I was just wondering how long it took for everyone to feel as if they are officially part of their FI's family.
I've known my FI for years but only started joining family functions a year ago. I find that I still feel "out of the loop" with a lot of things and not quite part of the group.
It depends on how much you see them. It always takes time to break into a new group, family or friends. I would suggest you look for ways to bond with them. Maybe you want to have a girls night out with some of them or ask his mother if she would come with yout to help you choose something for the wedding. (If you don't like her and don't want her opinion...this would be a bad idea)
Not sure how long the assimilation will take as each family is different....
I'm finding this very difficult too. Our families are very culturally/socially different. I definitely feel like an outsider because we are an interfaith couple... we don't share the same holidays or traditions. I have a career and the other women in his family have never worked despite all having college degrees. On top of that, they tend to be introverted and keep any kind of emotion bottled up (good or bad... they just don't show any feeling at all). I'm not convinced that I will ever feel like part of "the family".
Depends on what you're looking for - I've been with my FI for 5 years and we get on great. I went on vacation with his mom and my mom last year. But they're still not mine - I don't see how they will be. I feel in the loop, there is definitely a routine. But I'm not sure if it will ever be the same as going to Xmas at my house....
Sorry - it does get better you find out their interests and stuff and have stuff to talk about.
I have no idea. FI is really good about the idea that the two of us (and his two kids) are family now, regardless of the rest of his family. His brother is really nice, and we get along well. His sister is sort of psycho, but nobody gets along with her. His mom is just so happy that the kids have some kind of mother figure again that although I think she likes me there's really no telling. His father (who passed away last year) had Alzheimer's and didn't recognize me half the time, although he also didn't recognize FI about that often.
I don't think it will ever feel like "family." My hope is that we all become reasonably good friends (except FSIL perhaps) and that we like and respect each other. Of course I have a pretty wonderful family of my own, so I don't feel like I'm looking for an extra mom or sibling.
It did take me probably about a year to feel like I was "in" on the family jokes and one-liners. But now (at two and a half year) we have our own inside jokes that they don't get either... We probably see them about every other month.
It's highly variable. For example, FI and I joke that even before we were officially engaged, that I was family. It helps that they live very close and we see them about once a week. We see his extended family about once or twice a year and have definitely gotten closer, but it's not quite the same as visiting my extended family, though I'm definitely part of clan - everyone is warm and welcoming.
Stick with it, try to create bonding opportunities and let the rest shake out how it may.
I woudn't know because my FI was taken from his mom to come to this country by his biological mom's friend. He grew up in an abusive family and so now he has cut all ties with them, but they sad this is that his "adopted mom" refuses to let him know his real parent's name (I still think it's because he was really kidnapped)...he has even tried going back to the country years ago to find her, but it's hard w/o knowing a name...So to make a long story short, he has no biological blood relative here. All the people that will represent his side will be a lot of close friends on our wedding day
Eventually things will get better and you can bond with your new family if they are open enough.
It took me a while to really feel like I fit in. Last year, I went on vacation with his mom, step dad, and brother and that really helped. As far as his dad's family goes, I am just starting to feel like I fit in and we've been together 2 1/2 years. Spending more time with them will definitely help, but just realize that some people aren't very open and it takes them awhile to accept new people.
My mother never felt like one of the gang and she probably never will. She came close when she produced a son (carry on the name), but she continues to feel like the black sheep. I don't really have this problem, both of my husband's parents are deceased and his brothers live about 800 miles away and I have met them once in the four years we have been together.
I am definitley the black sheep. I don't think I'll ever feel real close to my fiance's side... however, I don't really think my fiance feels real connected eithe. He says he is... but I notice he's getting super close to my family. If it happens.. it happens- if not, be polite and do your best to get along.
depends on the family... my dad isn't close to his MIL at all. they don't get along, rarely talk despite the acknowledgement at family gatherings. i, on the other hand, have been close with my MIL and two SILs since a few months into us dating (we've now been together 2.5 years, got married two months ago.)they live thirty minutes from us, while my family lives six hours away. naturally, we spend a lot of time with his family!
while i fit in to their family well, and they invited me to every event and vacation even when we were just dating, it's still not the same as my family. it probably never will be, and that's ok. i enjoy being with them anyways, and it makes me cherish time spent with my family even more.
I was just wondering how long it took for everyone to feel as if they are officially part of their FI's family.
I've known my FI for years but only started joining family functions a year ago. I find that I still feel "out of the loop" with a lot of things and not quite part of the group.
