Post # 1
I think this is one of those posts I have to word very carefully, haha.
FI & I are getting married next year and we live in a very expensive area, so this wedding is costing us quite a lot of money – which of course is entirely our choice. We made the decision early on to pay for everything ourselves.
My family has very kindly been contributing – mom bought dress, aunt paid for DJ, etc. I feel so grateful to them because my family has enormous financial struggles but they’ve really gone above and beyond to help us out.
My problem with FI’s family is more emotional I think. I have always felt like an outcast with them, and even FI feels like his family plays favorites to his older sister. It’s hurt us quite a bit over the years. Anyway, FI’s family contributed money to his sister’s wedding a few years ago, paying for music/food/etc and they made SUCH big deal over it – how excited they were, how beautiful the wedding would be. Even 2 years later, they constantly chew my ear off over how great it was.
On the other hand, they’ve just said they’re not contributing anything to our wedding. Not only that, but they hardly ever talk or ask about it. It feels like they just don’t care at all. They haven’t asked any questions or shown any interest. Early on I tried to involve them in planning and whenever I brought it up, I’d hear crickets.
I wouldn’t care if they could only donate 1 penny to our fund. It’s more the fact that they don’t want to and don’t seem to care about our wedding at all.
I’ve started resenting them for it because they’ve made me feel like such crap over the last few years and I’m really not thrilled about marrying into this family, especially when my family has been so wonderful throughout our engagement.
Anyway I know there’s nothing I can do and I just have to grin and bear it, but it makes me sad 🙁 Anyone else get the short end of the stick?
Post # 3
@MrsCreeToBe: I think a son’s wedding tends to be a little different for some parents than a daughters wedding. I think the grooms family can also feel a little cut off from planning if they aren’t paying for it since most is done byt he bride and her family.
My parents are paying for our wedding and my in laws have offered to pay for somethings as well – flowers and rehersal dinner, etc. I love them and they are excited abotu the wedding but sometimes I feel they’re not interested in the planning but really it is them trying not to overstep. Is it possible your in laws are doing the same? I really want them invovled and have noticed they do get invovled and excited when I invite them to, so I have really made it a point to reach out and involved them in conversations and activities so they feel comfortable and welcome, and not like they’re overstepping.
Post # 4
Traditionally, [not that anybody really pays attention to it anymore!] the brides family pays for most of the wedding. While I understand that this doesn’t always happen, they still might be as traditional. They could have assumed that your family would cover it, and thus have not offered to help. Or maybe they just have alot going on. Is your wedding really far away? Maybe they will get more involved when it gets closer. There will be expenses all the way up until your wedding day, so if and when they decide to help out, there will always be something to help with!
In the mean time, I would use the funds you’ve already been given, you’ve already gotten alot more than some couples who have to pay for everything on their own! And then continue planning with your own funds.
I know this doesn’t really help, but there isn’t alot you can do until they offer, if they do – without sounding rude, that is.
Post # 5
@MrsWBS: Thanks for the input. I have definitely considered that perspective – trying not to overstep. In the beginning I did really want them involved in the planning, especially my FMIL and FSIL, but every time I tried to engage them, they’d show no interest.
FI and I have been planning the wedding for about a year now, and I can count on less than one hand the number of times they’ve asked me a question about it or even feigned interest. They don’t live close, so I used to text them “Want to see the venue we just looked at?!” or “Want to give your opinion on these colors?” etc and every time I was met with such an unenthusiastic response.
I really don’t know why!
Post # 6
Sorry that you’re feeling resentful about your future in-laws. Financial issue aside, you definitely need to get on the same page as your FI with his family. It will only become a bigger issue as the years go by…
As for the $$, your fiance’s parents helped contribute to his sister’s wedding because they were the parents of the bride. Traditionally, the bride’s parents pay for the wedding. There are many variations to who pays in modern day (obviously, since you and your FI are paying the majority of your own wedding), but I think its still influences people’s expectations. Even if FI’s parents could afford to help us, I would never expect them to contribute to our wedding fund just because they are the parents of the groom. In our case, its a good thing because they would probably want to double the guestlist if they had a financial say in things!
