(Closed) FI's family is ruining the wedding!!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

there there. sorry this is going on. families are a lot to deal with in a wedding. 

just curious, how come his dad is angry that the mom isn’t invited? aren’t they divorced? and im not telling you what i think should be done because i really don’t know. if it were me i would evaluate the possibility of having all his family there (including his mom) or nobody to come (maybe brother a if he doesnt get swayed by other family members)? i would see which i would rather have because it seems like these are the options. 

good luck!

Post # 5
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Mrs Hoot:  Listen – you guys made a good, but very controversial decision.  People aren’t going to like it, that’s a matter of fact.  There were obviously going to be consequences when you/he chose not to invite his mother.  Now, here’s the backlash.  I DO NOT disagree with your choice, if it were me, I would have done the exact same thing.  But, you knew full well that this would cause some friction.  Bottom line, this is your FI’s family.  Let him deal with it.  All you need to do, really the only obligation you have, is to support him.  You don’t have a responsibility to explain why.  You don’t have a responsibility to prove his mom is a complete jackass.  Not your problem.  You have a wedding to plan.  Let the bullshit and drama ensue WITH EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU.  Don’t get wrapped up in it, seriously.  You are doing yourself a disservice.

Post # 6
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Mrs Hoot:  FI says they just aren’t invited anymore because this hassel isn’t worth it.

Personally I do not agree with this, but just my opinion.  The way I would handle it, and the advice I think you should give your FI – “Dad, Brother – I’m sorry you don’t agree with my decision.  I hope you can come.  If not, that’s too bad.”

Done.  End of discussion.  No need to engage, no need to prove his point.  Just make the statement, and move on.  If they press the issue, HE has the power the end the conversation.  “Dad/Brother – I’m not going to discuss this any further.  I’ve made up my mind.  Again, I really hope you can come, but if this stands in the way of you attending, then I guess that’s that.”

Post # 8
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I have to say this…sorry your going through this…but family isnt necessarily your blood. Family is who you love and who loves you back. Family isnt about a blood bond or a familial bond. Its about those who support, listen and wish you the best. I would not have people at my wedding who didnt provide all those things.

Have who you want at your wedding and be damned to everyone else.

 

Post # 9
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Girl…. I know exactly know how you feel. Crazy future in-laws here too… FFIL is a narcissist along with FSIL and FBIL and FMIL defends them. Yeah, its great. They live in their own delusional world and this is the exact thing I’m worried about for the wedding because we’re not inviting FSIL and probably not FFIL either.

I really don’t know what advice to give you… you already know what you need to do – that just doesn’t make it any less anxiety-provoking and stressful. I just wanted to say that I get it.

I believe that family is very important, but there are lines that need to be drawn… a family that treats you poorly and abusively doesn’t deserve anything just because they’re blood related. Stand your ground and don’t give in. I think it would mean a lot to your FI if you just continue to reassure him.

I know, these things are hard to not get involved in because when you see people you love hurting you want to help and feel like you can do something about it.

I guess just think of it this way – no matter what, with families like this there is going to be some kind of drama involved with the wedding. Remind them that it would have been easier for you to just invite his mom and try to please everyone, but it did not sit with you or him well. So, you made the decision that was more difficult, but it was important to you because its YOUR day.

 

Post # 10
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Mrs Hoot:  So be there to support your FI.  Don’t get involved in the mix.  Trust me, I know, easier said than done.  I’m a lot like you.  I’ve jumped up and yelled and cursed and pounded my fists when my ILs treated my husband like dirt.  It does us (as a couple) NO GOOD.  Seriously, NO GOOD comes from you bad-mouthing your future ILs, from getting fired up.  I know in your mind you rationalize it as being supportive.  But in reality, you support your future husband by being his partner – you need to be the person who he comes to when he needs an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.  When we (wives) participate in the drama, what we’re really doing is exacerbating the issue.  We intensify the hurt feelings and promote the dissociation.  Look, I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m a pro at this.  It’s hard, I know.  I still catch myself sometimes.  And sometimes I think FUCK IT, they’re pissing me off and I want to piss and moan about it.  I am actively working on doing everything I’ve told you here.  So, it’s a process (I’m 8 years in and still chipping away, and still learning new things every day).

Regarding your second statement, whether or not to still extend an invite… that’s up to you guys.  If your FIL is acting like a jerk, then let your FI handle it how he sees fit.  If he wants to retract the invite, support him.  If he wants to reach out to his Dad, support him in that.

You and your FI will NEVER change his parents.  So what you need to do, is learn how to change your expectations of them.

Post # 12
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Mrs Hoot:  It’s this weird stalemate that no one is going to break.

If that’s the case, then someone (i.e. your fiance) should nut up and make the phone call.  “Dad – Brother A told me you were coming, but I want to confirm.  If you are still unsure, I need a definitive answer by X date.”  He should NOT bring up all the nonsense that’s going on.  If his Dad brings it up then your FI can simply say “I’m sorry you don’t agree with my choice, but this is not up for discussion.”

Just because his Dad is being a big fat baby (and jerk, and asshole, and prick) it does not mean that your fiance should get a free pass in acting like a child.  And please, don’t take offense, I think he made a very courageous and adult decision in ending the relationship with his Mom.  But, you guys need an answer here (are they coming or not?  are his brothers in the bridal party or not?).  And if they aren’t going to call him, he should be the adult in this situation and make the phone call.

If you are both concerned about them making a scene at the wedding, that’s something to seriously consider.  But, I think this falls to your fiance.  It’s his family, he needs to make the choice in whether or not he still wants them to attend.  And you can talk to him about your feelings and your concerns too, but please, do it tactfully.  If you need to vent about your ILs, do it here, don’t do it to him. 

Really, I feel bad you guys are in this situation, it’s really tricky.  Everyone’s emotions are running high, people’s expectations are out of whack.  No doubt about it, it’s a big challenge.  But you guys are going to married soon, and you have to band together and face this together.  Get strength from one another and forge onward.

Regardless of what happens, I wish you the best of luck and hope your wedding is everything you dreamed it would be!

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