FI's mom is insisting a minister marry us.

posted 3 years ago in Elopement
Post # 3
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Are you going to have a party to celebrate your marriage at all?

 

For the minister thing, just say, “Betsy, we’re not going to be married by a minister.  We want to be married legally, and don’t need a minister for that.  I’m sorry.”

Post # 5
Member
1421 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Man that’s rough.  I’m all for trying to accommodate others, but it gets tough with religion when you are in no way religious.  I’m sure my own mother wouldn’t have considered our wedding “real” if a minister hadn’t been present.  The only reason one was is that due to the laws of the state I live in, it is difficult to have a non-religious wedding.  I compromised by hiring a minister and writing a non-religious ceremony for the wedding.  But, if that hadn’t been the way the laws worked around here, our wedding would have been entirely secular.

At least by Sunday you can say that you are already married, and that’s good enough for you.  She doesn’t have to like it.  It isn’t her marriage. 

Post # 6
welliesMember
1425 posts
Bumble bee

Congratulations! 🙂

If his mom brings it up, say that you’re already married, and don’t need to get married a second time.

Post # 8
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - parent's backyard

you and your husband are just going to have to stand up to her and be polite but firm. she’s being rather passive aggressive about it, since she’s acting like it’s a problem now instead of telling you months ago when you announced your plans. be sure to remind her that you alredy told her your plans a long time ago.

sorry she cries and makes your FI feel bad, but not everything in life is fun. she’s going to have to deal with your decisions, and you might have to put up with some tears. 

Post # 9
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It doesnt really matter what she wants cause it’s not her marriage. Not sure why people don’t understand simple concepts like that *eyeroll*. Just hold your ground. You don’t need a minister to be married!! 

Post # 10
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

You don’t need a minister to marry you but maybe to keep the peace you could have a blessing of your marriage?

If you are going to the courthouse on Friday and then seeing his parents on Sunday maybe you could go a little early and go to church with them on Sunday. 

Call and ask the pastor, of your FI parent’s church, if he would be willing to do a blessing of your marriage during the regular service, it should not take more than 10-15 mins. After you talk to the pastor and if he agrees to do it, let it be a surprise to them, I would not tell his parents you are doing this,  It would almost be like doing a christening for a child. That way you don’t have to have a reception of any kind.  Wink

Hopes this helps give you a little different point of view on it.

Post # 11
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m sorry you’re stuck in that situation. It’s always a tense moment to explain to a more religious family member that that isn’t what you want for yourself. FI and I are actually found an officiant who just does civil ceremonies. He is very, very, very anti-religion and refused to meet with someone who had “reverend” in their name. I’m not so religious myself, so if people ask me about it, I just say that I would feel very dishonest having any sort of religious ceremony, especially if it didn’t align with my own personal beliefs. 

Post # 12
Member
5997 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Ninteenthchance:  what if y’all changed it to include your parents? I know that’s not what you originally wanted but you have to remember that things like this are very important to some people’s parents. It’s a big day for them no matter how or where it happens. She’s probably more upset that she wont’ get to see her son get married than the fact that you’re going to the court house.

Post # 13
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This is tough. We are in no way religious but he has already made sure his parents are very aware of our intention to not mention the words God, pray, etc during the ceremony.  It can be a very tricky conversation, but your FI needs to stand up for you and take the lead in these conversations. I don’t care that he doesn’t care- he knows you do and these are his parents with the big issue.  He can say something among the lines of, religion is not part of our lives or relationship and it would feel fake or forced to get married by a religious figure.  We have to honor our relationship in the way WE best see fit.

Post # 14
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You don’t have to let her down easy.
You’re getting married, it’s a LEGAL thing and if she wanted you to get married by a minister so badly, she could have paid for it.

She’s crying about it because sometimes that works to get her way.
Just cut her crying off (get FI to do it) and say “Mom, we spoke about this. There is no use crying about it, this is what’s best for our family – we’re gettng married at the courhouse, no minister. I’m sorry you’re upset but this isn’t your choice.”

Post # 16
Member
5997 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Ninteenthchance:  I was thinking along the lines of having both parents come. But that would mean you have to wait until your parents could come. I guess I’m just thinking about it like that because not only would my parents be devestated about not being there, I couldn’t imagine doing that to them. But it sounds like your parents have come to terms with it and his will have to as well. Good luck!

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