Post # 7
Maybe they are just more traditional… my FI’s parents paid for his sister’s wedding and are not paying for ours… I never thought twice about it because I’m pretty sure that, traditionally, the daughter’s family pays, and his family is quite traditional.
Post # 8
Have their finances changed? I know that my dad contributed a lot to my brother for his wedding and nothing to mine. I also know that my dad’s finances have changed dramatically in the three years between weddings. I wasn’t expecting anything from my dad, I’m old enough to get married and pay for it, and I wasn’t resentful because my brother got more than me. Things aren’t fair sometimes.
Maybe it’s time for FI to have a chat with his parents, not about finances, but about their lack of interest in the wedding. They may also be trying not to overstep? I know my parents did that with my older brother’s wedding. He had to call them out on the difference between stepping on toes and showing no interest.
Post # 9
@jenilynevette: Yeah, that’s true. I do think they’re more traditional and I could definitely get past the money thing – I really don’t care if anybody contributes. What hurts me is the lack of interest and enthusiasm I suppose, and the money just felt like yet ANOTHER thing their daughter and her fiance received that we have not.
I’m just so tired of feeling the way they’ve made us feel. I just wish they’d show any interest at all you know? FI’s cousin got engaged recently, FMIL barely knows the fiancee, but she’s more excited about that than our wedding. I really do think she doesn’t like me for whatever reason and I can’t figure it out.
But maybe I should just step back? If they really do feel like they’re overstepping by giving input, then I’d love to involve them more so they feel comfortable and welcome in the planning. But I’m tired of getting the same crappy responses from them and feeling rejected whenever I do try, so part of me just wants to give up and close them out of any planning now.
It’s so childish, haha.
Post # 10
@MrsCreeToBe: aw I’m sorry then 🙁 Weddings really bring out people’s true colors…
Post # 11
I am sorry that you don’t have a great relationship with your in-laws. I don’t really have much advice to give you. True, that traditionally, they are not obligated to help, but I understand that it is not just that….they havn’t done much to make you feel like part of the family. *hugs* I know it hurts, but hopefully they will come around eventually. Maybe they are hurting financially? Maybe they blew it all on their daughters wedding? They might feel like they paid their dues since they are not traditionally obligated now to pay for anything. Yeah, it sucks, but I don’t think there is much you can do about it now.
Post # 12
The more I think about it the more I realize it’s not the money. The money thing just pushed me over the edge a bit because I was already feeling so resentful at the way they’ve treated us and the wedding so far.
I don’t feel like I can bring this up to them though, and I’m not sure I can even say anything to FI. I never want to rock the boat.
Post # 13
Oh well, thanks everyone! Maybe I’ll just chalk it up to being traditional (re: the money part). As for the no interest thing……eh.
I’ll just be grateful for my family 😉
Post # 14
I would have your fiance talk to his family about it. I once dated a guy who’s mother HATED me. Not because I’m a bad person, just simply because I was taking her “baby” away, therefore, I was a threat to her. I ran away from that relationship ship!
There could be a number of factors, and it’s best not to beat yourself up over it. The reason for no financial assistance can easily be explained through tradition. The not showing much interest could even be shame, maybe they don’t HAVE the money to give, and they feel awful about that. You never really know, people are strange creatures who act in differant ways when faced with a shame type situation. But, I would definantly have your fiance talk to them, most importantly for FMIL.
Post # 15
@MrsCreeToBe: yeah, I figured it wasn’t the money thing. This was just them pouring salt in an open wound. I understand.
Post # 16
@MrsCreeToBe: It’s impossible for those here on this board to know what is going on, but lack of interest in a one day event–the wedding and following recpetion party–doesn’t mean they are uninterested in you.
Since it’s not their party, they probalby don’t have much interest in the details. Or maybe they got their wedding fix from the one wedding they put on and are tired of more wedding stuff.