Weddingbee boards

He just got home. He threw a bra at me, told me that at the bar it was someone's bachelorette party and that he "bit penis candies off her tits" (his words). Im angry at him and, while he's passed out hard in our bed, I'm wide awake at 4 a.m.

There were no strippers for the bachelor party but I'd almost rather he had had strippers instead. I'm sure it was all "in good fun" but I'm still angry. I didn't go sticking my head in men's crotches at my bachelorette party.

Ive been dreading his bachelor party since we got engaged. I'm seriously thee most self-conscious person on earth. For example, I know every man looks at porn. I've caught my FI looking countless times. And I KNOW I shouldn't be jealous because, let's be honest, even I look at porn alone sometimes (Tmi? lol) but in my deluded little head, all I Can think about is how I'm sure my FI would rather be with someone who looks like the tiny perfect girls in the porn he watches than with someone as ugly and huge as me. I've always had this self confidence issues. Always. There literally isn't a day that goes by where I think "ok, maybe I'm pretty" because I don't think I am.

PS. I just wanted to add that I KNOW the party couldve been worse/more wild and the rest of the night sounded pretty harmless (supper, drinks, bowling) but my insecurities take over and I cant help but be jealous.

There's other issues rooted in my insecurity...like, how we've had sex ONCE since October 2009. My FI was in a car accident and paralyzed in 2009 and while he's physically capable of having sex, he can't feel it so neither of us have really cared to initiate it. The first time we did it since his accident was on our 5 year anniversary last month. And we haven't touched each other since. :S This is my first time sharing this info publicly so it's kind of awkward/weird to share. Since he's gotten home from the hospital (last March), he's probably only touched me/played with me (below the belt) a handful of times. It just makes me feel like an ugly piece of shit. He knows that his lack of passion makes me feel that way but still, does nothing. He's not depressed by his condition but still, I get nothing. Our lack of sex life has basically become a running joke for us. I'll say, longingly... "remember when we used to have sex?" Hah

Anyway. That's heavily off topic. But I thought some extra foresight into the mechanics of our relationship might help.

@Leahhh: The thing is, I've told him all he needs to know about my insecurities. And also, with the no sex thing, I'm sure we'd have it more if I initiated it but because I'm just constantly exhausted (due to the anti-depressants Im on) I have almost zero interest in sex all together. Now that I think of it, there have been nights when he'll try to touch me but I just roll over and go to bed. Like I have no energy for it. My doc did warn me that low sex drive could be a side effect of my meds as well.

As for the candy biting, I'm sure it was a penis candy necklace and he just bit the candies off her chest (whcih was clothed) but it still bothers me.

Oh my goodness, I feel for you. That would be awful. I agree with PP, couples counselling might be something to look at.

@xx_ambyrr_xx: We havent done any sort of counselling although my doctor said that it might be smart for me to go to deal with my disjointed-ness from life since his accident (basically, I feel like Im on autopilot all day everyday and my anxiety has obviously sky rocketed).

 I'm not sure how he'd feel about doing the counselling thing because his whole fam, who he is REALLY close too (TOO close to sometimes, I think) talks so freely about their use of "happy pills" (as they call it *eye roll*) that I think he'd feel embarrassed to admit to going to counselling. But I do agree that it might help. I'll swing the idea by him but I'm sure he'll shoot it down :(

You know how getting up and going to work every day sucks? And how going to the gym is sometimes impossible?

You're in control here.

Here are my thoughts.., if he or you are looking at porn, there are obviously some desires there. Yes, you have to initiate. You have to initiate to show him you still need him sexually. You have to initiate to remind him that sex isn't just the part he can't feel. There is SO much more to it.

I'm thinking that... maybe he couldn't feel you giving him a BJ but I'm pretty sure he could watch and I'm 100% sure he'd love it.

I know, this has nothing to do with the bachelor party thing but after I read your post, these are the things that stuck in my head.

First of all, I want to say that I'm sorry that you are feeling like this. Secondly, perhaps the candies were on a t-shirt and not directly on her boobies? Still bad, but not as bad. Not trying to justify what he did, and I think you need to talk to him about what exactly happened because he came home a little drunky and that's never a good time to discuss feelings.  Anyway, I second what a lot of people have said and I hope that you two take time, as a couple, to heal from his accident.  

