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You shouldn't have included her as a BM. If he wanted her in the wedding she should be standing up for him.
@msbeehave: You don't sound selfish at all. You are obviously stressed, and unfortunately your FSIL seems like the root of the issue. She sounds... terrible to say the least. I know this sounds weird, but she sounds very passive aggressive-which is a big pain in the butt, however it is better than the plotting, maniacal FSIL that tries to sabotage your wedding. Put your foot down about the tea length dresses. Just say, "FSIL, I am really sorry that you are uncomfortable with showing your legs but I have had my heart set on tea-length dresses from the start. It would really mean a lot to me if you wore it for my and your brother's big day."
Secondly, you're investing WAY too much emotion in this lady, who may or may not unstable lol. Start being all business with her. Do not let your feelings get hurt, ignore catty comments, just keep your eye on the prize (your FI).
Good luck and you will be able to breathe a sigh of relief when it is all said and done and you have the man of your dreams.
You're not sounding childish, but you are sounding like you are letting this woman's problems be your problems.
You don't have to live with her. You don't even have to like her! Just carry on planning your wedding and your life together and don't let her jaded view of the world suck the joy out of the experience.
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: Thank you! I needed to hear that. Not having her in the wedding is not an option. I'd rather deal with it and avoid family drama. His mom's side of the family would FLIP if we left his poor pathetic sister out of the wedding. I have been trying to keep it just business, like you said. I told her where to go to get her measurements done and the dress ordered and asked her to do it this week so the rest of them could be ordered as well. All I can do is keep things simple and try to focus on wedding planning.
That sucks!
I wish ppl would let you have your day and not think about it as if it is their day.. they are there to help you! No one will even be looking at her.. EVERYONE will be looking at how beautiful you are!!
and ppl arnt going to be looking at her legs.. besides most pics are of waist up. and if not they are from a distance.
DONT budge. dont change something for her that you wouldnt change for someone else.
Your wedding is about you not about your bridesmaids!
hope it sorts out enough so you dont have many problems.. :)
I understand that this is extrememly stressful for you, however with her currently going through a divorce you are now exposing what a big fat lie her life was and I am sure there is some resentment there. She just came out of a failed marriage. I can understand that she is not in the best frame of mind for your wedding. Please try looking at it from her point of view as well.
@vmec: I agree.
Why can't she stand up on his side? Then she could do a different dress or whatever she wants. Of course the larger issue is that she's going through a hard time that has nothing to do with you. Try to be as sensitive as you can until the wedding is over, and don't take her outbursts or her comments personally.
@Storm0075: I have tried to remain senstive about her situation. I don't think it's fair that she looks at our wedding as a slap in the face or as a reminder that her marriage failed. If she does, that isn't my fault. I know she is going through a hard time. Something I can't even begin to imagine, but should I lessen my happiness or try to not talk about my wedding in front of her? I don't think that's very fair to me or FI
@msbeehave: Is it fair? Nope. But she is family. And for family you make certain allowances. If she had been a miserable biotch for years that would be one thing. But she is suffering now and not in a good place mentally. I understand that not having her in your wedding is not an option. So just grin and bear it. Have you ever gotten out of a failed relationship and been around a happy couple. It can be downright torutre. And you are in a happiness bubble that she cannot face at the moment. You will have to either accept it or not.
I agree, she's his sister, she should stand on his side. And sorry, but if she wants to part of the bridal party, she needs to wear what you want, because its your wedding. I understand she is going through a divorce, but that doesn't mean you need to walk on eggshells around her.
@Storm0075: I think OP is trying to be as accomodating as possible. Divorce is hard, but there is no reason for the SIL to act the way she is. She could have simply asked the brother if he was sure he was doing the right thing, and when he said yes, she should have left it at that.
You're not being childish, she is.
You really should ask her not to be in the wedding party and save yourself some headache. Explain to her that you don't feel she is being supportive of your marriage and you only want people standing up with you that fully support you and your FI. Tell her you would love her to be a part of the big day, but you don't want to deal with all the stress that she is bringing.
Perhaps your FI can take her aside and tell her that you're both there for her and you love her, but you would appreciate it if she could keep the negative comments to the two of you to a minimum because they are hurtful.