How long should I expect to feel this way?
posted by BriLJL 99 posts 4 months agoIt depends on how much you see them. It always takes time to break into a new group, family or friends. I would suggest you look for ways to bond with them. Maybe you want to have a girls night out with some of them or ask his mother if she would come with yout to help you choose something for the wedding. (If you don't like her and don't want her opinion...this would be a bad idea)
posted by elb 39 posts 4 months agoNot sure how long the assimilation will take as each family is different....
I'm finding this very difficult too. Our families are very culturally/socially different. I definitely feel like an outsider because we are an interfaith couple... we don't share the same holidays or traditions. I have a career and the other women in his family have never worked despite all having college degrees. On top of that, they tend to be introverted and keep any kind of emotion bottled up (good or bad... they just don't show any feeling at all). I'm not convinced that I will ever feel like part of "the family".
posted by MrsPomegranate 72 posts 4 months agoDepends on what you're looking for - I've been with my FI for 5 years and we get on great. I went on vacation with his mom and my mom last year. But they're still not mine - I don't see how they will be. I feel in the loop, there is definitely a routine. But I'm not sure if it will ever be the same as going to Xmas at my house....
Sorry - it does get better you find out their interests and stuff and have stuff to talk about.
posted by gaudior23 157 posts 4 months agoI have no idea. FI is really good about the idea that the two of us (and his two kids) are family now, regardless of the rest of his family. His brother is really nice, and we get along well. His sister is sort of psycho, but nobody gets along with her. His mom is just so happy that the kids have some kind of mother figure again that although I think she likes me there's really no telling. His father (who passed away last year) had Alzheimer's and didn't recognize me half the time, although he also didn't recognize FI about that often.
I don't think it will ever feel like "family." My hope is that we all become reasonably good friends (except FSIL perhaps) and that we like and respect each other. Of course I have a pretty wonderful family of my own, so I don't feel like I'm looking for an extra mom or sibling.
It did take me probably about a year to feel like I was "in" on the family jokes and one-liners. But now (at two and a half year) we have our own inside jokes that they don't get either... We probably see them about every other month.
posted by suzanno 1,976 posts 4 months agoIt's highly variable. For example, FI and I joke that even before we were officially engaged, that I was family. It helps that they live very close and we see them about once a week. We see his extended family about once or twice a year and have definitely gotten closer, but it's not quite the same as visiting my extended family, though I'm definitely part of clan - everyone is warm and welcoming.
Stick with it, try to create bonding opportunities and let the rest shake out how it may.
posted by missm 485 posts 4 months agoI woudn't know because my FI was taken from his mom to come to this country by his biological mom's friend. He grew up in an abusive family and so now he has cut all ties with them, but they sad this is that his "adopted mom" refuses to let him know his real parent's name (I still think it's because he was really kidnapped)...he has even tried going back to the country years ago to find her, but it's hard w/o knowing a name...So to make a long story short, he has no biological blood relative here. All the people that will represent his side will be a lot of close friends on our wedding day
Eventually things will get better and you can bond with your new family if they are open enough.
posted by MsJadey 141 posts 4 months agoIt took me a while to really feel like I fit in. Last year, I went on vacation with his mom, step dad, and brother and that really helped. As far as his dad's family goes, I am just starting to feel like I fit in and we've been together 2 1/2 years. Spending more time with them will definitely help, but just realize that some people aren't very open and it takes them awhile to accept new people.
posted by prettykatie 158 posts 4 months agoMy mother never felt like one of the gang and she probably never will. She came close when she produced a son (carry on the name), but she continues to feel like the black sheep. I don't really have this problem, both of my husband's parents are deceased and his brothers live about 800 miles away and I have met them once in the four years we have been together.
posted by Niki 432 posts 4 months agoI am definitley the black sheep. I don't think I'll ever feel real close to my fiance's side... however, I don't really think my fiance feels real connected eithe. He says he is... but I notice he's getting super close to my family. If it happens.. it happens- if not, be polite and do your best to get along.
posted by maureen9004 259 posts 4 months agodepends on the family... my dad isn't close to his MIL at all. they don't get along, rarely talk despite the acknowledgement at family gatherings. i, on the other hand, have been close with my MIL and two SILs since a few months into us dating (we've now been together 2.5 years, got married two months ago.)they live thirty minutes from us, while my family lives six hours away. naturally, we spend a lot of time with his family!
while i fit in to their family well, and they invited me to every event and vacation even when we were just dating, it's still not the same as my family. it probably never will be, and that's ok. i enjoy being with them anyways, and it makes me cherish time spent with my family even more.
posted by staceyb 178 posts 4 months agoThanks for the comments everyone! I feel a lot better about the situation.
posted by BriLJL 99 posts 4 months ago