ETA: Sorry, just saw your post where you said it was probably a necklace, so diregard that point in my post. I also wanted to reiterate the importance of counseling after a traumatic accident like it sounds like happened. I am a physical therapist who has worked a great deal with people who have had a traumatic brain injury and other neurological impairments and I am shocked that his doctors didn't mandate therapy. It is really important in the healing process, for him, you and any other caregivers. Anyway, I hope you guys can get through everything that is going on. 

Thank you to everyone who responded. I didnt expect so much support so it's REALLY appreciated.

The meds I'm on now are the 3rd ones I've been on since his accident. It's so frustrating to keep trying med after med to find the right one/the right dosage. What a pain! I seriously start to wonder if this isn't a mental thing but just some flaw in my personality. There are days when I go to bed not really even remembering what I did during the day. Scary. I don't feel like it's depression because I'm not debilitatingly (new word?) sad. I find joy in things in life. I just am on auto pilot.

I found out this morning (after staying up all night being mad at my FI for his party last night) that the candies were attached to a bra on the outside of the bachelorette's shirt so that's why he said he ate candies off her titties. But, of course, my insecurities basically made me believe that he was eating them off a naked hottie. I'm so dumb, I swear. And it wasn't his idea to eat the candies (he's REALLY shy) and everyone else (including his Dad, married friends and brother in law) also ate the candies. I just really overreacted. The hour of sleep I did get after his party was infiltrated with dreams of him cheating on me.

I posted my dilemma on a forum for paralyzed people and spouses of paralyzed people earlier this  morning (*cough* 4 a.m.) about the no-sex situation and someone pointed out that he could be refraining because of his ego. How men are supposed to always provide for the women, please the women, etc, etc. And how hes probably tentative about showing affection because he doesnt k now how to please me in his new body yet. And, when Ithink about it, after he was released from the hospital, he was ready for sex but I was the one holding back. Mostly because I always made sex about him before his accident. I loved pleasing him. I was definitely a giver! :p But now, I dont know how to please him. He wont let me kiss his neck (or anywhere besides his lips) because its ticklish and sensitive. I run out of options!

@lefeymw:

Do you want to go through 30 years of marriage feeling like you are not worth being touched? That is not healthy for you or the relationship. What if you do have kids? Do you want your kids to see that mommy has a low self-esteem and then they learn the same?

Thats so true. And we do have a child already, a 2.5 year old daughter. And as much as Ive tried to tone down the negative self talk, I always fail. I told myself that I NEED to start getting my confidence in check for my daughter because I grew up without parents telling me I was cute or smart or instilling any self-confidence in me at all and when I needed someone to tell me I was doing a good job, no one ever did. I blame the lack of self-esteem on my childhood, I really do. And its carried on into adulthood and it sucks. I dont want my daughter to grow up thinking shes useless. I tell her everyday that shes pretty and smart and funny so she grows up knowing these things instead of needing people to tell her. Thats part of my problem too. I NEED people to tell me that I'm  pretty or that I'm a hardworker or a good mother for me to even believe that it might be true. Bah. I think I probably do need counselling haha...

Well I agree with all the PPs about the need for some more communication between the 2 of you. I think PPs already covered that very well.

What I wanted to add is that you said that you are sure that your FI would rather be with some "tiny perfect" girl that he sees in porn or elsewhere. Well are you really sure? He is with YOU after all isn't he? If he wanted to be with a thin girl he would probably be with one.

Are you talking about the skinny girls that have no boobs or fake ones? And no curves and flat butts? I'm a skinny girl. There are good things and bad things about all body types. I have no celulite and a smaller stomach which is great but I also have no boobs. Sometimes I wish I were more voluptuous sometimes I'm really happy with the way I look.

Men use to prefer curvier more voluptious women even as recently as the 1950s and heavier prior to then. Men of other cultures such as Indian, Central asian and Arab men prefer women of a larger size. I think that the whole being skinny thing is all about what society says that a woman should look like and not about what men really want deep down. Just my opinion.

double post