FI's family not talking to us

posted 3 years ago in Elopement
Post # 3
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I told my parents on a Tuesday night that my now ex-husband and I were going to the courthouse on Wednesday morning. I gave absolutely no warning, I knew they couldn’t get off of work, and that was that. They weren’t happy, but they got over it. 

If they get angry or upset, don’t get defensive- just tell them that this is what works best for you and your FI, this is what you two want, and if necessary, tell them that you are done talking about it. Letting them see that you’re not going to change your mind will eventually get them over it. Just make sure you stick to one plan and DO NOT change it- that will only fuel the fire.

Good luck!

Post # 4
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you have to accept that one of the downsides of eloping may well be hurt feelings from close family and that you will have to deal with a potentially difficult situation. That’s not to say that you should change your plans either but there can be downsides to an elopement.

It’s probably best to keep the lines of communication open and say to her that you realise she’d like to be at your wedding but you’d also like her and FMIL to try and respect your decision. Hopefully, with your wedding nearly a year away, time will be a healer so far as your relationship with FMIL and FSIL is concerned.

Post # 5
4893 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would like to think that, in the end, family and friends would just be thrilled for you and your happiness.

I’ve never understood why people want to be at someone’s wedding SO BAD that they stop talking to them when they might not get to go. Silly and immature. If you feel strongly about it, just tell them that this is what you both want, it fits your style and budget best. I would suggest hiring a photographer to document the day so family can have great photos to see later. We did that when we eloped. 🙂

Best wishes to you, I hope you get the day of your dreams without any hassle from family/friends!

Post # 6
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I agree with a PP, there is a reason people elope and don’t tell people. I am not really sure what good would come out of telling people before hand.

I hope your families can get past all the hurt feelings though.

Post # 8
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@FutureMrsMarlow:  Because you said something, you can’t take that back. You also can’t control how she feels. She is allowed to feel upset, but that doesn’t mean you need to change your plans.

Her feelings may never change, and the most you can say is, “I am sorry you feel that way. I hope you can come celebrate with us at the party.”

Post # 9
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

@FutureMrsMarlow:  She can be disappointed, but if she ruins your friendship over this, she is VERY immature. Your wedding is your wedding. It’s not like everyone you know is going and she’s the only one who can’t afford it!

Give her time; hopefully she will realize that it’s not actually about her.

Post # 10
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

A wedding is the ceremony of marriage between the two people that have to live with that marriage every single day.  I get that sometimes people want to be a part of that special day but if it gets to the point where those people are not speaking to you because they don’t approve of your choice on HOW you get married.  Then it’s painfully clear that they think your wedding is more about them than you.

Which is really fucked up and sad.  Let them ignore you.  They’re only hurting themselves in the end.

Post # 11
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@FutureMrsMarlow:  I’m confused becasue you siad immediate family was invited.  Doesn’t that mean that FSIl is invited?

Post # 12
1715 posts
Bumble bee

That’s one of the risks of eloping or having a private ceremony, which is a more accurate description and name for the type of wedding you are having.

If this is the type of wedding you want, that’s fine, but not everyone is going to be happy with your decision. This isn’t their wedding, so what they want isn’t the priority, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be a little upset. They’ll probably get past it. Hopefully they do so that this situation doesn’t cause unnecessary trouble.  

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a private ceremony, by the way. Having a style of wedding that you don’t want isn’t good. Lots of couples have big family weddings when they don’t really want one, and oftentimes they regret it and wish they had stuck with the wedding that they really wanted. What you and your fiancée want is what’s most important when it comes to this. 

Post # 14
7284 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@FutureMrsMarlow:  I think that it probably stung a little bit more because of the expenses being changed and then you invite everyone and then took back the invitation. I don’t think this is the nornmal elopement problem. They probably feel like you are purposefully trying to exclude them.

In normal elopement circumstances then I think people would have gotten over it but I think the chopping and changing is what is leading to the ill feelings.

Our friends and relatives love us and want to celebrate out milestones with us. When they get upset over things like this it is not because they are evil people but because they are upset that they do not get to be at your wedding. Since you let the cat out of the bag (which I think is a big mistake if you are planning to elope) and invited everyone, then I think you owe it to them to explain why you just want it to be you and your FI.


Post # 15
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@j_jaye:  I agree with this.

I dodn’t really get what’s going on until I read PP’s reply.

So let me get things straight.  You first invite people to a DW, but since some can’t fork out the money, you cancel the thing and now are wondering why people are upset?


Post # 16
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@FutureMrsMarlow:  I think that if you were truly eloping, you shouldn’t have told anyone. Once you invited people, you should have stood by that and whoever can come can, and if people can’t, oh well. 

Also, if you are getting married alone without guests present or a reception, it’s not really appropriate to have a bachelorette or shower or any other wedding related events. 

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