Post # 1
I guess I’m looking for some advice, since I’ve never dealt with a situation like this before.. my FI’s best friend passed away last night.
They’ve known each other for like 8 years, but didn’t have much contact in the last couple of months. His friend distanced himself from my Fiance when we moved in together at the end of last year. They always had periods of less contact in their friendship, but we still met up from time to time. He had episodes of psychosis and substance abuse in the past, he couldn’t find a job and had his parents pay his expenses when he moved out a couple of months ago.
Two days ago, his father called Fiance to ask whether we’d seen him or knew where he was. He disappeared from time to time, only to show up 3 days later like nothing was wrong. This morning they found him at the bottom of his stairs, dead. I don’t know any details, but Fiance believes it might have been suicide. His father told us this morning.
I can’t believe what is going on, bees. The last time I saw him, we celebrated his 26th birthday with his mom, because his parents thought we were his only decent friends. I don’t know, I guess I thought he would’ve called us if it was really bad. I knew he had problems, possibly depression, but I thought his parents kept a close eye on him.. I don’t know. I mean, there’s nothing we can do now, anyway. Fiance is just sitting in his room, watching Futurama. He called a couple of friends they had in common, I asked him if he wanted to meet up with them, he said no. I’ve only ever lost older people, or people I wasn’t that close to.. I can’t imagine losing one of my friends who are my age. I mean, I wasn’t even that close with him and I’m so shocked at his whole situation. I don’t know if there’s something I can do for anyone, bees. For my Fiance, for the family of our friend.. I don’t know.
Post # 3
@maymorganite: I’m so, so sorry for your fiance’s loss. It is an extremely tough situation losing someone so young, especially in the case of a suicide. One of my family friends committed suicide at 28. He had a young son and while he struggled with some issues, he gave no warning signs that things were so bad. His death was a shock to everyone. The last memory I have of him is laughing together when we were best man and maid of honor in my cousin’s wedding. That’s the image I hold onto when I look back.
The best thing you can do right now is be supportive of your fiance while he is dealing with his grief. Give him space if he needs it, be a shoulder to cry on if he needs it. Grief is a really complicated, messy process, and what he needs may change from day to day. I would just focus on being as supportive as you can. That’s all anyone can really ask for in a time like this.
Post # 4
Honestly, I wish I had advice to give you. I can only express my sympathy. That is such a tough situation. It sounds like the reality has not set in for your Fiance yet. When my Fiance lost his aunt that helped raise him, he was like that for a little while until it actually hit him, and then all I could do was hold him when he needed me. I’m truly sorry for your loss.
Post # 5
I am so sorry. Just be there. A lot of times in moments like this, nothing you can say will make anyone feel better. I would suggest just focusing on practical needs with your Fiance. It is hard to even think right now, so if you can help by making sure he has food, even that will be a big help. It is just one less thing to think about while he is wrapping his brain around this. God bless.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
All you can do is be there.
It’s not really all that similar of a situation in the details, but my Fiance and I met about 2 weeks before my dad died– we had only hung out a few times (maybe 3 or 4?) before it happened. It was completely unexpected, and it was really hard on my whole family.
For my Fiance and I, this was one of the reasons we got as close as we did as fast as we did; for me– since he had never met my dad, I didn’t feel like I “had” to talk about it to him, and he never asked. But when I did want to talk about it, he was there to listen. Mostly he was just there for me. And in the end, it made us stronger as a couple.
That is my recommendation to you, instead of looking for something you can do to make it easier, or anything– just be there. If he wants to talk, listen. If not, then that’s ok too. It took me 3 months from when my dad died to finally process all of my emotions, so just give him time and he’ll process things when he’s ready.
Post # 7
Thank you for your replies, advice and sympathy. I’m sorry for all who had to go through a similar or worse situation. My Fiance talked a bit more with his friends and they may meet up tonight. I’ll just try my best to be supportive, I just messaged his friends sister and I hope I can talk to the mother soon. She’s such a sweet lady, I can’t imagine what she’s feeling right now..
Post # 8
Like PP said just be there for him. Listen and comfort when you can. When my ex-BIL passed away not too long ago (he was 35 and a huge presence in my life for so long) I was devastated. I had grandparents pass but none of them had quite the impact that this death did. I cried for hours alone, with my husband, on the couch in front of my husband. He was amazing – he just said things when he could, didn’t say anything when he knew I was just getting it out and hugged me when i needed it most. Everyone deals with grief differently but I cried off and on for weeks following his death and I was so glad my husband was there for me when I just needed to talk or cry it out. We would be discussing one thing then all of a sudden I would burst into tears and just need to get it out.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. There isn’t much you can really do except be there in whatever way he needs you to be.
Post # 9
@totheislnds: Thank you very much for sharing your story, I’m so sorry for your loss. I really admire your husband for being there for you, I hope I can o the same for my Fiance. He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t cry and rarely shows sadness, I’m just scared that I’m not going to be able to read what he needs and that he’ll just try to “tough it out” on his own.. he says he’s still in shock, and I guess it’ll take a bit for him to realise what happened. I don’t even know if I realised it yet. I’m terrified of the funeral.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry for what you and your Fiance are going through. My FI’s best friend passed away in March. He had a rare blood disease and passed within months of being diagnosed. As everyone is saying, just be there. He’s going to have his moments. My Fiance has a particularly hard time when we discuss the bridal party, since a very important person won’t be there. All you can do is show him that you’ll be there to help him through this. I’m devastated because our friend was an amazing guy, but I try not to get upset around my guy so I don’t upset him. Just be strong for him, you guys will get through this.
Post # 11
@maymorganite: My sincere condolonces to everyone affected. It will be a difficult time, but you’ll all get through this.
Unfortunately I’ve lost a few young friends over the years, a couple have been to suicide and another to a car accident. It’s really hard to get your head around it. Be ready for questions from Fiance. It’s totally natural for friends and loved ones starting to ask “what if”. Listen to him, hold his hand and gently assure him that there isn’t anything he could have done different.
If you need to talk, PM me, I’ll be happy to listen (or read) to you. Stay strong.
Post # 12
Thank you again for your encouraging replies and sympathy.
Fiance and I went for a walk yesterday and he did go in the direction of “what if”, but brought himself back. It´s still very unreal for both of us, I hope we can talk to the parents soon and maybe talk about what exactly happened. I hope this can give us some closure and answers.