Weddingbee boards

I have social anxiety so maybe I can help you understand where he's coming from.

It's unfortunately not so easy to just "be social" and "make an effort" like a lot of people say. If he has a genuine disorder, which Social Phobia is, it's beyond simply being shy and not wanting to try. You have to try to understand that for true social phobes, these things are absolutely terrifying. At my worst i was literally too afraid to answer the door, the telephone, and I only shopped in places that had self checkout...as in if I had to face one of these situations, i began having a panic attack, which feels a lot like a heart attack. I know one social phobe who was too afraid to even go to the restroom in college, if his roommates were in the living room between his bedroom and the bathroom door. So to normal people, asking your SO to accompany you to a party is just relaxing and having a good time but for him, it probably feels like you're asking him to walk through an alligator-infested lake. Even counselling is a huge undertaking. Case in point: I went to see a psychiatrist for my social phobia and never came back after the first meeting. The reason? The psychiatrist made me nervous...see the possible catch-22?

With that said, I understand your frustration. It can seem impossible to get anywhere and my ex and I had a lot of fights and emotional grief because I was too afraid to spend time with his family and friends.

It is up to him to change. The most you can do is try to encourage him because I believe the biggest issue is that social phobes are incredibly afraid of rejection - they're usually people-pleasers to the extreme. I think the best you can do is give him a few pep talks now and then to bring him down to the reality that not everyone is judging him the way he thinks, and start him out slow - don't ask him to join large crowds of people. Get him used to one or two of your friends/family at a time and gradually increase his comfort zone. Of course, this is all dependent on his willingness to try. You guys need to sit down and really talk about these hangups and what you're both willing to do to help.

If he can get a customer service job - ANY customer service job, even fast food - it helps. I managed to find a job as a waitress and it's ben a really enlightening experience. My anxiety went down a LOT because I was forced to deal with my fears head on every day, for money. And I had the exact same fear - didn't think I was friendly enough to survive. But if he can somehow learn that he doesn't have to b social and friendly...just courteous, he'll be ok. He doesn't have to talk and bff every customer that comes in. he doesn't ven have to smile all the time. Just be polite. He'll be ok.

If he's not willing to work on his problems, maybe you should think about moving on and consider if you really want to be with him. It's not fair for you to have to carry all of his baggage and get sucked into his hangups if he can't bring himself to meet you half way. If he's been like this for most of his life, his social anxiety will probably never go away completely so chances are that even if he does get help, you'll always find little issues and problems with him socially now and then. It's a matter of how much you're willing to take on and if he's worth the effort.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I have anxiety (not so much social) and sometimes it effects parts of my life that I REALLY wish it didn't.

My fiance can also be pretty shy in large group situations where he doesn't know a lot of people but he seems to be coping better with it recently.

Since you have tried talking to him in the past and he just won't listen or refuses to go to counseling, I would maybe try asking him one more time -- maybe after a really good day/date or when you're both in a good mood. Try saying something like, "Isn't it awesome to feel like this?" and when he responds with "yes," say something like, "you could feel like this all the time (or more often) if you tried counseling?" Maybe it'll make him see it in a different light, instead of bringing it up whenever you're both angry/frustrated (just assuming here). Try to be as patient and understanding and encouraging as you can -- not that you haven't already been patient, but maybe a little extra could go a long way.

If that doesn't work, you may want to try writing him an email or letter. It might sound impersonal, but that way you'll be able to get all of your thoughts and feelings across in a non-accusatory manner. He will also be able to read everything and then digest it instead of just getting angry and yelling or walking away.

Whatever you do, make sure you tell him that there's nothing wrong with him and this problem is not his fault - it's a medical issue but there IS help! The only way it will become his fault is if he doesn't seek help for it. And tell him that it's not just something you want -- tell him he should want a better life for himself too.

If you've exhausted all of your resources, I think you have a right to give him an ultimatum. I usually hate that term/circumstance, but you have a right to be happy too. And his anxiety is obviously preventing him from being happy as well.

Good luck and I hope the situation improves.

@frustratedwithfi: Getting used to the idea is probably his way of saying "building up courage." The flight part of his fight-or-flight system is overactive so he probably needs to mentally prep himself  to talk to someone on the phone, let alone actually go to counselling. Maybe he'd feel better if you could go with him to the appointment and stay in the waiting room for support?

Really happy for both of you that he's taking responsibility for his disorder. It really does get better with practice. If counselling with one psychiatrist doesn't work, remind him that it's not a big deal to request a new one and it happens all the time. Try not to let him get down on therapy all together if he starts getting frustrated.

 “Getting used to the idea is probably his way of saying ‘building up courage.’”

 “I will literally plan out possible conversations weeks in advance so i wont feel to anxious.”

I do the same thing. When I have to make a phone call it could take a few minutes to get myself ready to do it. I will go through possible conversations and out comes in my head before I call. It actually took me a few days to book my wedding dress appointment. Things are never as bad as the things I make up in my head lol but it’s kind of like getting yourself prepared for the worse.

I actually prefer to email someone if I can.  It’s nice because you don’t have to deal with people directly and it takes away the feelings of “what if this happens, what if that happens.” That could be the same reason why your FI decided to email them instead of calling.