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Ack! I'm sorry this is happening to you. The whole situation seems very immature on the part of the cousins and their mom. It's kind of ridiculous how child-ish they're being. You are involving them all in the wedding, so they haven't been overlooked.
I wouldn't change anything. Leave everyone in the roles they're in and hopefully they can act like adults on your wedding day. I'm so sorry I can't be more helpful!
OK well you said it yourself - you're two weeks from the wedding. Nothing is changing now. Do you have printed programs or something like that that designate best man, groomsmen, etc. If you do then there's your excuse right there. If not, whatever, it is what it is and they will just have to deal with it. It's not like they aren't going to show or anything. Your FI is right - he shouldn't be bullied into changing his decision. It's his wedding, his best man, and his choice. His aunt needs to butt out. I mean seriously, how old are these people? Get over it.
Thanks, ottawabride. What's sad is that FI's mom kinda agrees with the aunt...
@kittyachi; That's the problem, the programs are not yet printed nor made. I am DIY-ing them so his mom is like, it's not set in stone or anything. It can still be changed. Arghhhhhh!
I can't believe people are fighting over this - wait let me rephrase this - I can't believe MEN are fighting over this. Seriously? Aren't the guys generally more laid back about this kind of thing? This really sucks that this is going this direction. My initial thought is that FI should stand up to these drama causing family members and tell them to suck it up, he made a choice, he's an adult and he didn't want to pick between family members. If he's not comfortable standing up to family and they are adamant that a cousin must be the best man, would his friend understand? He might be willing to step down to allow the drama to stop ??? Sometimes friends are more understanding than family in times like these. I hope it works out!!!
Well then can you just say "I bought only enough materials to make the amount we need, I've already started them and I do not have the time or energy to do them again." The fact that FI's mom, knowing you are DIYing the programs, would have the audacity to say that it's can be changed makes me almost madder at her than at the aunt! Can your FI tell his mom to get on his side with this? Jeez.
I kinda agree with the cousins, their mom, and FI's mom on this one. Your fiance should have picked the youngest cousin in the first place.
But he didn't and there's not much to do now. I think he should stick with the other friend as best man. I can't imagine having to tell the other friend he has been demoted. Another option is just to not have a best man (just all groomsmen), or list them all as best men. I've seen that done before.
Did he have a bachelor party? Did anyone actually fulfill and best man duties?
I agree with the other ladies... It seems ridiculous to be bullied. I think he should tell the cousin to put on his big boy panties, leave his mama out of it, and just be supportive in the way he's been asked to be supportive. It's ridiculous when adults act like this, and especially just a few weeks before the wedding! if it bothered them that badly they should've said something when the decision was made!
Good luck!
@Jacqi - Why? He asked a friend who he is really close with, not some stranger instead of a cousin.
Sheesh. Before I finished reading I was thinking just make them all Best Men. There is really no difference at this point. You can still make them stand behind like groomsmen. Haven't they known all along the friend would be the only Best Man? I'm suprised they are bringing it up now. If your FI wants to stand his ground that he won't be bullied then stand by his side. He's the one that will have to deal with his family.
BUT since your FI said to ask us, I would just make them all, or at least the youngest cousin, a best man too. It's somewhat what he wanted in the first place.
@Ottawa- I think he should have asked the youngest cousin in the first place because that is who he originally wanted. It sounds like he allowed himself to be influenced by thinking the middle cousin would start a fight over that. So the friend was picked as best man to avoid conflict with the cousins. I could be wrong, but thats the impression I got from the OP.
I sort of agree with Talishazwi except I say take the opposite route and call them all groomsmen. period. no ranking. no best. just the guys he chose to stand up there with him. i mean, two weeks before the wedding it's not like they have a lot to do anyway, right? and then have your maid of honor hold both rings so they don't fight about that too. then possibly ask all of the cousins to write a group toast and take turns saying something?
just my initial thoughts...good luck!!
@Jacqi: You are correct. He initially wanted the youngest cousin to be the best man. But we all know for a fact (all the family, even FI's mom agrees) that if he did this, the middle cousin would start a fight. I think it will be drama like this, but with different circumstance. It wouldn't be "you chose your friend over your cousins" but it would be "you chose my younger brother over me".
