Post # 1
He just got home. He threw a bra at me, told me that at the bar it was someone’s bachelorette party and that he “bit penis candies off her tits” (his words). Im angry at him and, while he’s passed out hard in our bed, I’m wide awake at 4 a.m.
There were no strippers for the bachelor party but I’d almost rather he had had strippers instead. I’m sure it was all “in good fun” but I’m still angry. I didn’t go sticking my head in men’s crotches at my bachelorette party.
Ive been dreading his bachelor party since we got engaged. I’m seriously thee most self-conscious person on earth. For example, I know every man looks at porn. I’ve caught my FI looking countless times. And I KNOW I shouldn’t be jealous because, let’s be honest, even I look at porn alone sometimes (Tmi? lol) but in my deluded little head, all I Can think about is how I’m sure my FI would rather be with someone who looks like the tiny perfect girls in the porn he watches than with someone as ugly and huge as me. I’ve always had this self confidence issues. Always. There literally isn’t a day that goes by where I think “ok, maybe I’m pretty” because I don’t think I am.
Post # 3
Oh… my god. I’m pretty sure SO would wake up with cheese-grated nerps if he came home and told me that…
Post # 4
PS. I just wanted to add that I KNOW the party couldve been worse/more wild and the rest of the night sounded pretty harmless (supper, drinks, bowling) but my insecurities take over and I cant help but be jealous.
There’s other issues rooted in my insecurity…like, how we’ve had sex ONCE since October 2009. My FI was in a car accident and paralyzed in 2009 and while he’s physically capable of having sex, he can’t feel it so neither of us have really cared to initiate it. The first time we did it since his accident was on our 5 year anniversary last month. And we haven’t touched each other since. :S This is my first time sharing this info publicly so it’s kind of awkward/weird to share. Since he’s gotten home from the hospital (last March), he’s probably only touched me/played with me (below the belt) a handful of times. It just makes me feel like an ugly piece of shit. He knows that his lack of passion makes me feel that way but still, does nothing. He’s not depressed by his condition but still, I get nothing. Our lack of sex life has basically become a running joke for us. I’ll say, longingly… “remember when we used to have sex?” Hah
Anyway. That’s heavily off topic. But I thought some extra foresight into the mechanics of our relationship might help.
Post # 5
I think you guys just need to communicate better about this. Maybe couples counselling would be helpful.. especially because eating candies off another girl’s breasts is TOTALLY over the line and disrespectful.
Post # 6
@Mrs. Puffin: The thing is, I’ve told him all he needs to know about my insecurities. And also, with the no sex thing, I’m sure we’d have it more if I initiated it but because I’m just constantly exhausted (due to the anti-depressants Im on) I have almost zero interest in sex all together. Now that I think of it, there have been nights when he’ll try to touch me but I just roll over and go to bed. Like I have no energy for it. My doc did warn me that low sex drive could be a side effect of my meds as well.
As for the candy biting, I’m sure it was a penis candy necklace and he just bit the candies off her chest (whcih was clothed) but it still bothers me.
Post # 7
Oh my goodness, I feel for you. That would be awful. I agree with PP, couples counselling might be something to look at.
Post # 8
Has your FI sought counselling on his own since the accident??
Is it possible that the lack of sexy-times is a result of some of his insecurities? I imagine that being through a life-changing event like that has a huge impact on his confidence. He’s not initiating because of his insecurities… then you feel rejected, which makes you not initiate… and the cycle perpetuates itself.
I agree with the other bees that counselling would be a great help.
Post # 9
@xx_ambyrr_xx: We havent done any sort of counselling although my doctor said that it might be smart for me to go to deal with my disjointed-ness from life since his accident (basically, I feel like Im on autopilot all day everyday and my anxiety has obviously sky rocketed).
I’m not sure how he’d feel about doing the counselling thing because his whole fam, who he is REALLY close too (TOO close to sometimes, I think) talks so freely about their use of “happy pills” (as they call it *eye roll*) that I think he’d feel embarrassed to admit to going to counselling. But I do agree that it might help. I’ll swing the idea by him but I’m sure he’ll shoot it down 🙁
Post # 10
I am so sorry. Don’t feel like it could have been worse – because what happened was bad enough for you! You can’t always compare to other people – sometimes we’re allowed to just not be happy with whatever’s thrown at us. FI’s bach was last night, too, and I still don’t know what happened. I only know that they took his phone when I texted him to ask if he was sleeping home or not (so I could lock up the damn house!). I never knew if he was coming home, so I locked up. Turns out he did, in the pouring rain, and had to break into the house because they never gave his phone back (and then he couldn’t call me to ask me to let him in).
