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UM. Isn't running background checks on random people against the law? I think they have to have a reason to do so. I'm assuming he's in a position where he has access, so I would report him to whoever is above him. This is abuse of power.
Oh my goodness. I wouldn't want them at my wedding either!!! Honestly, I'm not sure how to handle that. My gut instinct would be to sit down and have a conversation with your FH's stepfather and tell him if he can't be supportive of you guys as a couple, but also of two families coming together, then not to come. He sounds like a huge jerk and I would be worried about what else was coming and what he might do at the wedding.
My situation is somewhat similar. FI's parents are divorced, mine is "white picket fence". FMIL gets along really well with my family, we all spend a lot of time together. BUT she hates FFIL. It's been twenty something years and she still won't let it go. Not that she doesn't have every right to hate the guy, he was really awful to her and the kids, but it's been long enough that you'd think she'd have moved on.... She's asked me about four times where FFIL and his wife are sitting during the ceremony, called FI crying about everything, etc. I had to sit down and have a conversation with her and tell her to stuff it and get over it for a day. All the have to do is sit in a room together, breathe the same air. They don't have to be BFF or hold hands, she doesn't even have to look at him. I told her that her behaviour was absolutely out of line and if she needed someone to cry to then to call me but to stop harassing FI about it. I think it put her into shock and put things into perspective because she's stopped the more extreme behaviours and has just been focusing on the positives. Maybe your FH's stepfather needs some of the same treatment to see that he's being completely unreasonable and a bit of a nut! Who runs background checks?!
Anyone can run a background check on anyone. There are PI services as well as about a million services that do it. Running a federal security clearance on somebody requires a position of power, but running a background check on random people requires the internet.
This totally sucks. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It sounds to me like his family is just really defensive about being "messed up" and "bad" and that your family is pretty together which makes them all feel insecure. There isn't anything that you can do about it, which makes it hurt extra hard.
Can you talk to your FI's mom about the stepfather's behavior and mention that you are very worried about his actions? Or is she also crazy?
@augustbride80: It might be very difficult, but I really do think you should take the higher road in this situation. Get all the support you need, through prayer, family, and friends. While your FH is upset with his parents, they are the only parents he has. You do not want to be the reason they do not come to the wedding. If they do not come, let it be because they chose not to. Maybe you can talk to your parents, and give them a heads up of the potential situation. That way they can be on guard and ready to handle anything that may happen. I am sorry you are having to go through this, but your family sounds amazing, and I am positive that they have your back with whatever decision you make. I have a few people in my past that have made it difficult for me to turn the other cheek. I came across this verse the other day: "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44)." It will take some work, but I am trying to keep this in mind at all times.
@edb: His mom is almost on the level that his stepfather is. I don't she's an inherently bad person though, she has put up with a LOT from his stepfather and I know she must be pretty close to her breaking point too (a few months ago he surprised her with the news that he has another adult daughter that he never told anyone about).
She has still been super mean to us at various times, but I don't feel like she's completely crossed the line of basic human decency the way that his stepfather has!
Tough situation. I really feel for you, and your fiance-most of all. It's probably very embarassing for him. I would, in the presence of your fiance, try to make light of it, to help ease his stress. Try to talk him out of how big of a deal it really is. It seems most often, that when something really bothers a man, he lets it eat him up inside. Whereas us women, vent/talk about it and get it out. Make him feel like you don't really care, even though you do. Seriously-what a huge jerk the stepfather is, ick.
To keep the peace, which I feel is what we do most of the time in relationships, I would just keep my lips sealed. You don't want the lunatic stepfather smearing your name all over. People rarely hear both sides of a story. Let him attend your lovely wedding, act like there are no hurt feelings, and kill him with kindness. I mean, honestly, jerk or not--he is still going to feel like a fool inside, while sitting in the home of your wonderful family.
Cuddle up to your sweetheart and remind him you are marrying him not his family, and try to make him feel at ease. It is probably worse than you can imagine for him.
