(Closed) Flaky Friends: When to Draw the Line

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Tough situation! Honestly though, sometimes life just gets in the way. I know I get phone calls from people sometimes that I dread returning because I don’t want to let them down, and the longer I wait to return them, the harder it gets, until eventually I just think, “Oh they will have assumed by now” and give up trying to make myself return the call.

I don’t think your friend meant to hurt you, even if she knew that it was inevitable at some point. It doesn’t sound like you were especially close to begin with, if it’s possible for you to let it go and move on, it’d be a shame to lose a friend, IMO.

Post # 4
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Maybe she’s going through some things in her life right now. Don’t jump to accusations yet. Give her some time. She may really have a good reason.

Post # 5
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I completely agree with @daydreamwanderer.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.

If you can forgive and forget, then do so.  I guess you just have to decide if she has been a good enough friend to you otherwise for you to reach out and continue the relationship.  And, if she hurt you by not being responsive about your wedding, then maybe you should just reach out to her and explain how hurt you feel.  A majority of issues can be sorted out with a little communication.

Post # 6
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m awaiting quite a few replies right now and our wedding is in 2 weeks.  I kind of understand why people who haven’t had their own wedding might not understand why its a big deal to send back the RSVP, b.c I have been guilty of that myself quite often before I was engaged.  But I have 2 friends who have just gotten married within the past year who haven’t responded, and haven’t responded to facebook msgs, e-mails, etc.  So, I feel your pain.  I’m just not going to have a place for them at the wedding, and I guess they won’t be getting any food when it comes dinnertime, if they do show up, but its definitely annoying.  I think if you can forgive and forget, thats great, but I do think you at least deserve an explaination.  Not RSVPing is just as bad as writing someone’s name in on the reply card.  lol… good luck!!

Post # 8
Member
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I went through virtually the same thing with a friend, except she actually RSVPed ‘Yes’ and plus a guest and then didn’t show up! She had been through a breakup (with a  guy she had broken up and gotten back together with a dozen times – she’s back together with him now actually) and I had asked her before the wedding if she was feeling up to coming. She said yes, definitely and asked if she could bring a friend of hers for support. I said sure, and she sent the RSVP back with a plus one.  Fast forward to the wedding day and she doesn’t show up.  She texted me the next morning and said she ‘just couldn’t handle it.’ I was pretty annoyed for a while, I mean that’s 2 no shows!   With time brought some new perspective, though.  I enjoy her company, I know she cares about me, and I just don’t think she thought it was as rude as I did.  There are all different types of friends.  You can’t count on all people in the same ways. You just have to decide if the good in her outweighs this incident, an other incidents of flakiness. 

Post # 10
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’ve been there!  I had a very close friend (she would have been a bridesmaid if we would have wanted 4/4).  She stopped all communication with me.   Super bazaar.  At first I was peeved but then got concerned that maybe something happened to her or she wasn’t feeling well.  I almost emailed her sister but then I found her new profile on facebook revealed she was fine.  Honestly, if my friend pops back into my life I’ll be her friend but it won’t be the same.  It sounds like you may be in the same boat.

On the other hand, my FI was in the ER the night until 2am before a close friend’s wedding and we still managed to travel the 2 hours the next day.  He was feeling like crap the entire time and I just wanted to get him home.  Fast forward to our wedding invites going out.  And I get an email from her (keep in mind this is my FI’s close friend) saying she can’t be friends with him anymore b/c he doesn’t make any effort (total bulls***).  Turns out she was pissed that he couldn’t do the reading at her wedding (another friend was able to fill in).  

Make sure you have all the facts before you make a verdict.  And if she’s not worth dealing with then maybe it’s best to move on. 

Post # 11
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree… it is totally rude. If you feel like her friendship has been fulfilling in the past and that it will continue to be a relationship that you want to nurture in the future, reach out… but she might just be slowly trying to end the friendship on HER end without having some big blowout. It’s sad, I’ve been on both sides of it, but if she isn’t going to make an effort there’s really not much you can do to change it.

Post # 12
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

Long ago when I was a girl, my much-older sister-in-law wrote in my autograph book:

Make new friends, but keep the old:
Those are silver, these are gold.

Not high literature, true; but then autograph verses rarely were. It is still good advice. You can always make new friends, but you can never make new old friends. That being said, you needn’t expend unappreciated energy on keeping alive a one-sided relationship. Be open to the fact that the tides of life may cause the two of you to drift back together again. If your old friend initiates contact, or if you get a sudden urge to facebook her or write a letter, don’t quash the urge. But in the absence of such a chance, don’t feel under any obligation, either.

Post # 13
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow super old thread…I wish there was a way the related topics could only show recent threads, so we don’t end up with a bunch of people giving advice to someone whose problem occured years ago!

Post # 14
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

@Wonderstruck:  Oops, missed that! I usually try to avoid the posts-from-the-time-capsule. I was wondering how do people dig these up to respond to — makes sense that the “Related Topics” links are to blame!

Post # 15
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@aspasia475:  Yeah, it’s pretty easy to do…sometimes it’s still helpul to people planning their current situation, but since this one only had like three comments probably not. I’m always a little hesitant to point out how old the thread is because sometimes people get annoyed, but I know it’s happened to me and then I’m aggravated if I spent a bunch of time on a well thought out piece of advice, and then see how old it is!

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