Post # 1
Well last night was a crushing blow to FI, I actually had to watch him break down crying…
His father and new step mother live way down in Ottawa which is a several hour drive away. His father always comes up for Thanksgiving as his parents live up here, so it shouldn’t have been an issue for him to stay a few extra days to attend the wedding. But last night he sent him a facebook message (of all things) to tell him he won’t be coming to the wedding next year.
His father has let him down a lot but this takes the cake, this is his only child and it would mean the world to him to have his father there. We hadn’t even sent out invitations yet (not even STDs) and he has already went out of the way to decline. Since FI wasn’t able to compose himself I grabbed the computer and typed a message right back to him – letting him know it was me. I asked him to give me a specific reason why he is unable to attend his only sons wedding that is almost a year away, what could possibly be more important than this day… his response (after all the nitpicking about how he didn’t owe me an answer) was that they want to go to the Hawaii with his new wife next October and won’t be in Canada during Thanksgiving.
I refrained from responding just because I was now like a kettle with steam out of my ears and FI was still crying a bit (which is very hard to watch). I am at a complete loss about this. He was depending on his father coming down and thought his dad would be proud of him, but now he thinks he doesn’t give a damn about him at all and could care less about his wedding day.
The thing is that his dad invited him (not me though) to his wedding this past summer. He never mentioned a word about it before but that it was going to be in Cuba NEXT summer and that he’d be paying for a plane ticket for FI to go down with them. But apparently they changed their mind to a backyard wedding with a BBQ reception. He sent the invitation with only 2 weeks notice of the wedding and FI asked him if he was paying for a bus or plane ticket – he wasn’t going to pay for anything. FI was again crushed because his father knew he couldn’t afford to take time off of work and spend hundreds of dollars to show up for that wedding, so he missed it.
I don’t even know what to do. FI has been miserable all day and his entire mood towards our wedding has changed. He doesn’t care who comes and is starting to wonder what the point is of having a big wedding if his own father won’t even come. I am trying to be supportive and tell him it isn’t the end of the world but I honestly don’t even know what to say. It is taking everything not to message his father back and rip a chunk right out of him for this.
Post # 3
@JessicaJupiter: That is so sad. Im so sorry for you and mostly your poor FI. Sounds like he is doing this out of revenge for missing his? 2 weeks notice though, what does he expect?
I would message back and say “I have never seen your son so devastated. I really hope you change your mind”.
Post # 4
@JessicaJupiter: This is clearly in retaliation for FI missing his father’s wedding. (In my opinion).
How far was it to the father’s wedding? Even with only 2 weeks’ notice, as an outsider it looks to me like he should have been able to get there somehow. His father appears to be very hurt over this.
I’m not sure how to repair this. Perhaps a personal visit to his dad, kind of in lieu of missing his wedding?
Post # 5
@paula1248: If it helps his father lives in Ottawa and we live in Timmns which is about an 8 hour drive. The issue is that his father is well aware that he isn’t in the financial situation to buy a bus or plane ticket to get down there to see him and also miss a week of work.
The original arrangement was that in summer of 2014 they were getting married in Cuba, his father knew he wouldn’t be able to afford to make it and promised to pay his plane ticket there (which is much more expensive than a plane/bus ticket to Ottawa). Then it suddenly changed and the inviation came out of nowhere – at first we assumed it was just a BBQ until we read it closely.
FI’s entire family knows that if they want him to visit they need to cover most of the cost for him to travel there as he just doesn’t have the cash to do so – this wasn’t out of the blind to his dad that he couldn’t afford to come on his own. He still can’t visit his dad on his own without using the money I’ve set aside for our own wedding which then puts us in jeapordy of not affording our own wedding.
In all honestly I think this is payback for not being able to come because he has never made plans so far in advance – he is the kind of man who decides next month he’ll take a couple weeks to go to BC or something.
Post # 6
@JessicaJupiter: This is awful. I don’t have any advice, but I really feel for your fiancé. I hope he can get over it.
Post # 7
@MrsBuesleBee: I honestly don’t even know what he was thinking. As I mentioned above he knew very well that FI wasn’t in the financial position to pay to go all the way to Ottawa for a day which would result in almost a week of missing work (doesn’t have vacation pay). FI told him that if he could just pay the bus ticket he’d be able to make it but his father suddenly didn’t want to spend any money on his transportation (even though initially he was willing to pay for a flight to Cuba).
I actually sent them a message back (FI doesn’t even want to talk to him) addressed to both him and his wife explaining how they have emotionally crushed FI who was so proud to have his father at his wedding. I remained civil and also added in how he has truly let his only son down and reminded him that this will hopefully be the only wedding his son ever has so it is really his loss here.
Post # 8
i feel the same way….