Anyway..sorry to thread-jack, lol. Its just way too fresh and annoying. But have you talked to your doctor about switching medications? I was on fluoxetine (generic Prozac) and felt like you – tired, no interest. But sometimes there are other brands that might have different side-effects for you.
Additionally, as a soon to be licensed couple & family therapist, you would not believe the amount of people in therapy. Normal people, too! If you think he’ll be resistant, maybe say that you feel like you want someone to talk to and would like him to be there/like his support/etc. A lot of women get their men in that way – men are typically very resistant to counseling sessions. Once he’s in, it’s much easier to include him in conversation.
Hope you feel better as the day goes on. Has he mentioned anything since waking up?
Post # 11
@ChantelleyLace: I’m so sorry girl 🙁 seriously, that was a dick move on his part to come home to you and say that. Did he want to make you jealous?? And I’m sorry about the no sex deal–some couples counseling sounds much needed…
I understand what you mean about self confidence issues I’m starting to change from being that person into feeling more beautiful about who I am. Yes, I’m not tiny. No, I don’t have big boobs. But its so important to start loving who you are. Life will only get better once you start to realize what a great person you actually are. That means you need to be a little conceted at times! You need to make yourself feel great in any way you can. Actually, the bee has made me feel really great about who I am and I don’t think I would have started to change without being on the boards.
Post # 12
I think, as others have said, that the issue is not his behavior (well it might be a symptom of it) but something much deeper.
This is your life together to share. If its not great now, its not going to get better- only harder.
Before you get married you have strong influece and I would use it. I, honestly, would tell him that you want couples and individual counseling before you get married. And stick to it.
Its his choice to go, just like it is yours, but those decisions and both of your feelings and the events that have happened effect each other. Its the responsibility of each person to do the best for yourselves and your future relationship to make it work.
Do you want to go through 30 years of marriage feeling like you are not worth being touched? That is not healthy for you or the relationship. What if you do have kids? Do you want your kids to see that mommy has a low self-esteem and then they learn the same?
Remember you are worth everything you want. But you cant expect it to show up one day. You have to work at it and that means getting help yourself and making sure your fiance gets help too.
Post # 13
You know how getting up and going to work every day sucks? And how going to the gym is sometimes impossible?
You’re in control here.
Here are my thoughts.., if he or you are looking at porn, there are obviously some desires there. Yes, you have to initiate. You have to initiate to show him you still need him sexually. You have to initiate to remind him that sex isn’t just the part he can’t feel. There is SO much more to it.
I’m thinking that… maybe he couldn’t feel you giving him a BJ but I’m pretty sure he could watch and I’m 100% sure he’d love it.
I know, this has nothing to do with the bachelor party thing but after I read your post, these are the things that stuck in my head.
Post # 14
First of all, I want to say that I’m sorry that you are feeling like this. Secondly, perhaps the candies were on a t-shirt and not directly on her boobies? Still bad, but not as bad. Not trying to justify what he did, and I think you need to talk to him about what exactly happened because he came home a little drunky and that’s never a good time to discuss feelings. Anyway, I second what a lot of people have said and I hope that you two take time, as a couple, to heal from his accident.
ETA: Sorry, just saw your post where you said it was probably a necklace, so diregard that point in my post. I also wanted to reiterate the importance of counseling after a traumatic accident like it sounds like happened. I am a physical therapist who has worked a great deal with people who have had a traumatic brain injury and other neurological impairments and I am shocked that his doctors didn’t mandate therapy. It is really important in the healing process, for him, you and any other caregivers. Anyway, I hope you guys can get through everything that is going on.
Post # 15
@lefeymw: Do you want to go through 30 years of marriage feeling like you are not worth being touched?
OP, I strongly, strongly encourage you to pursue counseling – alone if your FI won’t go – to explore these feelings before going through with marriage.
Sex is an important part of life, not just relationships. I can’t imagine going years without feeling desireable, or habing my desires smothered by someone else. You deserve pleasure and intimacy in your marriage, and your FI needs to work with you to bring sex back to your relationship before you make a lifetime commitment.
Post # 16
@ChantelleyLace: I agree with SFreeman2187‘s post and feel that clearly there is some desire coursing through you and your FI, but it seems misdirected toward porn or candie necklaces. If you could put that energy towards each other, that would be grand.
Any chance of you taking different meds? I definitely feel couples counseling would work wonders, as well as counseling for yourself individually. Often, counseling acts as a med itself, helping to further your growth away from tablets and whatnot, or at least, helping to work with the meds hand in hand. You might even try small ways of being good to yourself each day – a walk in a garden, tea and a book, little things to pick up your spirits each day.
Good luck to you both.