Post # 1
OK folks so here is the situation. Fiance and have been talking about getting married since before we were engaged. I wanted to do a courthouse wedding, head to our honeymoon and call it a day. Fiance wanted to have family/friends celebrate with us so we agreed to get married at the courthouse and have a nice small dinner ~30 people. NOW, his family is offering to pay for a “real” wedding with 100-120 people. I appreciate that his parents are being so generous but when I think about, it just doesn’t seem worth the hassle for me. At the same time, I recognize that this day is not just about me, but also Fiance. And to Fiance our marriage is also about celebrating our love with friends and family.
Here are the cons: 1. Money– Yes, I know it is not my money. But honestly, with all the student loan debt I cannot justify in my head spending that much money on 6 hours even it isn’t mine. (FYI, a weddding of this size in our metro area would prob cost at least $40k) 2. Time/Headache – Realistically, I am going to be the one making all the decisions. Running to all the appointments with vendors. Fiance is indecisive/doesn’t care about flowers, venues. It will pretty much be on me including all of the tense interfaith, intercultural issues that are bound to come up. 3. Fiance and I hate being the center of attention and hosting a wedding is annoying.
Post # 3
I voted courthouse because it sounds like that is really what you want to do. It seems like you and your Fiance will be more comfortable with that than a ‘real’ wedding. However, I must say I would jump for joy if my FI’s family gave me that offer 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 4
I think your FI’s original suggestion is a good compromise between both extremes, so I’d stick with that. Thank your Future In-Laws for the offer, but explain that you’ve both decided that a small wedding is better for you personally, regardless of financial reasons.
Post # 5
If you and your Fiance have already agreed on what you want, you both need to have the courage of your convictions and thank them for their offer and decline.
Randy from SYTTD was on our local TV station the other day and he said ” If a couple is mature enough to get married, they need to be mature enough to have the wedding they want.” That may mean ( and often does) standing up to parents who have a different vision.
If the FIL’s really want to host a celebration, they could host a reception at some date after you return from your honeymoon and they can make all the decisions, not you.
Post # 6
I vote for your plan of the courthouse and dinner. It seems to be the best compromise between you and FI’s wants. Though its very kind of FI’s family to offer to pay, there are so many things that can go wrong with this plan. The first is that wedding planning is stressful. If you didn’t want an elaborate affair to begin with any potential problem that may arise from the planning will be even that much harder. FI’s family may expect certain demands since they are paying. Lastly, the wedding will put you and your Fiance dead center in the spotlight which you seem to not be comfy with.
Post # 7
Even though it’s lovely of his family to offer, it’s not what you want. Go with your heart!
Post # 8
I agree that you should go with your initial plan. That’s what you both really want!
Post # 9
If you don’t want to, fine. However, your reasons for not wanting a wedding aren’t really that great for not considering it. A wedding is a hassle. It does cost money. Not many people like to be the center of attention. However, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime day, something you will remember forever and may regret later. I say, be lucky you don’t have an even increased hassle by paying for it and just do it! It can be as easy and low-key as you want it to be, or not. But, if you REALLY want the courthouse wedding because it’s what you always envisioned, go for it…just don’t let a little work discourage you from a bigger wedding…parents dream of this day just as much as we do, so it’s a big deal for them too!
Post # 10
@Tostones: Well, no need to worry about running around because of the errands associated withthe wedding because if your Future Mother-In-Law is offering to pay for your wedding (which she is probably doing so she can invite all her family) she is going to bethe one calling the shots. She will always say that her and your Future Father-In-Law are paying for the wedding and they are going to want a say. If you dont mind her planning the whole thing I say just do it.
Post # 11
Does you Fiance want to have the big wedding?
Post # 12
Maybe your in laws can organize a wedding party celebration where they can invite more people and you can get a few gifts without it being too much hassle/pressure for you.
I completely understand you. If it’s gonan be a big wedding it’s going to reflect on you so you’d want to have a say.
A party on the other hand can be turned over to his mom without you having to really worry much about it. Kind of a Jack and Jill wedding shower after the fact (or before the fact even)
Post # 13
Stick to your guns and do what will make you and your Fiance happy. It’s your day, you’ve already come to a mature adult compromise and found a solution you’re both happy with. I second a PPs suggestion. If his parents want the whole shebang, let them plan it, but for after you return from your honeymoon. No mess and no stress for you two!
Post # 14
Thanks for all the feedback. I agree and have thought about some of the suggestions may of you mentioned.
I think part of the problem was that alot of other people (our family and friends) were teling me and Fiance we were crazy for not letting his family throw us a wedding. It can be difficult to stick to your guns when everyoorne else around you is telling you that are flat out wrong.
Culture does play a role in it as well. I am 1st generation American, Fiance is 2nd generation American and between our different cultural and religious backgrounds there is an expectation that a wedding is not just about the couple but also about the families and the communities coming together. Both Fiance and I are pretty Americanized and younger so our view on things can be quite different from what other people around us view.
Me and Fiance and his family have talked about different options, I just kind of felt fatigued from talking so much, I wanted to elicit other opinions from people aren’t emotionally invested in the outcome. Thanks for the all suggestions and feedback, I LOVE THE BEE! I will definitely have to talk to Fiance alone, again and really figure out what we want to do. I’ll update you all. thanks hive.
Post # 15
you bolded all your cons….. i think that’s telling. courthouse + small dinner. ask his fam if they’ll give you that money for the honeymoon instead ;)… jk!
Post # 16
Does the FI’s family think the reason you’re having a more private dinner is due to money? Maybe they’re offering to pay because they think that a larger ceremony/reception is what you want, but cannot provide for yourselves. If so, then it should be really easy to shut that down and do exactly what you two want to do.