@jpatterson: Demoting anybody is not an option right now. I guess it's more of adding another best man or sticking with FI's ground.
@ladyox: I kinda like your idea. It would be a big slap to their faces LOL! Except that the best man (FI's friend) is really great and has been planning his bachelor party already. He has been in contact with FI's cousins from out of state and convincing them to come earlier to LA so they could attend the bachelor party and stuff. He has been organizing it all this time. FI doesn't really want to tell his best man that he will be demoted because the best man is also super friends with the cousins. FI's family and best man's family are super close so he doesn't want this issue out in the open. He wants to keep it "within" the family as much as possible.
Stick with what you got. You shouldn't be bullied into this...it's ridiculous. If said aunt complains, say "Sorry you feel that way." And change the subject. I would be tempted to ignore phone calls.
Yikes... I agree with your FI - hold your ground. and let them know how immature they are being - next time it comes up, respond with something like, "I had no idea this would be so upsetting to you. We assumed that as our family, you would be happy to celebrate our wedding with us, rather than turning this into an adolescent catfight. Put away the rulers boys, this is about a wedding, and you should feel honored that we want to include you, not upset that you're not '#1'. Afterall, it's the GROOM's day, not the BEST MAN's."
FI should stick his ground and not be bullied in to changing his decision. How dare the aunt and cousin even comment about this. It's not their wedding and FI can choose who he wants. Sometimes people just feel entitled to something but they are wrong.
what does it really matter at this point? Someone to sign the license and stand first. It's really not the hiugest thing ever. Oh, we have three Best Men and three Matrons of Honor in ours, no 'picking one over the other' issues
Bottom line at 2 weeks away there's no time to be doing this stuff, not to mention it's a bit silly to be asking this when all the "best man duties" are said and done. The whole thing is really wrong to put you two in that position, very unfair. Why wasn't this brougt up when you guys set all this up in the first place?
Your FI should do what he wants to do- if that means sticking to his guns- then that's what he should do.
It sounds like the Aunt and cousins wanted to start drama. I'm sure they were somewhat hurt by being "passed over" but that's life. If your FI is close with his best man and his best man has been doing a good job- he should go back to his family and say, I decided on blah blah for best man and I am not changing my mind. I am sorry you are upset, but it was not personal. I chose someone who I was comfortable with and you guys can either support me or continue to fight but it's over with in my mind.
If you want to keep the peace, is there any way they could be regular groomsmen? Someone may have suggested that above.
To be fair it is as much as the groom's "day" as the bride. I feel that the groom sidestepped a fight in the first place so he chose a friend. It was not the younger cousin who emailed him angrily, it was the middle one. The one who the FI KNEW would start a stink so it seems that no matter what the FI does, the middle cousin would pitch a tantrum. The fiance should not be bullied because first off, it seems that the younger cousin who although voiced his opinion about not being best man it was the middle one who really had no place in this fight that he created. If it were between the younger cousin and the groom, fine, but it wasn't.Also,the fact that the cousins ran to "mommy" is pretty lame. The groom made his choice and the cousins should respect that, at least they are in the wedding afterall. Finally, what about the friend? He is as close to him as the cousins.
wow....may I ask how old these cousin's are? Sounds so terrible.
Keep it the way it is, it's YOUR and YOUR FIANCE'S wedding, not theirs!
The middle cousin is about 27, the youngest one is about 24. Yeah, they are not little kids anymore.
It sounds really immature and petty, but it's really stressing us all out.
Wow at that age they both need to grow the heck up and stop having their mommy speak for them! Your FI chose who he chose for a reason, does his aunt think of how rude it would be for your FI to demote the BM 2 weeks before the wedding? SUPER RUDE. All 3 of them have a part in your wedding so they all in my opinion need to stop complaining, if they don't like their roles then they don't need to participate. They'll regret missing out on the wedding festivities because they were petty about who stood closer to the groom. FI just needs to tell them no and grow up.
