Post # 1
My wedding reception was a couple of weeks ago and a close friend completely bailed on the event. To be fair, we live in different states (out-of-state guests were given ample planning time).
Her status as a no-show isn’t what irks me. DH and I knew that distance + economy would make things difficult for a lot of people. What REALLY chaps my hide is that she didn’t even bother to RSVP. Once our RSVP deadline came and went, I made a couple of attempts to get in touch: “hey, we just need to give our caterer a guest count, can you let me know a yes or no ASAP?” See, I make it nice and comfy for people to avoid the commitment. No strings, no explanation necessary, just the courtesy of a reply — and I only went the extra mile with a call to her because we/she had discussed travel plans, on more than one ocassion. I was under the impression she was going to be there.
I’m just wondering what you all think about whether to keep a friend in a situation such as this. I’m inclined to re-evaluate my priorities and drift apart, sans drama, but is there any reason to continue a friendship with this kind of person? This isn’t my only encounter with her flakiness, but it has definitely left a lasting impression.
BTW, the reception was a blast and I concentrated on the people who showed up, rather than sulking in the corner about this b.s.
Post # 3
Tough situation! Honestly though, sometimes life just gets in the way. I know I get phone calls from people sometimes that I dread returning because I don’t want to let them down, and the longer I wait to return them, the harder it gets, until eventually I just think, “Oh they will have assumed by now” and give up trying to make myself return the call.
I don’t think your friend meant to hurt you, even if she knew that it was inevitable at some point. It doesn’t sound like you were especially close to begin with, if it’s possible for you to let it go and move on, it’d be a shame to lose a friend, IMO.
Post # 4
Maybe she’s going through some things in her life right now. Don’t jump to accusations yet. Give her some time. She may really have a good reason.
Post # 5
I completely agree with @daydreamwanderer. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
If you can forgive and forget, then do so. I guess you just have to decide if she has been a good enough friend to you otherwise for you to reach out and continue the relationship. And, if she hurt you by not being responsive about your wedding, then maybe you should just reach out to her and explain how hurt you feel. A majority of issues can be sorted out with a little communication.
Post # 6
I’m awaiting quite a few replies right now and our wedding is in 2 weeks. I kind of understand why people who haven’t had their own wedding might not understand why its a big deal to send back the RSVP, b.c I have been guilty of that myself quite often before I was engaged. But I have 2 friends who have just gotten married within the past year who haven’t responded, and haven’t responded to facebook msgs, e-mails, etc. So, I feel your pain. I’m just not going to have a place for them at the wedding, and I guess they won’t be getting any food when it comes dinnertime, if they do show up, but its definitely annoying. I think if you can forgive and forget, thats great, but I do think you at least deserve an explaination. Not RSVPing is just as bad as writing someone’s name in on the reply card. lol… good luck!!
Post # 7
Thanks to everyone for showing me a different perspective. It’s been tough, but I have tried to avoid jumping to conclusions on this one and wait to hear from her. I’ve considered whether she might be going through a tough time and wouldn’t want to get carried away by my hurt feelings.
This is a long time friend, a very very close friend … or at least, that’s what I thought. I wouldn’t want to stop nurturing the friendship without a good reason. While she is definitely guilty of being a flake, she had always, up until now, been there when it really counted. DH was just as surprised as I was about the whole thing.
On the communication front though, I feel like the ball’s in her court. And Daydreamwander, you have me thinking, maybe you’re right, maybe we aren’t really that close. If that’s the case, blowing off my previous attempts to communicate makes perfect sense and I certainly don’t want to invade her space with more.
Post # 8
I went through virtually the same thing with a friend, except she actually RSVPed ‘Yes’ and plus a guest and then didn’t show up! She had been through a breakup (with a guy she had broken up and gotten back together with a dozen times – she’s back together with him now actually) and I had asked her before the wedding if she was feeling up to coming. She said yes, definitely and asked if she could bring a friend of hers for support. I said sure, and she sent the RSVP back with a plus one. Fast forward to the wedding day and she doesn’t show up. She texted me the next morning and said she ‘just couldn’t handle it.’ I was pretty annoyed for a while, I mean that’s 2 no shows! With time brought some new perspective, though. I enjoy her company, I know she cares about me, and I just don’t think she thought it was as rude as I did. There are all different types of friends. You can’t count on all people in the same ways. You just have to decide if the good in her outweighs this incident, an other incidents of flakiness.
Post # 9
Wow MarzipanMrs, I feel for you. Not sure how I’d approach that situation either.
You’re absolutely right about being unable to count on all friends in the same ways … thanks for the insight.
Post # 10
I’ve been there! I had a very close friend (she would have been a bridesmaid if we would have wanted 4/4). She stopped all communication with me. Super bazaar. At first I was peeved but then got concerned that maybe something happened to her or she wasn’t feeling well. I almost emailed her sister but then I found her new profile on facebook revealed she was fine. Honestly, if my friend pops back into my life I’ll be her friend but it won’t be the same. It sounds like you may be in the same boat.
On the other hand, my FI was in the ER the night until 2am before a close friend’s wedding and we still managed to travel the 2 hours the next day. He was feeling like crap the entire time and I just wanted to get him home. Fast forward to our wedding invites going out. And I get an email from her (keep in mind this is my FI’s close friend) saying she can’t be friends with him anymore b/c he doesn’t make any effort (total bulls***). Turns out she was pissed that he couldn’t do the reading at her wedding (another friend was able to fill in).
Make sure you have all the facts before you make a verdict. And if she’s not worth dealing with then maybe it’s best to move on.
Post # 11
I agree… it is totally rude. If you feel like her friendship has been fulfilling in the past and that it will continue to be a relationship that you want to nurture in the future, reach out… but she might just be slowly trying to end the friendship on HER end without having some big blowout. It’s sad, I’ve been on both sides of it, but if she isn’t going to make an effort there’s really not much you can do to change it.
Post # 12
Long ago when I was a girl, my much-older sister-in-law wrote in my autograph book:
Make new friends, but keep the old:
Those are silver, these are gold.
Not high literature, true; but then autograph verses rarely were. It is still good advice. You can always make new friends, but you can never make new old friends. That being said, you needn’t expend unappreciated energy on keeping alive a one-sided relationship. Be open to the fact that the tides of life may cause the two of you to drift back together again. If your old friend initiates contact, or if you get a sudden urge to facebook her or write a letter, don’t quash the urge. But in the absence of such a chance, don’t feel under any obligation, either.
Post # 13
Wow super old thread…I wish there was a way the related topics could only show recent threads, so we don’t end up with a bunch of people giving advice to someone whose problem occured years ago!
Post # 14
@Wonderstruck: Oops, missed that! I usually try to avoid the posts-from-the-time-capsule. I was wondering how do people dig these up to respond to — makes sense that the “Related Topics” links are to blame!
Post # 15
@aspasia475: Yeah, it’s pretty easy to do…sometimes it’s still helpul to people planning their current situation, but since this one only had like three comments probably not. I’m always a little hesitant to point out how old the thread is because sometimes people get annoyed, but I know it’s happened to me and then I’m aggravated if I spent a bunch of time on a well thought out piece of advice, and then see how old it is!