Post # 1
Word on the street is that my fiance’s grandmother will “be upset” if we don’t get married in a church.
FI and I haven’t been to church in YEARS (not even on holidays) and while we each have personal relationships with God, neither one of us is involved in the Catholic Church. All along we’ve been visualizing an outdoor, casual ceremony.
Granted we aren’t getting married for over a year so we have time to figure this out, but WWYD? Part of me thinks it’s not a HUGE deal and maybe we should just do it to please her because she’s not going to live forever, but it really isn’t what I or fiance wants. How do we gently tell her no? His grandparents tend to get their own way a lot and he’s the first grandchild getting married.
Post # 3
unless she’s paying for the whole wedding, go with what you want. you can’t please everyone.
Post # 4
That’s what I told Fiance. I said that the only two people we need to worry about pleasing are him and me. Hopefully he will listen and not let himself fall into a trap of guilt!
Post # 5
Honestly, if you don’t feel its right for you, don’t do it. To please grandma, are you going to stand in front of everyone you know and promise to raise your future children Catholic, knowing you don’t want to/probably won’t? Yes, she might be a bit upset, but she’ll get over it.
Post # 6
Maybe there’s a way to compromise on this like have a priest do your ceremony outside. Honetly, I wouldn’t worry about what she wants too much, especially if she’s the only one.
As for me, I was raised by my grandparents, am their first grandchild, and got married outside even though my granddad hated the idea. In the end, he wasn’t paying for it, so we did what we wanted, where we wanted.
Post # 7
She might get upset, but I’m sure she will get over it. Or maybe you will have to deal with her whining about it at every family function. But would that be worse than not having a wedding ceremony that is meaningful to you and your FI?
Post # 8
I would not kowtow to her wishes/demands, because this wedding is about you and your FI, not her. And you know what? I’m almost positive she’ll get over it, and be so excited to support you on your big day, that in the moment she’ll totally forget that it’s not in a church.
Post # 9
We do eventually plan on getting our marriage blessed by the church so I told FI we could invite her to that.
I think our ceremony will still have some religious aspects, but if we had a whole Catholic mass it would be totally forced and NOT us.
Thanks for the support!!
Post # 10
This is tough. On the one hand, as a praticing Catholic, I totally get why it’s important to Grandma that you be married in the Church. On the other hand, it is not her wedding. It is yours and your FI’s wedding.
While I certainly think that we shold take our families’ thoughts and wishes into considersation (e.g., I chose blue bridesmaid’s dresses because my sister feels her best in blue), this is a bit different. Honoring Grandma’s wishes would change your entire vision of your wedding.
A compromise might be to have the wedding you want and agree to have your marriage later convalidated by the Church. But I hesitate to even suggest this if you really don’t even identify as Catholic.
Would Grandma maybe feel better if you had some type of minister preside over your outside wedding (rather than a civil officiant?) I’m guessing not, but maybe some type of clergy blessing might help?
In the end, unless Grandma is financing things, she really has no say. It is your wedding and you should have the wedding you want and are comfortable with.
Post # 11
We had a similar situation–both of our grandparents wanted us to get married in a church, but neither of us have been to church in years. When I started looking for Catholic churches to get married in, I found that all the churches nearby wanted us to either 1)be active members of said church or 2)get exclusive permission from the Catholic church in which we are active members. Since we are not “active” at any Catholic church, we decided just to have the ceremony at our reception venue and we are very happy with it. The Catholic church frowns upon people who are not members using their church for wedding services, and I agree with you that it just seems wrong to get married somewhere that you are not really a welcome member of the community.
I like what you decided about getting the wedding “blessed” by the church–maybe we could do this too.
Post # 12
I would avoid talking about your wedding plans with that grandmother as much as possible. Hopefully by the time the issue does arise it will be too late (many chruches require 6 months to a year advanced notice, right?
Post # 13
Meh, do what you want. As a friend told her grandmother, “God does not just exist in the church…he is everywhere, including outside.”
Post # 14
My grandpa refused to come to my wedding if it wan’t in the church. My wedding was outdoors, performed by a secular officiant. He stayed home. His loss, not mine! You need to do what will make you the most comfortable, and everyone else just needs to deal with it!
Post # 16
I’m in a slightly similar situation. FI’s brother is adamant FI and I need to be married in a church. It had escalated to the point where FBIL said our marriage would be doomed, he won’t be in support of our marriage, etc. FI and I had a serious conversation as to whether or not FBIL should even be invited to the wedding because his comments were so hurtful. I’m sure there are also some family members who are also thinking these things, just not saying them. For the record, FI and I consider ourselves spiritual.
FI and I have chosen to continue with our outdoor ceremony (with our friend officiating) as planned. We have chosen and written a ceremony that is reflective of how we view marriage in general and to each other. By choosing the ceremony we wanted, we felt as though we were respecting ourselves, our views, our relationship, and our future marriage.
This is YOUR wedding ceremony and only YOU and your FI need to be comfortable with it.
I hope this helps and good luck.