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I voted courthouse because it sounds like that is really what you want to do. It seems like you and your FI will be more comfortable with that than a 'real' wedding. However, I must say I would jump for joy if my FI's family gave me that offer :) Good luck!
I think your FI's original suggestion is a good compromise between both extremes, so I'd stick with that. Thank your FILs for the offer, but explain that you've both decided that a small wedding is better for you personally, regardless of financial reasons.
If you and your FI have already agreed on what you want, you both need to have the courage of your convictions and thank them for their offer and decline.
Randy from SYTTD was on our local TV station the other day and he said " If a couple is mature enough to get married, they need to be mature enough to have the wedding they want." That may mean ( and often does) standing up to parents who have a different vision.
If the FIL's really want to host a celebration, they could host a reception at some date after you return from your honeymoon and they can make all the decisions, not you.
I vote for your plan of the courthouse and dinner. It seems to be the best compromise between you and FI's wants. Though its very kind of FI's family to offer to pay, there are so many things that can go wrong with this plan. The first is that wedding planning is stressful. If you didn't want an elaborate affair to begin with any potential problem that may arise from the planning will be even that much harder. FI's family may expect certain demands since they are paying. Lastly, the wedding will put you and your FI dead center in the spotlight which you seem to not be comfy with.
Even though it's lovely of his family to offer, it's not what you want. Go with your heart!
I agree that you should go with your initial plan. That's what you both really want!
If you don't want to, fine. However, your reasons for not wanting a wedding aren't really that great for not considering it. A wedding is a hassle. It does cost money. Not many people like to be the center of attention. However, it's a once-in-a-lifetime day, something you will remember forever and may regret later. I say, be lucky you don't have an even increased hassle by paying for it and just do it! It can be as easy and low-key as you want it to be, or not. But, if you REALLY want the courthouse wedding because it's what you always envisioned, go for it...just don't let a little work discourage you from a bigger wedding...parents dream of this day just as much as we do, so it's a big deal for them too!
@theoddbride: Well, no need to worry about running around because of the errands associated withthe wedding because if your FMIL is offering to pay for your wedding (which she is probably doing so she can invite all her family) she is going to bethe one calling the shots. She will always say that her and your FFIL are paying for the wedding and they are going to want a say. If you dont mind her planning the whole thing I say just do it.
Maybe your in laws can organize a wedding party celebration where they can invite more people and you can get a few gifts without it being too much hassle/pressure for you.
I completely understand you. If it's gonan be a big wedding it's going to reflect on you so you'd want to have a say.
A party on the other hand can be turned over to his mom without you having to really worry much about it. Kind of a Jack and Jill wedding shower after the fact (or before the fact even)
Stick to your guns and do what will make you and your FI happy. It's your day, you've already come to a mature adult compromise and found a solution you're both happy with. I second a PPs suggestion. If his parents want the whole shebang, let them plan it, but for after you return from your honeymoon. No mess and no stress for you two!
Thanks for all the feedback. I agree and have thought about some of the suggestions may of you mentioned.
I think part of the problem was that alot of other people (our family and friends) were teling me and FI we were crazy for not letting his family throw us a wedding. It can be difficult to stick to your guns when everyoorne else around you is telling you that are flat out wrong.
Culture does play a role in it as well. I am 1st generation American, FI is 2nd generation American and between our different cultural and religious backgrounds there is an expectation that a wedding is not just about the couple but also about the families and the communities coming together. Both FI and I are pretty Americanized and younger so our view on things can be quite different from what other people around us view.
Me and FI and his family have talked about different options, I just kind of felt fatigued from talking so much, I wanted to elicit other opinions from people aren't emotionally invested in the outcome. Thanks for the all suggestions and feedback, I LOVE THE BEE! I will definitely have to talk to FI alone, again and really figure out what we want to do. I'll update you all. thanks hive.
you bolded all your cons..... i think that's telling. courthouse + small dinner. ask his fam if they'll give you that money for the honeymoon instead ;)... jk!
Does the FI's family think the reason you're having a more private dinner is due to money? Maybe they're offering to pay because they think that a larger ceremony/reception is what you want, but cannot provide for yourselves. If so, then it should be really easy to shut that down and do exactly what you two want to do.
It sure sounds like you'd rather have the less expensive & more intimate wedding. Go for it!
Your FI's original suggestion is exactly what I wanted (for the record, I'm having *and paying for* a "real wedding" because FI's parents wanted one- and those are the exact words they used, too!). I'd say go for it if it's what YOU really want. Don't forget, $=strings, and you don't need to be butting heads with FI's mother over stuff that isn't that important to you just because she holds the purse strings.
I think I'd be offended if someone claimed the wedding I was planning wasn't "real". Going to the courthouse or eloping or having a destination wedding doesn't make you any less married than having a full mass & blowout reception into all hours of the night. You're still married, and at the end of the day that's what matters. Do what YOU and YOUR FI will be able to look back on in 10 years and be happy with.
I agree with having the wedding you want, but also to allow the parents to have the celebration they want at another time.
What does your FI want? If both of you are happy with the courthouse+dinner wedding, go for it! Although thejill has a good point . I'd say talk to your FI, then talk to his parents to figure out their angle.
