Post # 1
Sorry in advance for the rant (and thanks in advance for reading!), but I gotta get this out of my system. BF and I met in college and moved in together after graduation. After more than two years living together, he told me that he wanted to move out…but keep dating. He said he wanted to live alone at least once in his life because he was worried he’d regret not doing it it after “taking the next step” with me. Needless to say, I was not thrilled about the situation, but our relationship was strong, and I loved him. As much as it hurt, I could understand the need for a room of one’s own after two years in our TINY NYC apt.
Well six months have passed since he moved out and our five year anniversary is next weekend. I’ve wanted to get married for a while, but him moving out had made it so, so much worse. We both have great, lucrative jobs and he says that I’m the one, but he’s just “not ready yet.” We’re 26. I do not feel like we’re too young especially after 5 years.
I know my options are wait or leave. I do not want to leave, but I am not willing to wait another year. i do not think it is unreasonable to want to be with a man who wants to marry me. My question is, where to I go from here? Ultimatums are manipulative, cruel and ineffective. We’ve discussed – at length – how I feel. Is leaving my only option? I feel like i’ll regret leaving this man I love forever. Help…
Post # 3
@cpiccione: do you love him or yourself more? If you won’t give him an ultimatum then you should leave. in time youll find someone who appreciates you enough to marry you.
I am sorry for the pain you’ll have to feel to be happy one day. it is so hard wanting something and realizing that no matter how you try you cant get it.
Post # 4
If he’s not ready, he’s not ready. And moving out? Definitely says not ready!
Maybe it’s time to find someone new?
Post # 5
It kind of sounds like the two of you want different things. You want to live together – he doesn’t. You want to get married – he hasn’t proposed. If you feel that you cannot put in any more time, then I think his silence is your answer. You mentioned that you have talked to him about how you feel. How did he respond to this? How long ago was it? I wonder if he’s saving up for a ring?? But that doesn’t explain why he wanted to move out…that seems very strange to me for two people in a serious relationship. It just sort of sounds like moving backwards.
I’m sorry if this response wasn’t any help. I do hope he comes to his senses!
Post # 6
It sounds to me like he is starting to take the steps to distance himself from you, and looking for a way to leave for good. If he is moving out and making distances, then he isn’t going to marry you for a while, maybe years. If you want a husband and a family now, it isn’t going to happen with him. I would leave and take the lost time trying to find someone with the same plan for marriage that you do, not waste a few years on a “maybe”. Good luck!
Post # 7
OP: move on with your life!
Post # 8
Your story bizarrely sounds like a mixture of what my now-fiance and I went through. He wanted to live together, and I said that I wanted to live on my own for a year. That ended up with him basically living with me anyway, coming over every night, sleeping there every weekend, and me paying the entire rent lol.
Then, when I was ready to get married at 25 or 26, he was not. By that time, we lived together. When we talked about marriage, however, his reasoning was that he wasn’t in a secure enough job and he didn’t have the money for a ring, wedding, etc. Reasonable, in my opinion, and even though part of me was thinking it was because he wasn’t immediately ready to take that next step, I understood. I was, and am still, so in love with him, and so I was willing to wait until he was monetarily and emotionally ready. He proposed a couple of months ago; we’re both now 28 and we dated for 7 years.
If you’re really in love with him and you really want to marry him and only him, you should be able to wait until he’s ready. I would ABSOLUTELY, however, have the conversation establishing that he definitely wants to get married at some point and discuss when he thinks that may be. It is only fair that he discuss this with you if you’re at the point of no return. Please consider the fact that he may just not feel monetarily prepared for everything that getting married comes with (thousands upon thousands of dollars for the wedding, not to mention your gorgeous ring ;), so, I would try to talk to him more honestly about it, make sure that his priorities are aligned with yours, and then make a decision.
Again, if you’re really that committed to him and you really love him enough to commit your life to him, I wouldn’t give up just yet 🙂
Post # 9
I am the odd man out, but why does one spouse have to be wrong and the other is right? He isn’t ready, she is. Is it really that wrong? Maybe he is not certain enough that he wants to be married to you for the next 65+ years. If you are sure he is the one, why not wait? It’s strange. Women say they want to spend the rest of their lives with a man but are unwilling to compromise and allow him to reach that place as well. Mid-20s is not that damn old. Cool your jets if you really love him. I wanted to get engaged at 23 after 7 years together but SO wasn’t ready to be engaged. Now we’re 25 and SO wants to be engaged. He got there all on his own. It feels so much better knowing he got there in a genuine way on his own time. I am not saying to wait forever but waiting another couple years does not seem unreasonable. Don’t get tunnel vision and ruin a good thing.
Post # 10
@bunnyharriet: +1 100%
My only question to him would be why is he not ready; financial, emotional, has pre-marriage goals he would like to accomplish?
Post # 11
I was in your bf’s position many years back. We ended up getting married, then I left him a year later. In retrospect I realized that it’s not that I wasn’t ready, even though I thought so at the time – I was just with the wrong person. Let him go and move on. When you’re with the right guy, you won’t have to wait around for years on end for him to be ready.
Post # 12
if he’s not ready to get married the worst thing you can do is try to force the idea upon him … although in saying that, for him to move out and tell you that he’s not ready after 5 years, i don’t see him ever being ready. I think he may be using that as an excuse, i had an ex-‘fiance’ like that … and i say ex’fiance’ in inverted commas coz he didnt want to get married, i pushed the situation, and he bought me a ring to basically shut me up ….. he had no intention of marrying me …… needless to say we broke up, and we were together for 5 years.
when i met my now husband, he knew straight away he wanted to be with me, it was HIS decision not me pushing, and we’ve now been tgether for 5 years and married for almost a year and a half 🙂
sometimes it;s best to just move on, spending 5 years with someone doesnt mean they necessarily want to marry you ….. however if you stay, it could be another 5 years before he realises he couldnt get anyone else and just marries you for the sake of getting married.
im sure youo want to be married to a man who wants to be married to you. i think its time to move on. xx
Post # 14
I think you should follow your heart. I am sure this is a hard time to accept different opinions, so who not better to consult than yourself?
I was in your situation. I was in a 5 year relationship, and he never proposed. His excuse was that he wanted to know “how his parents felt.” After 5 years, you should know all of that. lol I had tons of opinions too. And eventually, I left. It took a few years of dating and bad relationships, but now, im with a man I actually want to spend my life with.
Be patient. I’m not sure if you’re religious, but prayer helps too. Also, if he’s not ready to be married, ask him what he’s ready “for.” That way, if you two don’t share the same goal, you’ll know where your heart will lead you too.
Best of luck!
Post # 15
I do hope he comes to his senses!
Post # 16
Do not waste any more of your time with this man – especially if you want to have children. Cut him off cold turkey. If he comes back, he better have a ring with him. If he does not, show him the door.
Don’t think of this as an ultimatum but rather a boundary you need to set to take care of yourself. You deserve a man who treats you like a princess and cannot wait to marry you.
Take it from me… I spent my 30s waiting around for men who could not give me what I wanted. Although it was incredibly painful, I walked away. I am not marrying a man who is crazy about me and dying to marry me.
Do what is best for you!