Post # 1
We are getting married at the courthouse this Friday. We told Fi’s parents several months ago that were were doing this, on this day and it seems as if they didn’t take us seriously and his mom was insisting that we have some sort of wedding/celebration…they haven’t brought it up since. Well, FI called his mom yesterday to remind her and she started crying, saying that she wished a minister would marry us and that she wished she could be there for our special day. We didn’t invite anyone and want it to just be us and DD, so while I understand she’s dissappointed, I don’t really feel bad because we told them this from the beginning. She also went on to say that she wants a minister to marry us later on. I do not want to do this because I am in no way religious and I just think it’s pointless to be married by a minister, when we’re already married. FI doesn’t care either way but we are going to see his parents on Sunday and he thinks that his mom will bring it up again. I’m not sure how to tell her that I don’t want to be married by a minister because she is very pushy (but sweet) and I’m not sure how to let her down easy…Help!
Post # 3
Are you going to have a party to celebrate your marriage at all?
For the minister thing, just say, “Betsy, we’re not going to be married by a minister. We want to be married legally, and don’t need a minister for that. I’m sorry.”
Post # 4
@peachacid: We don’t have any plans to celebrate with other people. We’re expecting a baby and don’t want to spend money on frivilous things (like a party) for other people.
Post # 5
Man that’s rough. I’m all for trying to accommodate others, but it gets tough with religion when you are in no way religious. I’m sure my own mother wouldn’t have considered our wedding “real” if a minister hadn’t been present. The only reason one was is that due to the laws of the state I live in, it is difficult to have a non-religious wedding. I compromised by hiring a minister and writing a non-religious ceremony for the wedding. But, if that hadn’t been the way the laws worked around here, our wedding would have been entirely secular.
At least by Sunday you can say that you are already married, and that’s good enough for you. She doesn’t have to like it. It isn’t her marriage.
Post # 6
If his mom brings it up, say that you’re already married, and don’t need to get married a second time.
Post # 7
@bluegreenjean: That’s my point exactly, but then she cries and makes FI feel bad!!!!
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2010 - parent's backyard
you and your husband are just going to have to stand up to her and be polite but firm. she’s being rather passive aggressive about it, since she’s acting like it’s a problem now instead of telling you months ago when you announced your plans. be sure to remind her that you alredy told her your plans a long time ago.
sorry she cries and makes your FI feel bad, but not everything in life is fun. she’s going to have to deal with your decisions, and you might have to put up with some tears.
Post # 9
It doesnt really matter what she wants cause it’s not her marriage. Not sure why people don’t understand simple concepts like that *eyeroll*. Just hold your ground. You don’t need a minister to be married!!
Post # 10
You don’t need a minister to marry you but maybe to keep the peace you could have a blessing of your marriage?
If you are going to the courthouse on Friday and then seeing his parents on Sunday maybe you could go a little early and go to church with them on Sunday.
Call and ask the pastor, of your FI parent’s church, if he would be willing to do a blessing of your marriage during the regular service, it should not take more than 10-15 mins. After you talk to the pastor and if he agrees to do it, let it be a surprise to them, I would not tell his parents you are doing this, It would almost be like doing a christening for a child. That way you don’t have to have a reception of any kind.
Hopes this helps give you a little different point of view on it.
Post # 11
I’m sorry you’re stuck in that situation. It’s always a tense moment to explain to a more religious family member that that isn’t what you want for yourself. FI and I are actually found an officiant who just does civil ceremonies. He is very, very, very anti-religion and refused to meet with someone who had “reverend” in their name. I’m not so religious myself, so if people ask me about it, I just say that I would feel very dishonest having any sort of religious ceremony, especially if it didn’t align with my own personal beliefs.
Post # 12
@Ninteenthchance: what if y’all changed it to include your parents? I know that’s not what you originally wanted but you have to remember that things like this are very important to some people’s parents. It’s a big day for them no matter how or where it happens. She’s probably more upset that she wont’ get to see her son get married than the fact that you’re going to the court house.
Post # 13
This is tough. We are in no way religious but he has already made sure his parents are very aware of our intention to not mention the words God, pray, etc during the ceremony. It can be a very tricky conversation, but your FI needs to stand up for you and take the lead in these conversations. I don’t care that he doesn’t care- he knows you do and these are his parents with the big issue. He can say something among the lines of, religion is not part of our lives or relationship and it would feel fake or forced to get married by a religious figure. We have to honor our relationship in the way WE best see fit.
Post # 14
You don’t have to let her down easy.
You’re getting married, it’s a LEGAL thing and if she wanted you to get married by a minister so badly, she could have paid for it.
She’s crying about it because sometimes that works to get her way.
Just cut her crying off (get FI to do it) and say “Mom, we spoke about this. There is no use crying about it, this is what’s best for our family – we’re gettng married at the courhouse, no minister. I’m sorry you’re upset but this isn’t your choice.”
Post # 15
@MissRedneck: I’m sure his parents would appreciate that, however when I say I am non-religious, I mean that I am very anti-religion and I do not/will not be going to church and I don’t want to bring my two year old to such a place either.
@DuckEBee: Thata’s a good idea, I’ll probably say that I’d feel fake being married by a religious figure when I’m not religious at all and we are already married!
@IzzyBear: The problem with that is that my parents live 10 hours away and I don’t want to change it last minute to include his parents and then mine still couldn’t come. My parents were disappointed to not be included too but they understand and I would not do that to them.
Post # 16
@Ninteenthchance: I was thinking along the lines of having both parents come. But that would mean you have to wait until your parents could come. I guess I’m just thinking about it like that because not only would my parents be devestated about not being there, I couldn’t imagine doing that to them. But it sounds like your parents have come to terms with it and his will have to as well. Good luck!