... who will ever know the ins and outs of crazy family members! good for you for standing your ground with FI and telling him that his aunt is NOT normal!
Wow that woman does sound super cray! I'm with one of the other PPs what kind of problems would it cause for you to talk to your FMIL, just ask her about it tell her you're concerned and don't understand maybe she can shed a different light than your FI?
@kittyachi That poor girl - the sad thing is that you could probably help her break away from the crazy lockdown that her mother has her in. CRAZY AUNTIE HAS BIG TIME ISSUES! Some women are super protective of their children and just can't stand to see them be independent. Though this almost sounds like a crazy cult like religious thing if she's worried about the rowdiness of the city gals, LOL. It sounds like there's more to the whole family drama than your FI might even know. I guess the important thing is that she isn't your mother, nor your mother in law to be, so you only have to deal with her on occasion.
@missjyc - I try to keep in perspective what is and is not crazy but sometimes I don't even know anymore LOL. Oh, and FI is well aware that his aunt is crazy and that the dynamic is ridiculous but he is used to is and resigned to it at this point.
@jpatterson - "the sad thing is that you could probably help her break away from the crazy lockdown that her mother has her in" = this is why FI doesn't want me to be friends with her because he knows this could happen and then crazy aunt will go off the deep end and somehow, in her crazy aunt mind, it will be FMIL's fault and not mine because FMIL "allowed" me into the family to "taint" her.
Absurd.
Can you say something to the aunt at Passover? Just something casual in passing like "Oh, I am just so excited for my shower! You and Cousin will be there right?" and see what excuse she comes up with. Sometimes people (particularly passive/agressive types) don't do well when put on the spot.
@Miss Root - It's not fully planned yet so I'm not supposed to say anything. That would have been a good one, though!
Okay, that's just nuts. I'm sorry! And it's too bad your FI is enabling it. Just pretend you never had that conversation!
Woah! Okay, this aunt is pushing your buttons. But it also sounds like you have a problem with FI, even though the root of the problem seems to be the aunt and/or family politics.
First of all, you shouldn't really decide who will be invited to your shower. It's up to your friends to throw it for you, and they get to decide based on the space and wedding guest list who makes the cut. So you can just take yourself completely out of that situation.
Second, yes, Aunt sounds totally nutz. She is sheltering her 26 yo daughter thinking she will never want to leave the nest? I mean, what's her problem, most normal parents want their children to leave as soon as possible and stop going back to grad school and getting 7 masters. And in what weird parallel universe are you not allowed to talk about your own life to people? It's not like you are some high class call girl clubbing it all throught the city, you actually set a good example. And the girl can decide for herself if she wants to move to NYC, no one can force her to stay or to go.
But it sounds like this is a problem with FI first and foremost. AS weird as his family is and as strange as a request not to hype up NYC living, you should probably oblige to appease him as it's his family. Yes, you are still your own woman and a strong individual, but you have to work as a team, especially when it comes to family issues. My FI isn't allowed to talk about eating, weight, body image, beauty or anything like that in front of my sister as she has a bad eating disorder. It sux for him b/c he's a really funny guy and makes jokes about celebrities all the time, but it sends my sister on an anoeriexic frenzy if she hears it.
Um you already nailed it:
"well then f**k all of you if you are going to act like children. We shoot straight in my family and I'm not playing your reindeer games. Don't invite me to some stupid f**king birthday party in the boonies if I'm not allowed to have a conversation with the birthday girl."
Lol. That was awesome, just keep repeating that. Christ, you're grown-ass women, I think you can talk about a variety of locales, even New York...gasp!
@moderndaisy - good point re: making concessions for FI's family issues. Your comment about your FI and your sister put that into better perspective so thanks.
Regarding the shower, OMG FAUX PAS CENTRAL my mom and FMIL are throwing it. BMs can't afford it on top of bachelorette and wedding expenses so we're doing it low-key at my mom's house and they asked me to make the guest list. Emily Post would be throwing up in her mouth right now I'm sure.
Seriously, everyone in that family needs to grow some balls and stand up to this women, especially her children!! If everyone stood up to her, she would have no choice but to get off the crazy throne or everyone would disown her.
Do what you want, and don't worry about what happens. It will all turn out, and maybe if you start rocking the boat, everyone else will follow suit. I say have extra extra fun at your shower and make sure to invite the cousin, she will probably be an easy convert. Damn, that shiz is crazy, I could not deal with that!!
My aunt can be a psycho sometimes too! She definitely gave FI and I our fair share of crazy when we first started dating. So rude and insulting... couldn't believe some of the things she said!
Anyway, she has definitely calmed down now so I hope the best for you as well!
Wow, here I thought my FI's aunt was crazy! She's just super OCD and prude, lol.
I hope the best for you, luckily you got the good part of those genes!
I have to say, I know some friends whose parents are "overbearing." It's a tough situation to be in. I would invite them both, separately probably.
Mmmmkay ladies - off to Passover fun time. Everyone cross fingers that Auntie Crazypants keeps herself in check because FI and I are moving in three days and I have a million things to do and I may just seriously snap.
LOL omg you and i should be best friends! that all sounds like stuff i'd say if i was in your situation. i'm glad you kept talking to her and said skrew the aunt. i would invite the cousin SHE IS 26 YEARS OLD FOR GODS SAKE not 16! lol Her mom can't do sh*t about it and even if she tries she is the one who looks ridiculous not you or anyone else.
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I adore my FMIL. Sometimes I like her better than my own mother. But I'm starting to have mad issues with FI's aunt. It's his dad's brother's wife and apparently there is a longstanding passive aggressive feud between the aunt and FMIL. The aunt has three kids - two sons who are both married with kids and a daughter a year or so younger than me who lives at home still. Aunt has always apparently held it over FMIL's head that she has grandkids and married sons and blah blah blah - petty s**t like that. It's stupid. So now FMIL is excited, not just because she loves me but because it's finally her turn to get to host some events. Anyway, Aunt had a party for my FI's (girl) cousin's birthday at their house and FMIL really wanted us to come so I said fine. Turns out I really like FI's cousin. I was talking to her for a while about living in NYC and she was asking me questions and it was all good and she's fun and sweet and I like her. You'd think that was a good thing, right?
WRONG. FI comes over to me after a while and he's like I need to talk to you. OK. So we go outside and I'm like "I really like your cousin" and he goes YOU CAN'T TALK TO MY COUSIN ANYMORE. Ummm WTF, right? Apparently if I speak to his twenty-something year old cousin about living in NYC, his Aunt is going to get upset because she shelters her children and if I somehow say something that makes this girl want to leave home (SHE'S 26), then somehow Aunt will take it out on FMIL. I basically told FI that I will speak to whomever I please about whatever I please. It's not like I was like HEY YOU CAN SCORE SOME AWESOME DRUGS HERE I was just talking about restaurants and stuff. So bizarre. But FI made it into this thing and was like "you don't understand the family politics so just do what I tell you to do" and I basically said "well then f**k all of you if you are going to act like children. We shoot straight in my family and I'm not playing your reindeer games. Don't invite me to some stupid f**king birthday party in the boonies if I'm not allowed to have a conversation with the birthday girl."
Apparently I'm not allowed to invite her to my shower now either, but I HAVE to invite the Aunt. I've got a good mind to invite the cousin and not her psycho b*tch mother. I mean, I would just proceed to do exactly what I want to do but I love FMIL too much and if, as FI says, it will come back to bite FMIL in the a** then I don't want to cause problems for her, but like seriously - WTF?
How would you deal with these crazy people?