Sounds like they're struggling with a lot of insecurities of their own. It's tough when parents don't know how to be healthy, functioning adults. :(
IMO, it stinks, but they're family, and family is forever - so just do what you can to love them and not expect much in return. Just give and give and give, within reason (meaning keep yourselves emotionally healthy first), and hopefully in time they'll be able to recognize that you guys do care about them, stop being so poisonous, and hopefully even reciprocate.
He crossed the line there, but you know what? He didn't find anything, and that must have killed him inside. So sit down and have a talk with FI, let him know how you feel and leave it at that. It has to be hard on him to deal with this. If they decide not to attend the wedding that has to be their choice, and not yours. To be honest, I think the best way to get to them is to have them at your wedding. Let them see how amazing your family is, and how much they love your FI. That is going to be the biggest reality check for both his stepdad and his mom. And if you think his mom is at the breaking point, then she will probably come around. I wouldn't hope for them to break up, but it sounds like she might be ready to start forming her own opinions.
I guess it's different here in Canada, well, New Brunswick at least. Even employers are required to get your permission in order to run a background check.
HOLY MOLY! You poor thing. I can not even imagine this going on with me. I would loose my mind! Like PP have said it has to kill him he did not find more in this check. I hope nothing occurs at the wedding. I would ignore him. At the wedding keep them away from each other and put his step dad in a corner with a dunce hat LOL just kidding.. but seriously what a jerk. Just go on with your wedding and hope he doesn't go.
@Jizes318: Ha, that actually made me laugh. Can we give him a dunce cap instead of a boutonniere? :)
My situation sounds very similar to yours, just not the background check ( that I know of at least) My FMIL and FSIL have acted in the same manors, accusing my FI he has a better family now, spreading rumors to the family, harrasing me and my FI, harrassing my parents, threatening to kill themselves, and saying hurtful things about me, about my family. They are horrible, toxic people. It has caused MAJOR stress on our engagement, we have been engaged for 7 months and I can honestly say that when I look back on my engagement there are not that many fun memories because we have been dealing with this so much. As we get closer to the wedding ( in a month) things get worse and worse. I almost called the wedding off, I couldn't deal with the family any more, my FI couldn't deal with it. In June was when we finally realized we needed to talk it out with someone and we did and I have to say it helped so much. We figured out ways that TOGETHER we could move forward and combat the hurt. We knew we weren't going to change them but we also knew if we were there for each other it would help. Like I said since then, things have gotten so much worse, and it's still hard and hurtful but I have to say it doesn't effect us like it did before, we have 1 month until are wedding and we finally are in that bliss that we should have been for the last 7 months.
I don't want his mother or sister to be at the wedding, because of everything they have put us through and the things they have said no only about me but my family but at this point I don't care. My FI doesn't want them there either, but we said they will get an invite and they can decide. I'm not going to let them take away my day and nothing they can do will ruin it, my friends and family all know the situation and all are on standby that if anything happens, they will be removed. We have no relationship with them at this point, which it sucks but we also know that together we are a family now and if his family wants to be a part of that then they have to accept us both and move past their craziness.
So my advice is, and I know it's hard, don't let this stress you out and ruin your day, this is what they want. The best thing you can do is be the bigger person, you don't have to go out of your way for them or even say hello to them, but if you stop them from coming to the wedding then its going to look ill on you, you need to let them make their own adult choices. My FI mom and sister RSVP no for the wedding, we didn't give her what she wanted, she wanted us to fight for it and beg her, we ignored her, low and behold, she has now changed her mind, though she won't admit it, she wants to lie and say she never RSVP no and never said she couldn't celebrate the day with us. Let your FI family be the crazy, nutty people, because that's what they are, you guys just keep moving forward, IGNORE THEM, it's the best thing for both you, and they will get the hint. Right now you all are feeding into them and giving them more fuel.
If you want to chat more about this, just ping. I have to say I feel like a different person from how I was in May until now, you can find peace with it, it's just hard at first.
I'm marrying into the crazies and have the white picket fence family too! They have pushed me to the point where we have threatened to just go get married and let them find out when they read the annoucement in the paper. I'm a vindictive sort of person, so what I would do in this sort of situation is run a back ground check on FFIL and then have my father discuss the findings with FFIL at the wedding. That should teach him a lesson!
