Post # 1
I’ve been lurking this site and others for a few weeks trying to gain some perspective and insight on other relationships but finally decided I may need a little further advice.
I’ve been with my Boyfriend or Best Friend for five years now, since I was 19 (he was 21). We’ve been totally in love and best friends ever since. We moved in together about 9 months after we first started dating and we work great together. We’ve lived in a house together (that I own) for a little under three years and really truley live as a married couple. Recently I’ve started to feel that itch in a big way. Maybe it’s just wedding season, or all our friends getting preggers/having little ones, or just my own resolve – you know, growing up.
He and I have definitely talked about marriage and our future, it isn’t really a taboo discussion any longer but a month ago I sort of unintentionally broke down and really let everything out. I told him I was tired of waiting and I just wanted him to show any real interest in marrying me. Our marriage conversations always have an air of fantasy about them…not reality. This conversation ended poorly, essentially I never got any sort of answer from him and it left a lot of questions….he started crying and calling himself a loser…I didn’t exactly know how to respond… …I wasn’t being a bitch or anything…he just sort of let loose as well.
I need to have another conversation with him just to clarify where the hell we are in this relationship. While I’m not a huge girly girl, and tend to take the reigns with most stuff, e.g. being the homeowner; I still kind of need that ring, that moment. I’ve absolutely let him know how I feel about this and don’t want to keep slamming this issue into his face but I still don’t know where he lays. It sucks because I don’t see any sort of rediness in him to take the next step, no real planning, questions or anything – while I’m bursting to make that commitment to him.
I’ve always put more stock into the engagement than the wedding. I could marry in Vegas or a courthouse…I don’t care. While the engagement doesn’t have to be storybook, it is important for me to know that a man is willing to put himself out there and show you his vulnerability and ask the question. I know I would never truley be happy if I were the one to ask.
So where to go from here? Anyone else able to empathise? Anyone else been there? Anyone leave the relationship or take a break?
Sorry for the novel, just needed to get it out there. I would appreciate any advice, suggestions or….*sigh* hugs.
Post # 3
I lived common law with a man for 5 years in my 20s. He didn’t want marriage or long term commitment. I owned the house and really wanted to get married and have a baby. He said that we were happy, we didn’t need the big party to get married and we should save our money for our new deck, etc…
I’ll spare you the details, but he ended up leaving. I should have left him awhile before.
The issue is that he didn’t want to be married. He didn’t share the same goals as me and couldn’t give me what I wanted. We did have a baby together before I actually realized it.
It could be just that you’re young and comfortable, not that he doesn’t want it. I would gently bring it up and see how he reacts. You sound like you have a good thing going on, so hopefully it will go well. 🙂
Post # 4
Im sorry you are dealing with this…alot of ladies on this board have similar stories. I spend from 23yrs old-29yrs old with a man I adored. We never lived together but I was waiting years for him to propose. He never did so finally I decided to leave the relationship. Had I had an open and honest conversation with him maybe I would have left sooner. I think its great that you tried to have a conversation regarding marriage with him…but why did he break down crying calling himself a loser? I think you should definately have another conversation with him….find out when he plans on marrying you …1 years, 5 years..longer?? Try not to end the conversation without some idea of his timeframe…maybe knowing how long he needs will ease your mind. Sorry I’m not alot of help…but (((HUGS)))
Post # 5
I can totally understand where you are coming from albeit mine ended very differently but I was with my ex for almost 5 years. We always just assumed that we would end up together and talked about it all the time. We went out, bought a ring but he was so ambivalant about it that I never really knew how he truly felt. He hung onto that ring for 4 months and refused to give it to me. Whenever I asked him what the problem was he would breakdown and say that I was too good for him and that he doesn’t deserve me and that he’s so stupid…. I couldn’t understand what the problem was so finally I realized that we just weren’t going to be together so I left. I later found out that he was with someone else at the same time (hence his ambivalance with the proposal and him refusing to give me the ring). I am now newly married to my wonderful husband and I am SO thankful that I did not wait for my ex to decide whether or not I was the right one for him and for him to get his shit together.
My suggestion is to think about what it is YOU want. You guys have been together for a long time so it’s hard to think about it without him (that was my biggest problem) but try to separate yourself as much as you can and think about your possibilities. Also remember that sometimes when you are with someone for so long and from when you are young that you get into this comfort and stop working at it (not saying you guys are…just another possibility). Take some time to yourself and do some soul searching.
Post # 6
Does he work?
