Post # 1
Me and FI are eloping in November, it’s what we both want and are really happy with our decision, we want a stress free, romantic and relaxing wedding/honeymoon as well as saving some money. A wedding back home is just not realistic while we are saving for a house!
Originally FMIL & FSIL were really happy with the idea (I know the traditional meaning of elopment is that you don’t tell anyone, however along with a lot of others we decided to talk to people about it) but wanted to come, so we invited our immediate families & friends however all but his dad & his dad’s partner couldn’t afford to come. We made the decision let’s keep it simple and do it the way we want and go alone and have a big party when we come back and I was getting really excited planning a hen & reception and looking at different ideas, my dress, ring etc.
FSIL who is also one of my best friends told me she was very disapointed in our decision and that I should be more upset about mine & FI’s families not coming and that it’s a really sad situation etc and has since ignored me. She also told me that we should change our plans so that she could come. We usually go to the gym together 3-4 times a week, regularly go for meals/drinks at the weekend etc. I have apologised for the way she is feeling and to try to understand that this is our wedding and our decision and despite trying our hardest to find different locations and the best prices for guests we had our hearts set on a certain place and we weren’t going to change it.
My family are really happy for us and think it’s a great idea and can’t wait to help with the party on our return to celebrate with everyone. It’s not so much just ‘typical’ FMIL/FSIL issues that I’m upset about, it’s more that I feel I may have lost one of my best friends and as a result loosing her as a girlfriend to get excited about the girlie bits around the wedding (note I am not asking her to plan the hen/bachelorette party or reception, just general girlie chat & idea’s around it, advice/opinions on things like some of my other friends who aren’t coming are) and not sure what to do?
Please only kind advice, this is quite an upsetting subject at the moment and had a few nasty comments on another thread 🙂 thanks x
Post # 3
I told my parents on a Tuesday night that my now ex-husband and I were going to the courthouse on Wednesday morning. I gave absolutely no warning, I knew they couldn’t get off of work, and that was that. They weren’t happy, but they got over it.
If they get angry or upset, don’t get defensive- just tell them that this is what works best for you and your FI, this is what you two want, and if necessary, tell them that you are done talking about it. Letting them see that you’re not going to change your mind will eventually get them over it. Just make sure you stick to one plan and DO NOT change it- that will only fuel the fire.
Post # 4
I think you have to accept that one of the downsides of eloping may well be hurt feelings from close family and that you will have to deal with a potentially difficult situation. That’s not to say that you should change your plans either but there can be downsides to an elopement.
It’s probably best to keep the lines of communication open and say to her that you realise she’d like to be at your wedding but you’d also like her and FMIL to try and respect your decision. Hopefully, with your wedding nearly a year away, time will be a healer so far as your relationship with FMIL and FSIL is concerned.
Post # 5
I would like to think that, in the end, family and friends would just be thrilled for you and your happiness.
I’ve never understood why people want to be at someone’s wedding SO BAD that they stop talking to them when they might not get to go. Silly and immature. If you feel strongly about it, just tell them that this is what you both want, it fits your style and budget best. I would suggest hiring a photographer to document the day so family can have great photos to see later. We did that when we eloped. 🙂
Best wishes to you, I hope you get the day of your dreams without any hassle from family/friends!
Post # 6
I agree with a PP, there is a reason people elope and don’t tell people. I am not really sure what good would come out of telling people before hand.
I hope your families can get past all the hurt feelings though.
Post # 7
@ieatunicorns: as I said originally I know it’s not the ‘traditional’ way of eloping, however initially we wanted our immediate family to come but they couldn’t afford it, hence why we told them. It was at first going to be a wedding abroad with a small group it just turns out all but 1 person can get the money together.
Post # 8
@FutureMrsMarlow: Because you said something, you can’t take that back. You also can’t control how she feels. She is allowed to feel upset, but that doesn’t mean you need to change your plans.
Her feelings may never change, and the most you can say is, “I am sorry you feel that way. I hope you can come celebrate with us at the party.”
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
@FutureMrsMarlow: She can be disappointed, but if she ruins your friendship over this, she is VERY immature. Your wedding is your wedding. It’s not like everyone you know is going and she’s the only one who can’t afford it!
Give her time; hopefully she will realize that it’s not actually about her.
Post # 10
A wedding is the ceremony of marriage between the two people that have to live with that marriage every single day. I get that sometimes people want to be a part of that special day but if it gets to the point where those people are not speaking to you because they don’t approve of your choice on HOW you get married. Then it’s painfully clear that they think your wedding is more about them than you.
Which is really fucked up and sad. Let them ignore you. They’re only hurting themselves in the end.
Post # 11
@FutureMrsMarlow: I’m confused becasue you siad immediate family was invited. Doesn’t that mean that FSIl is invited?
Post # 12
That’s one of the risks of eloping or having a private ceremony, which is a more accurate description and name for the type of wedding you are having.
If this is the type of wedding you want, that’s fine, but not everyone is going to be happy with your decision. This isn’t their wedding, so what they want isn’t the priority, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be a little upset. They’ll probably get past it. Hopefully they do so that this situation doesn’t cause unnecessary trouble.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a private ceremony, by the way. Having a style of wedding that you don’t want isn’t good. Lots of couples have big family weddings when they don’t really want one, and oftentimes they regret it and wish they had stuck with the wedding that they really wanted. What you and your fiancée want is what’s most important when it comes to this.
Post # 13
@Atalanta: Yes they were but couldn’t afford it, they could afford £1,500 at first then it was £1,800 and they couldn’t.
Post # 14
@FutureMrsMarlow: I think that it probably stung a little bit more because of the expenses being changed and then you invite everyone and then took back the invitation. I don’t think this is the nornmal elopement problem. They probably feel like you are purposefully trying to exclude them.
In normal elopement circumstances then I think people would have gotten over it but I think the chopping and changing is what is leading to the ill feelings.
Our friends and relatives love us and want to celebrate out milestones with us. When they get upset over things like this it is not because they are evil people but because they are upset that they do not get to be at your wedding. Since you let the cat out of the bag (which I think is a big mistake if you are planning to elope) and invited everyone, then I think you owe it to them to explain why you just want it to be you and your FI.
Post # 15
@j_jaye: I agree with this.
I dodn’t really get what’s going on until I read PP’s reply.
So let me get things straight. You first invite people to a DW, but since some can’t fork out the money, you cancel the thing and now are wondering why people are upset?
Post # 16
@FutureMrsMarlow: I think that if you were truly eloping, you shouldn’t have told anyone. Once you invited people, you should have stood by that and whoever can come can, and if people can’t, oh well.
Also, if you are getting married alone without guests present or a reception, it’s not really appropriate to have a bachelorette or shower or any other wedding related events.