On a more serious note thought, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and I hope everything goes smoothly on your wedding day.
Would it be possible for you and your FI to have some emergency sessions with a couples councelor? that way you can have a professional to sit down with and vent this to (for the both of you, you two would go together), and then you 2 can get some stratigies on how to set up boundaries without inflaming the situation. Professionals deal with this kind of stuff all the time. They give very good advice.
I too would be so upset and disturbed over the background check thing, and everything else you've described. You're not alone in feeling the way you do. Just don't let this drive a wedge between you and your FI. I'm kind of in the same boat as you but with different expereinces, and when my SO gets home from his deployment we are going to a counselor who can help us figure out all the family and marriage stuff. Don't feel bad about all of this, no one is born knowing how to handle this kind of stuff or be married. I'm glad to hear you and your FI have such wonderful connections with your side of the family though! Awesome!! My family is the same way!!
Ah thank goodness we can pick our friends.
If I would be in that situation, I would have to let them come and then make an extra effort to shield the wedding party from these hurtful people. Especially your FI. Then when it's time for the ceremony and reception, I would be blissfully happy and not give them a thought, except to share happy, happy smiles on that wonderful day. FOCUS on all that is good and wonderful on that day. DO NOT alllow these people to ruin this special day!
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(Sorry, using an alter-ego here just in case my future in-laws happen to stumble upon this)
When I first met my fiance almost 2 years ago, I really felt that I had lucked out in terms of his family. Although his parents are divorced, he seemed to have good relationships with all of his parents, stepparents, siblings, etc. And the first few times I met them, they seemed to be fairly nice. The only exception was his stepfather, who always seemed to be very rude to me (making condescending remarks and literally turning his back on me as I was trying to have a conversation with him) but my fiance assured me that his stepfather was just "testing" me, whatever that means, and that he didn't mean to be rude.
His mother and stepfather also live halfway across the country from us, so we have only seen them a handful of times while we've been together. Then we got engaged and things got really crazy. I can't even go into ALL the details because it would take forever. They have just put SO much stress on us over the last several months. They have said incredibly hurtful things to us, lied to us, and spread rumors about me to the rest of his family. I think my fiance is close to having a complete breakdown at times because his family is being SO nuts and he blames himself for it.
(Sidenote: His mother and stepfather were having marital problems for a while in the middle of this and were considering divorce, so for a while I just assumed they were unusually on-edge because of that. But now I just don't even know. Your own marital problems shouldn't automatically cause you to put your son and everyone else through this kind of stress.)
Yesterday was the final straw for me. We found out that his stepfather has been running background checks on my parents. My entire family is absolutely squeaky clean and the sweetest people you could imagine. My fiance's parents have never met my parents because his family lives so far away from us. The only thing that turned up when he conducted these background checks was an incident many years ago where my father was charged with a driving offense. It was really not a big deal, and completely out of character for my father, who hasn't even had a speeding ticket in decades. No one outside of my immediate family even knows about it. But my fiance's stepfather called us and said, "So I guess her family isn't so f-ing PERFECT now are they?!?" They ended up having another huge fight and my fiance was SO upset and ashamed of his family's behavior.
My "perfect" family has been a major sore spot with them all along, since from the beginning of our relationship my fiance really bonded with my family and loves spending time with them. Yet whenever he would tell his family about my family, he would usually be met with comments like, "So you just think your family is SO messed up, don't you? We're the BAD family and she has the GOOD family?" Obviously my fiance loves his family very much and has never looked at it that way!
At this point, I just can't imagine my fiance's stepfather being at our wedding, which is being held next month where my parents live. It just seems like such a slap in the face to my family to force them to welcome this complete jerk into their home, when he has tried so hard to hurt all of us. He has even said several times (during fights with my fiance) that he doesn't want anything to do with us and doesn't want to attend our wedding. I just want to say, "FINE, then don't come!" but obviously I can't. :(
How on earth do we handle this?! It just makes me sick to think what other stuff they're going try in these last few weeks before the wedding. :(