Wow, I honestly can't believe MEN... ok.... BOYS are whining about this! Personally, although the oldest cousin is "far" away, I still would have asked him. My MOH lives in Alaska.... I'm in Virginia.... She might as well be in Russia :-) I made that decision because the most important person I want standing next to me was her. I didn't care if she could throw parties or anything else, but the most honorable friends I have? Her. The end.
But, you're almost to W day... I would say you can either leave it as it is, or ask the oldest to be one... the family wins, but the whiners loose? Or, make it all of them, but that just seems silly to me that supposedly grown men are whining... to their MOM and your FI...
I was kind of in a similar situation when selecting my bridesmaids because I have two sisters and I just couldn't pick one of them to put infront of the other so I chose to have my other close friend as my MOH. My little sister was mad because she assumed she would be selected over my stepsister. But to me they are both just sisters so there is no way to say one is more important.
Either way it's completely rude for someone to argue about the decisions that have been made. It's your decision and nobody has the right to bully anyone into changing their mind. I stuck by my decision to have a friend as MOH and I honestly think your FI should do the same. He made a decision and obviously put a lot of thought into it so there's no reason to change it now. It's way too close to the wedding and I really don't think either of those cousins or FI's aunt deserve to get what they want after acting so childishly about it. It's your FI and your wedding day, not theirs and they should be ashamed of themselves for the way they have been behaving.
Thanks, ladies, for all your input. FI decided that he will stick with his decision. FI's mom is not thrilled but she will talk to the aunt today. I will keep you guys posted!
And FI decided to talk to his best man about the situation. He wanted him to know so that he won't be surprised that the two cousins may not participate in the bachelor activities or may be uncooperative or look unhappy during the wedding. The best man was so nice (but livid and disappointed at cousins, they are friends in the first place) and offered to step down if need be. FI said that he's sticking with him.
@KLP: FI didn't choose the oldest cousin because he is far, plus the aunt (again) said that he and his wife should be secondary sponsors (veil sponsors, it's a Filipino tradition) so that his wife would also have a role.
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Hello ladies! I need some serious advice (and FI actually told me over the weekend, "why don't you ask the weddingbee ladies?" LOL!)
Okay, I digress... Here's the situation: FI were roommates with his three cousins for about 8 years before we bought a house together. These three cousins are all siblings. FI was very close with the oldest one since they were kids as they were closest in age. He moved out of state couple of years ago and was voted out as the being the best man. FI felt that he really couldn't fulfill the necessary best man duties as he lives thousands of miles away with his new wife.
The second oldest cousin, FI is not particularly close with. They've always butted heads together.
The youngest one is closer with FI. He wanted to ask him to be his best man but knowing the middle cousin, he will be pissed (FI thinks that he might be pissed that the youngest one gets to be the bestman and not him, who is older).
FI decided to ask another friend, whom he is very close with, to be the best man and made the two younger cousins groomsmen so they will be in equal footing. The oldest cousin also has a role in the wedding, with his wife.
The drama started when FI's aunt and the cousins got upset that they were not chosen as best man. The middle cousin actually emailed (or was that a text message? I forgot) FI something like "who the hell is 'friend' for you to choose him over us?" The aunt has been telling FI's mom (who just flew in from abroad) that she's upset that her kids were overlooked. Uhhhmmm... I don't really know where to begin to process all this drama. I don't think she has the right to insist that one of her kids be the best man.
So FI told them the real reason... He wanted to ask the youngest brother to be the best man but he knew that the middle brother would be upset. Now, middle brother is claiming that it's okay as long as one of them gets to be the best man... And that FI should've asked his mom (meaning the aunt) if he has this issue of choosing the best man. Isn't this weird??? I feel like saying, "you shouldn't even be saying all this in the first place, it is uncalled for!!!!!!!"
Now, aunt is not talking to FI and everything is just weird. Help! FI asked me what I think... I told him, why don't we just make the youngest brother as the best man so he'll have two best men (I have more groomsmen than bridesmaids anyway)... But FI won't budge because he feels like he shouldn't even be bullied into changing his decision to keep the family peace... I agree with FI 100% but at what cost? This is stressing me out. We are two weeks away from the wedding and his family just springs this at us three weeks before the wedding.