@DaneLady: I agree! If someone gets married, it's a wedding. I'd be pissed if someone said that about my wedding.
I voted courthouse + 30 people. But I wanted to propose the alternative of a beach/backyard wedding with a similarly small guest count. FI's family might feel differently about a "real" ceremony, compared to a courthouse ceremony.
Stand your ground. We chose to elope for many of the same reasons. There is no need to have a big wedding, even if money is no object, if you're not into it. I wanted a small wedding, started planning and it turned into being huge, I became miserable and now we're eloping.
I would go ahead w/ your plan to have a courthouse wedding and small dinner. You can then do a reception after you return from your honeymoon.
I'm with most folks in offering a compromise. You do the small, intimate event that you wanted, but give his family the opportunity to host a celebration later. It's not just about avoiding the hassle of planning, it gives his family the chance to do things they want. It would essentially be their party, so you don't have to worry about any of your family getting slighted or any potential pitfalls like that when it comes to someone else having control of the pursestrings.
Do what YOU want to do :) regardless of whose money it is, it's still you that has to organise the big wedding, and it's still you that has to have all those people looking at you
Any update? :)
I voted for just doing what you and your FI wanted. We had the same dilemma and that's what we did, but because that's what we wanted and at the end of the day it is our wedding & marriage. We had a lot of talks about how this was basically our first step at defining "us" as a unit seperate from our parents in that we determined how we wanted to get married and stick to it.
I have a feeling I may be soon writing this exact post. I was married before and had a "real wedding" with about 50 people in attendance. It was a PITA. SO had a courthouse wedding and didn't even tell his mom until a week later (SO's ex and mom didn't get along). Now that we are discussing getting married I'm sure she's going to want a "real wedding." I'd say that I may luck out because SO's brother is getting married in September and that may take some of the pressure off. But, SO's mom has said that she wants "two weddings in a year." Ugh...
BTW: I LOVE Daria. SO will often start singing the the theme song to me when he thinks I'm being overly cynical.
Hahahahaha, you only gave "cons" so I think you made your decision! The right thing to do is what is right for you and your FI!
Playing Devil's advocate, maybe you could invite a few more people? Do a smaller ceremony (maybe that's what FIs parents are missing?) and then only invite friends to the reception?
not to be completely crass about it, but with regards to the money: more than likely, with inviting all those people, you will get far more gifts than covers the $40k. and since you are not paying for it, your only investment will be some time and effort. since its not your money, you won't have to worry about getting the best bang for your buck, because its not your bucks! so you can be less choosy. and since his family is paying for it, you can let them take a big part of the central stage.
just a contrary view! i would love to get married, just the two of us, in a lovely DW wedding but was told this would cause too manu hard feelings amongst the families so I am trying to look on the bright side here!
Update: Thanks for you all the advice. @Sugaree: Thanks for the Daria shoutout (lol).
Anywho after much deliberation, me and FI decided to take alot the advice given here by you Bees that we hadn't even thought of. We are going to have the small courthouse wedding and the small dinner like we planned, and FI parent's are going to throw us a "reception party" where they can eat and dance the night away celebrating their son's marriage with their tons of friends! Thanks guys! Like alot of you said, I did know what side I was leaning towards but sometimes you can feel crazy when you (and FI) are the only ones voting for something.
Thanks for all the feedback! Happy Friday!
I have a similar situation. Our plan is to have a small couthouse ceremony with just our immediate families in the morning, family lunch, then an evening reception/party with extended family and friends all in Austin (where we live).My fiance let it slide that he LOVES weddings when I suggested an elopement...not mention his family was not onboard.
Its all about compromise. Of course for some reason, my future mother in law feels as if our plans are too small (aiming for 150 or less at the party), so she is throwing a belated reception in NY (where they live).Regardless, I'm letting them pay for whatever they like...as long as I get my small ceremony I'll be happy.
Sorry...that was a bit of a rant. Good luck with your plans!
Yay! I'm glad you are doing what you both want, with a compromise. The courthouse/dinner wasn't my bag, but I think they are lovely! And having a reception/party after will be fun :)
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OK folks so here is the situation. FI and have been talking about getting married since before we were engaged. I wanted to do a courthouse wedding, head to our honeymoon and call it a day. FI wanted to have family/friends celebrate with us so we agreed to get married at the courthouse and have a nice small dinner ~30 people. NOW, his family is offering to pay for a "real" wedding with 100-120 people. I appreciate that his parents are being so generous but when I think about, it just doesn't seem worth the hassle for me. At the same time, I recognize that this day is not just about me, but also FI. And to FI our marriage is also about celebrating our love with friends and family.
Here are the cons: 1. Money- Yes, I know it is not my money. But honestly, with all the student loan debt I cannot justify in my head spending that much money on 6 hours even it isn't mine. (FYI, a weddding of this size in our metro area would prob cost at least $40k) 2. Time/Headache - Realistically, I am going to be the one making all the decisions. Running to all the appointments with vendors. FI is indecisive/doesn't care about flowers, venues. It will pretty much be on me including all of the tense interfaith, intercultural issues that are bound to come up. 3. FI and I hate being the center of attention and hosting a wedding is annoying.