(Closed) FI's family not interested in wedding, feel hurt/resentful.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsCreeToBe:  I think a son’s wedding tends to be a little different for some parents than a daughters wedding.  I think the grooms family can also feel a little cut off from planning if they aren’t paying for it since most is done byt he bride and her family.

My parents are paying for our wedding and my in laws have offered to pay for somethings as well – flowers and rehersal dinner, etc. I love them and they are excited abotu the wedding but sometimes I feel they’re not interested in the planning but really it is them trying not to overstep.  Is it possible your in laws are doing the same? I really want them invovled and have noticed they do get invovled and excited when I invite them to, so I have really made it a point to reach out and involved them in conversations and activities so they feel comfortable and welcome, and not like they’re overstepping. 

Post # 4
Hostess
8580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Traditionally, [not that anybody really pays attention to it anymore!] the brides family pays for most of the wedding. While I understand that this doesn’t always happen, they still might be as traditional. They could have assumed that your family would cover it, and thus have not offered to help. Or maybe they just have alot going on. Is your wedding really far away? Maybe they will get more involved when it gets closer. There will be expenses all the way up until your wedding day, so if and when they decide to help out, there will always be something to help with!

In the mean time, I would use the funds you’ve already been given, you’ve already gotten alot more than some couples who have to pay for everything on their own! And then continue planning with your own funds.

I know this doesn’t really help, but there isn’t alot you can do until they offer, if they do – without sounding rude, that is.

 

Post # 6
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Sorry that you’re feeling resentful about your future in-laws.  Financial issue aside, you definitely need to get on the same page as your FI with his family.  It will only become a bigger issue as the years go by…

As for the $$, your fiance’s parents helped contribute to his sister’s wedding because they were the parents of the bride.  Traditionally, the bride’s parents pay for the wedding.  There are many variations to who pays in modern day (obviously, since you and your FI are paying the majority of your own wedding), but I think its still influences people’s expectations.  Even if FI’s parents could afford to help us, I would never expect them to contribute to our wedding fund just because they are the parents of the groom.  In our case, its a good thing because they would probably want to double the guestlist if they had a financial say in things!

Post # 7
Member
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Maybe they are just more traditional… my FI’s parents paid for his sister’s wedding and are not paying for ours… I never thought twice about it because I’m pretty sure that, traditionally, the daughter’s family pays, and his family is quite traditional.

Post # 8
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Have their finances changed?   I know that my dad contributed a lot to my brother for his wedding and nothing to mine.  I also know that my dad’s finances have changed dramatically in the three years between weddings.  I wasn’t expecting anything from my dad, I’m old enough to get married and pay for it, and I wasn’t resentful because my brother got more than me.  Things aren’t fair sometimes. 

Maybe it’s time for FI to have a chat with his parents, not about finances, but about their lack of interest in the wedding.  They may also be trying not to overstep?   I know my parents did that with my older brother’s wedding.  He had to call them out on the difference between stepping on toes and showing no interest. 

Post # 10
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsCreeToBe:  aw I’m sorry then 🙁  Weddings really bring out people’s true colors… 

Post # 11
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am sorry that you don’t have a great relationship with your in-laws. I don’t really have much advice to give you. True, that traditionally, they are not obligated to help, but I understand that it is not just that….they havn’t done much to make you feel like part of the family. *hugs* I know it hurts, but hopefully they will come around eventually. Maybe they are hurting financially? Maybe they blew it all on their daughters wedding? They might feel like they paid their dues since they are not traditionally obligated now to pay for anything. Yeah, it sucks, but I don’t think there is much you can do about it now.  

Post # 14
Hostess
8580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MrsCreeToBe:  

I would have your fiance talk to his family about it. I once dated a guy who’s mother HATED me. Not because I’m a bad person, just simply because I was taking her “baby” away, therefore, I was a threat to her. I ran away from that relationship ship!

There could be a number of factors, and it’s best not to beat yourself up over it. The reason for no financial assistance can easily be explained through tradition. The not showing much interest could even be shame, maybe they don’t HAVE the money to give, and they feel awful about that. You never really know, people are strange creatures who act in differant ways when faced with a shame type situation. But, I would definantly have your fiance talk to them, most importantly for FMIL.

Post # 15
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MrsCreeToBe:  yeah, I figured it wasn’t the money thing. This was just them pouring salt in an open wound. I understand.

Post # 16
Member
3589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@MrsCreeToBe:  It’s impossible for those here on this board to know what is going on, but lack of interest in a one day event–the wedding and following recpetion party–doesn’t mean they are uninterested in you.

Since it’s not their party, they probalby don’t have much interest in the details. Or maybe they got their wedding fix from the one wedding they put on and are tired of more wedding stuff.

 

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