@Storm0075: Problem--She HAS been miserable for years. Her divorce was final at the end of last year but they've been separated for longer. She has been dating a few people in between as well. I'm beginning to believe she is using this as an excuse because she doesn't want her brother to get married because hers didn't work out.
I am sorry she's a jerk. I can honsetly say that your best bet is to just ignore her. She is being very rude, thinking only of herself...not taking your feelings into consieration...but sometimes you just gotta let haters be haters. Don't waste any more energy concerning yourself about her...I'm sure that family sees that she's being rude.
@msbeehave: Please don't misunderstand me here. I can certainly see where she is being a pain in the butt. Since I am not in the situation myself I can see both sides of the situation. If they are as close of siblings as you say they are then I can understand her concern for her brother. In her eyes all marriages are doomed and until she is happy again unfortunately that is her philosophy. Does it make dealing with her easy? oh heck no.
My FMIL absolutely adored me for the past 17 years. I was always who she wanted her son to marry. Now anything mentioned about the wedding jsut pisses her off. I have no idea why and frankly have too much else on my plate to worry about it. So I only bring up the wedding with her when necessary. Is it fair? no. But you do what you have to do.
Ask yourself this. In the end is it worth making a fuss over? If it is then by all means kick her out of the wedding or chance that talking to her about her behavior will make a differnece. If it is not worth it in the long run then jsut grin and bear it. If she becomes worse then FI will see it and will eventually say something. This affects his future relationship with her as well, not just yours.
You don't sound selfish or childish at all. You shouldn't have to deal with an over dramatic FSIL who seems set on being bitter and difficult on top of everything else that comes with planning a wedding.
Don't budge on anything, make sure all the decisions you make are yours and that you're happy with them. Sure, listen to suggestions or genuine concerns but make up your own mind and have the final say, don't be worried about pacifying her, especially after all the spiteful crap she's pulling.
@msbeehave: She is bitter because none of her marriages worked out and her brother is happy. She is envious, jealous and you are not being selfish. The best thing to do is to keep your head up, keep your FI happy and let her stay in Bitter Town because is the mayor for sure!
I totes agree with the above sentiments. Talk to your fiance first and voice your concerns about having her stand up there with you. If you don't want her there, make sure you have his support first (so she can't use it to drive you two apart). Then have a very clear discussion with her. Tell her this is your and her brother's wedding. If she doesn't like what you want for maids, she doesn't have to walk. If she doesn't agree with the wedding, she doesn't have to come. It'll suck having the convo with your fiance and her, but it'll save you so much stress leading up to the day.
If this were a friend, I would say to write her off and disclude her. However, when it comes to a soon-to-be family member, it's a bit more complicated. I would do a couple things in this situation: 1) don't personalize her anti-marriage sentiment. She's been divorced and clearly that still stings. I don't think she means to insult you or your impending marriage, but she is jaded about the whole thing and can't see past that enough to support you, which sucks, but oh well. 2) you included her in the bridal party and dress search as a courtesy and nothing more. She is not the decision-maker. All you can do now is stick to your guns. Don't give her special accomodations. If you want a tea-length dress, do tea length. If you want the BM's to have the same hairstyle, do it, etc. I think its great to take her body shape into account (I am doing the same for my BM's) but realize that you can't please everyone, so don't stress. Ultimately, it's up to her to suck it up, but just recognize that her issues are exactly that, HER issues, not yours...so try to enjoy yourself!
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A little background first:
FI grew up the oldest of 3 boys, and with one older sister. They are about a year apart but grew up very close. There parents divorced when they were young, and being the oldest two, they did alot for their mom and siblings. I am an only child, and their relationship is hard for me to understand due to that fact. Still though, from the beginning, I respected their relationship and have always been grateful FI is close to his family...till this whole wedding planning fiasco started...
His sister is coming out of her 2nd divorce and has a small child from that marriage. When FI started discussing wedding plans (before the ring) she pulled him aside and told him to be very sure before he proposed. This rubbed me the wrong way but I thought, "Ok, she's bitter about marriage due to her situation and she doesn't want her brother to get hurt". I get it. Then comes the actual engagement. FI proposed a few months after we discussed with our families just thinking about getting married (we had talked about it between the two of us for about a year and a half) Even though the family figured it would come eventually, he didn't tell anyone he was going to propose when he did. He asked me to text his sister--we were in another state on vacation--to tell her the news. I did and she didn't respond. Then, when I changed my relationship status on Facebook to engaged, she commented with an extremely over the top "CONGRATS!!! I'M SO HAPPY THE TWO OF YOU ARE SO HAPPY TOGETHER, MY HEART IS FILLED TO THE TOP BECAUSE I AM JUST THRILLED FOR YOU GUYS. CANT IMAGINE TWO PEOPLE MORE MEANT TO BE!!!!!" This is very unlike her because she doesn't show much excitement towards our relationship and never has.