Is he financially stable enough to buy a ring? Is that maybe why he hasn’t yet?
Post # 7
Hm, that’s tricky. Normally I advise ladies to move out on their own for a little while, but you can’t really do that. I think you should let him know you don’t neeed a big wedding or ring, make sure he REALLY gets it. He may be feeling like a loser because he can’t get you the sorts of things he feels like you deserve.
If it turns out he actually IS a loser, though, it’s better to end it sooner rather than later. Even though you’re still young, that doesn’t change the fact that you deserve to find someone who wants the same things out of life as you do, and loves you enough to marry you.
Post # 8
It sounds like when you broke down about how you were disappointed, he felt like you were disappointed in him.
You should definitely talk to him about the “loser” comment. It sounds like he wants to marry you, but the way I see it, it could be one of the following scenarios that sparked the comment:
-either it hadnt occurred to him how much it meant to you to get engaged sooner rather than later, and he feels like a “loser” for not realizing and letting you down
-or he wants to marry you, but he doesnt feel like he’s got his act together at the moment (financially, stability wise, maturity wise, etc) – at least enough to do it the way he wants (hey, some guys dream of proposing as much as we dream of being proposed to) which makes him feel like a loser,
-or he feels like he’s a genuine loser who doesn’t deserve you and doesn’t feel he ever will.
-OR, he may be beating himself up because he doesn’t want to get married, and he knows how great you are, but he feels like a loser for not wanting it like you do <—This one’s the one I’m worried about, because it’s the same situation my sister is in right now….except they did get married. He married her because he felt it was the right thing to do, and she was pushing for it, but now he realizes that he never wanted to be married-even though my sister is a great catch. He WANTS to want to be with her, because he feels like it’s the right thing to do and because they seem so right for each other, but in the end he doesn’t really want to be married. Don’t be my sister.
I hope it’s either the first or second scenarios because those are easy fixes. Best of luck to you, chica!
Post # 9
Find out the facts – then you will know deep down if he is a keeper, or if you are happy with him just the way things are?
Not every girl gets married, and nor should every man feel like he has to. But you do need to find out what each of you wants..
Post # 10
I’m also a little confused about hiim calling himself a loser. If you own the house and seem to go after the things you want, is he feeling bad about not contibuting? Or not being able to give you what you want? If you care more about the committment than getting a huge rock, make sure he knows that money isn’t the issue for you.
I’m worried that your talks of marriage never felt like reality. This is a good time for you to think about what you want and need out of the relationship, because it doesn’t seem like he’s thought seriously about being married. If he’s not ready for a committement, how long are you willing to wait for him? Maybe he is content living with you, and getting all the perks without having to feel “tied down.”
My guy was about the same age and not talking about our married life/kids with maturity, so we actually broke up for 6 months. I told him if we weren’t on the same path or had the same goals, I wasn’t going to spend more time on the relationship. I think he grew up a lot in that time apart, because it gave him time to think about what he really wanted in life. We now know when we’ll be taking our next steps forward, have gone ring shopping, and even talk baby names sometimes.
I know this is really tough, *hugs* to you! Every relationship is different, but keep talking to him, figuring things out, and stick up for yourself when it comes to the things you want in life.
Post # 11
🙁 awww im going to be honest with you… it is your right completly to want to marry and settle down.. as a girl your dream to be with your man forever- have kids, a stable home and happiness, so its SO normal. I would understand why u broke down.. have u explained to him why you just broke down?
What you need to do is explain to him that you are not looking to marry with in a year or two, but do want to be engaged eevn if the ring is a quarter! but you do want to take steps in your life.
Before me and my fiance got engaged, we did plan on getting married but I saw no real steps being taken, one day I told him ” Babe, I dont like walking in the dark blind folded. I need to know where Im going.” And befor I knew it we are now engaged. He made plans right after I said that, nothing romantic, he just spoke to my dad and we got engaged.. now were discussing wedding plans.. but I don tknow what your BF’s financial situation is. then again, if he runs low on money- u can discuss it with him, tell him ur intentions, that u dont care for a big expensive ring, and that you dont want a wedding righ away, u just need to know what road your taking. Exlain to him that u love him very much and dont see ur life with out him — thats why your sad, because you want to know if your day dreams will one day become reality.
Do update us, if you want you can PM Me, Id be more then happy to talk to you and hear whaat ever u have to say..
Good luck, and dotn feel sad, your lucky that you get to be open with him about stuff like that. (: