(Closed) FI’s family totally crossing the line… how much of this do we put up with?!

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

UM. Isn’t running background checks on random people against the law? I think they have to have a reason to do so. I’m assuming he’s in a position where he has access, so I would report him to whoever is above him. This is abuse of power.

Post # 4
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh my goodness. I wouldn’t want them at my wedding either!!! Honestly, I’m not sure how to handle that. My gut instinct would be to sit down and have a conversation with your FH’s stepfather and tell him if he can’t be supportive of you guys as a couple, but also of two families coming together, then not to come. He sounds like a huge jerk and I would be worried about what else was coming and what he might do at the wedding.

My situation is somewhat similar. FI’s parents are divorced, mine is “white picket fence”. FMIL gets along really well with my family, we all spend a lot of time together. BUT she hates FFIL. It’s been twenty something years and she still won’t let it go. Not that she doesn’t have every right to hate the guy, he was really awful to her and the kids, but it’s been long enough that you’d think she’d have moved on…. She’s asked me about four times where FFIL and his wife are sitting during the ceremony, called FI crying about everything, etc. I had to sit down and have a conversation with her and tell her to stuff it and get over it for a day. All the have to do is sit in a room together, breathe the same air. They don’t have to be BFF or hold hands, she doesn’t even have to look at him. I told her that her behaviour was absolutely out of line and if she needed someone to cry to then to call me but to stop harassing FI about it. I think it put her into shock and put things into perspective because she’s stopped the more extreme behaviours and has just been focusing on the positives. Maybe your FH’s stepfather needs some of the same treatment to see that he’s being completely unreasonable and a bit of a nut! Who runs background checks?!

Post # 5
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Anyone can run a background check on anyone.  There are PI services as well as about a million services that do it.  Running a federal security clearance on somebody requires a position of power, but running a background check on random people requires the internet.  

This totally sucks.  I’m sorry you have to deal with it.  It sounds to me like his family is just really defensive about being “messed up” and “bad” and that your family is pretty together which makes them all feel insecure.  There isn’t anything that you can do about it, which makes it hurt extra hard.  

Can you talk to your FI’s mom about the stepfather’s behavior and mention that you are very worried about his actions?  Or is she also crazy?  

Post # 6
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@augustbride80: It might be very difficult, but I really do think you should take the higher road in this situation.  Get all the support you need, through prayer, family, and friends.  While your FH is upset with his parents, they are the only parents he has.  You do not want to be the reason they do not come to the wedding.  If they do not come, let it be because they chose not to.  Maybe you can talk to your parents, and give them a heads up of the potential situation.  That way they can be on guard and ready to handle anything that may happen.  I am sorry you are having to go through this, but your family sounds amazing, and I am positive that they have your back with whatever decision you make.  I have a few people in my past that have made it difficult for me to turn the other cheek.  I came across this verse the other day: “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44).”  It will take some work, but I am trying to keep this in mind at all times.

Post # 7
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@orangie: Unfortunately anybody can run a background check.

Post # 10
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Tough situation. I really feel for you, and your fiance-most of all. It’s probably very embarassing for him. I would, in the presence of your fiance, try to make light of it, to help ease his stress. Try to talk him out of how big of a deal it really is. It seems most often, that when something really bothers a man, he lets it eat him up inside. Whereas us women, vent/talk about it and get it out. Make him feel like you don’t really care, even though you do. Seriously-what a huge jerk the stepfather is, ick.

To keep the peace, which I feel is what we do most of the time in relationships, I would just keep my lips sealed. You don’t want the lunatic stepfather smearing your name all over. People rarely hear both sides of a story. Let him attend your lovely wedding, act like there are no hurt feelings, and kill him with kindness. I mean, honestly, jerk or not–he is still going to feel like a fool inside, while sitting in the home of your wonderful family.

Cuddle up to your sweetheart and remind him you are marrying him not his family, and try to make him feel at ease. It is probably worse than you can imagine for him.

Post # 11
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sounds like they’re struggling with a lot of insecurities of their own. It’s tough when parents don’t know how to be healthy, functioning adults. ๐Ÿ™

IMO, it stinks, but they’re family, and family is forever – so just do what you can to love them and not expect much in return. Just give and give and give, within reason (meaning keep yourselves emotionally healthy first), and hopefully in time they’ll be able to recognize that you guys do care about them, stop being so poisonous, and hopefully even reciprocate.

Post # 12
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He crossed the line there, but you know what?  He didn’t find anything, and that must have killed him inside.  So sit down and have a talk with FI, let him know how you feel and leave it at that. It has to be hard on him to deal with this.  If they decide not to attend the wedding that has to be their choice, and not yours.  To be honest, I think the best way to get to them is to have them at your wedding.  Let them see how amazing your family is, and how much they love your FI.  That is going to be the biggest reality check for both his stepdad and his mom.  And if you think his mom is at the breaking point, then she will probably come around.  I wouldn’t hope for them to break up, but it sounds like she might be ready to start forming her own opinions.  

Post # 13
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I guess it’s different here in Canada, well, New Brunswick at least. Even employers are required to get your permission in order to run a background check.

Post # 15
Member
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

HOLY MOLY! You poor thing. I can not even imagine this going on with me. I would loose my mind! Like PP have said it has to kill him he did not find more in this check. I hope nothing occurs at the wedding. I would ignore him. At the wedding keep them away from each other and put his step dad in a corner with a dunce hat LOL just kidding.. but seriously what a jerk. Just go on with your wedding and hope he doesn’t go.

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