A few weeks after we were engaged, we took a long weekend trip to the town he is from and went to have dinner at his aunt's house. As soon as we got there everyone wanted to see my ring and hear his proposal story. His sister never once asked to look at the ring or told us congratulations. Keep in mind, we had not talked to her since the unanswered text message or the Facebook comment, which I hardly consider communicating. While we discussed with them what we planned to do for our wedding, she spent the entire time playing with her phone. I guess she had enough of hearing about it and suddenly burst in to tears complaining of a migraine. Everyone tended to her and the subject was dropped for the rest of the evening. This woman is 31 years old.
All that I've written could so far be considered selfish or childish on my part, until you hear this..none of the above would bother me, or even be noticed by me until this happened:
FI met up with his sister for lunch one weekend while I was spending time with an old friend. He comes home and tells me they had an okay lunch and didn't want to say much more. I finally convinced him to tell me what was wrong and he says his sister pretty much kept pushing to make sure he wanted to marry me and begged him to tell her if he had been pressured (by me) into getting a ring. He repeatedly told her no and felt extremely uncomfortable. At the end of the lunch she said, "I do hope the two of you are happy, I just don't believe in marriage so I don't think you should have to marry the girl to make her happy. I hope you don't think this is a forever thing"
UM---OK? So FI feels really odd about it all and leaves things as they are. He didn't want to tell me originally because he knew my feelings would be hurt. He was right. The next time I saw her I wanted to scream. THEN I find out from FI's first cousin, who they grew up with from birth basically, that his sister told the entire family when we bought our house she would've KILLED FI if he had put me on the loan because he shouldn't trust me with something like that. Okay, I am on the loan, to show you how much she actually knows about our life.
It shouldn't bother me because I know my fiance does not feel the same way his sister does, by any means, and I should only care about what he thinks. But the problem is, he wants his sister in our wedding party. Fine. Great. So, when asking my five girls to be bridesmaids, I made them all a sweet card telling them why I wanted them to be involved in the wedding and they all thanked me and were so excited. Even before I asked them, the four others constantly kept in touch with me asking wedding details because they genuinely care and want to help. Not FI's sister. Tell me how this makes sense...she's never discussed the wedding or our engagement to either of us--in fact, when we discuss it in front of her she changes the subject--yet, she made a comment to me, before I could ask her to be in the wedding, about what kind of dress she gets to wear. That's right. She assumed she was walking in our wedding before I even asked her. Now she is making demands about the style of the dress because she "only feels comfortable in strapless". She also can only wear her hair a certain way and she surely hopes I don't make them all do the same hairstyles because their hair is different from hers..,etc.
She went from being totally uninterested in our wedding and everything short of trying to talk him out of it, now she wants to be so involved she's making demands? NO thank you.
I nicely invited her to dress shop with me for my dress and for my BM dresses. She opted out of both--for what reason, she wouldn't say. We needed to hurry and pick one so they could be ordered because we are having a shorter than usual engagement. Now, she's been texting me for days to go with her to get fitted for her dress and let me know she hopes it isn't tea length because she hates her legs. I told her well in advance I was doing tea length dresses and wouldn't budge on that. Now she is telling every member of their family she comes across that the dresses are lovely but I didn't consider her body type or flaws so she's getting depressed because she knows she will hate how she looks that day.
I know I am going on and on and probably sound pretty childish but with all the stress on my plate between wedding planning and my very demanding job, I just find it very hard to deal with a BM who doesnt' even support us getting married in the first place! FI has talked to her about it recently and she gave the whole sob story about she's divorced and doesnt want him to go through that. The problem is, he feels sorry for her and doesn't want to push the subject anymore! I can understand a divorce is extremely difficult, but why can't she just be happy for her brother?
I guess I am just venting more than looking for advice here. I know she won't change. I know I will probably have to just suck it up and let go, but she's making it very difficult to bite my tongue!