FI’s parents might not come
we don’t want his mother there but his father has not committed to coming, wedding is in 6 months.
What really made my FI happy was seeing his guy friends commit to being a groomsmen, something that they barely do for restaurants hw assignments during college, but they’ve already sent in their RSVPs to our website and the invitations weren’t out yet and are already excited about what to wear
give hints to his friends to get excited to be there for him
he needs to know that there are people who care about him (parent or not)
Post # 9
@JessicaJupiter: wow, if I were setting money aside for a wedding, you’d be damned sure I’d take out whatever I needed to go to my own father’s wedding, whether I got 2 weeks notice or two years notice! I don’t think your FIL should have waited so long to announce the date, but I think it’s very rude of your Fi to have asked “well are you paying for my plane ticket” and worse still to have not gone! I think these two men have far deeper problems in their relationship than just who has skipped whom’s wedding.
Post # 10
Just playing devil’s advocate, here. First, the way that he communicated this whole thing is totally inappropriate, and completely insensitive – he’s clearly being childish. My best guess is that it’s a “well you didn’t come to my wedding, so why should I come to yours” tantrum.
Now, with all of that said, is it possible that they had booked this trip before your FI told them the date, and don’t want to change their trip/can’t get their money back? Since you haven’t sent out STD’s, maybe you can say “well, what if it was on a different day, when you were able to make the trip up?” Their answer would at least tell you whether they are mad about/unhappy with the date, or just being impossible. The thing they are having their hissy fit about could be that you didn’t consult them about the date.
Post # 11
I’m not sure how he would have had to miss a week of work to go to a one day event. Even if that event is 8 hours away. But even if his dad is mad that your FI missed it, it’s very petty if he is missing your wedding because of that.
All that aside, I’m so sorry that you and your FI are going through this. We ran into an issue with my DH’s dad a few months ago and it was heart breaking seeing DH so upset. I contacted his dad and basically told him that he was doing the wrong thing. I had a few people tell me not to get involved but I couldn’t stand seeing DH so upset for such an insane reason. Thankfully his dad saw my reasoning and now all is well. I sure hope the same happens for you and his dad shows up.
Post # 12
@Horseradish: +1 Have to say I agree with what was said here. Also, your wedding is on a Wednesday, correct? If your FI couldn’t get time off from work and pay the way to his dad’s wedding, I’m not sure why he’s so surprised that his dad may not be able to do this for him.
Post # 13
Yeah, I would imagine that having your wedding on a Wednesday will make it very difficult for out-of-towners to attend. You’re basically asking them to take half a week off from work or more. I normally wouldn’t put the father of the groom into the typical “out-of-towners” group, but it sounds like your fiance isn’t very close to his father and that his father may not see your wedding as a big priority to attend.
Post # 14
@Horseradish: He asked because his father had originally offered to pay for a plane ticket to Cuba, it had always been clear when they first discussed it he would need to pay for his transportation – and when the offer wasn’t included in the invitation it had to be brought up. We cannot take our wedding money out as our entire budget is $2000 (all we can afford) and he would need at least $500 for the trip which is really out of the question for us. And that is in addition to the money he loses from missing work.
@Duncan: We had cleared the date with him just about a month ago! He said it was fine as he would be coming down to see his parents as usual and staying late wasn’t a big deal. The date does have importance (which is why we confirmed with him before we set it for sure) but his trip is apparently going to be weeks long and we are not pushing the wedding off by weeks because then we are in snow storm teritory here.
@MrsBeck: This would be a good 2-3 day trip if he took a plane and a day longer if he took the bus. As he doesn’t get weekends off it very well could take away a weeks pay along with the out of pocket cost to travel down. Fingers are crossed that he is just having a moment and will end up attending.
@HannahGrace: It is actually a shock because his father knew that money was tight and he would need a paid trip to make it. This isn’t that he can’t afford to come see us – its that he is suddenly breaking traditional and going on a vacation which was planned after he confirmed the date with us.
@cmbr: His father was the only out of town guest – all other guests are in town and don’t need to take any time off of work to attend. As his father normally comes down for Thanksgiving and had no problem staying when we told him it was a non issue. It seems more like he planned this trip intentionally to overlap our wedding date.
Post # 15
@JessicaJupiter: Nor should you move the wedding; he knowingly scheduled his trip during that time, making it abundantly clear that the trip is more important. I believe the message is “my wife is far more important than you think you are.” I’m very sorry. Perhaps suggest your FI’s dad go eat a bag of d*cks?
Post # 16
@Duncan: I just showed that comment to FI and it actually put a smile on his face!!! I was so tempted to actually get vulgar with him when he said he had just planned a trip over that date when he knew full well our wedding was there! I am even starting to wonder now if this perhaps just some sort of game to see how FI reacts to it…