FI's stepfather is very disrespectful towards FI

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

What does your FI’s mom say about all this?

 

Post # 4
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Is he simply upset that you stay at his house? I assume your husband still wants a relationship with his mom, how would she feel about you basically not seeing them? Could you just stay at a hotel the next time?

Post # 5
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@skippydarling:  …sure!  Mr. 99’s stepfather is a moron, he’s also immature and over-indulges his children, at the expense of his wife’s (Mr. 99 and his sister)  This dynamic was in place LONG before I ever showed up, and the result of it is a deep seeded resentment between to two groups of siblings, a dysfunctional dynamic where one set of children are spoiled, indulged and treated, while the other set are ignored, mistreated and excluded….this also extends to the treatment of the grandchildren and attendance at their various events and activities…

The whole thing blew up over a year ago and Mr. 99 put his foot down, stated that he would be happy to have a relationship with his mother, but he was through putting up with the step father and step siblings…we never heard from any of them, including Mr. 99’s mother…again.

Although she does show up unannounced from time to time on our doorstep, she refuses to participate in any theraputic treatment with her son to heal the damage her actions, or lack thereof, have created.

 

Post # 7
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’d stay at a hotel.

Post # 10
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

That’s definitely obnoxious behavior, but I probably wouldn’t stop going there over the holiday, especially if that’s a convienent meeting place for him and his siblings!

Post # 11
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I would make it clear to mom that the behavior isn’t going to be tolerated. I’d stay at a hotel. Or if the other sibling lives in the same state as mom, maybe they could host Christmas? Why endure that on what’s supposed to be a happy family day? 🙁

 

Post # 12
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@skippydarling:  …I managed to endure it with a dignified silence for about five years, and one day, after a particularly inappropriate tantrum from the step sister in law, I wished them all the best of luck, and told them to never darken my door again…we were quite through with the theatrics of it all….and showed them all out.

Post # 13
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@skippydarling:  It sounds likes he has Aspergers, it may seem to you (and everyone else) like he is just a rude jerk but perhaps he can’t deal with social situations nor can he deal with changes to his routine.

I know someone like this and whenever people come round he will go straight upstairs and if he has to be downstairs he won’t join in with conversations and complains about people even if they are actually nice because most people annoy him just because they are there.

Sadly this is how this is how your fiances step dad is and this will not change, maybe you need to do some reading up on social anxiety/aspergers so your fiance can understand that he is maybe not intentionally a jerk and that he may have an actual problem and its not his fault but its how his brain is wired.

What can you do though? You can do christmas differently next year, you can arrange a hotel nearby to your fiances mum and sort out a christmas meal at a local restaurant, invite the step dad but be fine if he doesn’t go which he probably won’t. Your fiances mum needs to understand that the current arrangement is not working

Post # 15
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with your FI. It is  his Step-Dad and if he wants to cut him out of his life, he can. And I understand why.

Post # 16
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@skippydarling:  I didnt mean to offend you, I was unaware that otherwise he was good socially, I guess its just that I work within the mental health field and so many people who have mental health issues are very misunderstood… The person I was talking about is certainly not a jerk that doesn’t handle things very well… he literally doesn’t understand the point of conversations or how to interact.

I wasn’t trying to diagnose your finaces step father, I was just saying that maybe he has it, I mean Aspergers is a spectrum because the symptons of aspergers can vary from person to person and range from mild to severe. Just soem of the things you said are symptoms of it and if so then learning about it and understanding that he is just different could be a way of getting your fiance and his siblings to deal with him… I was only trying to be helpful and im sorry if you took this the wrong way?

But anyways due to how he is with other people it does seem very personal and maybe your fiances mum needs to hear that it can’t go on anymore so either she speaks to him and actually does something about it or you start doing christmas differently

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