Post # 1
Bees, I’ve gone anonymous for this because I don’t really want it attached to my name but I feel so stuck. A few weeks ago, I was bad and snooped through my FI’s messages because he had been talking to a friend’s girlfriend A LOT. I wanted to show myself that I was being paranoid and turns out my instinct was right. He was talking to her about very intimate sexual things and talked about my flaws while complimenting her. I was furious and heartbroken. I talked to him about it and told him I never wanted to see him talking about that stuff with another girl again. He said it wouldn’t happen again. Lo and behold I find out he’s flirting with yet another girl! He’s been doing it for months it looks like and has complimented her more than he has me in the same amount of time. He’s brought up sex with her and just a couple days ago talking about all the boys she must be kissing, etc. I’m so mad that I’ve barely eaten today and just can’t sleep. I don’t know if he’s just that thick, doesn’t care, or misinterpreted what I said but I’m really considering calling off the wedding. I can’t handle being with someone that feels a need to flirt with other girls. I mean, if they were long time friends then I don’t think it would bother me because that would probably just be how their relationship worked, but he met this new girl like 2-3 months ago. My self-esteem has gone to shit because I blame myself for some idiotic reason, and am even comtemplating flirting with some guy just to have him know how I feel. I’m so lost and my one friend I’ve been talking to about this doesn’t like him because of this behavior so I’m not really sure if her advice is unbiased. I guess what I’m looking for is 1) am I crazy for feeling this way and 2) what should I do about it? I don’t know where to go from here.
Post # 3
@anon2211: your feelings are completely valid – he is being incredibly disrespectful and is obviously untrustworthy. his behaviour is really, really sketchy.
DON’T give him the out of ‘he’s too stupid’ – NO. he’s not – any person with two brain cells to rub together should know that an engaged man should not be discussing sex with female friends, especially intimate details about the two of you, and definitely not complimenting her innapropriately and seeking details of her intimate life.
you are meant to be a team – he is completely destroying that by talking about your perceived flaws with other people, he should never be doing that! the fact that you’ve spoken to him about it and he’s still doing it shows that he can’t be trusted and either doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong (so just said he’d stop to placate you) or doesn’t care about your feelings.
i’d have serious reservations about marrying someone like this.
Post # 4
@peonyinlove: Thank you for making me feel like less of an emotional mess. This second girl has been much more mild but I think that’s because the messages are public instead of private. However, he’s still complimenting her to all get out, saying how pretty she is and she’s cute when she’s angry, etc. I was worried that he was just placating me too, which is why I haven’t stopped snooping because I just don’t trust him anymore. The stubborn part of me doesn’t want to give up but I can’t live like this either. I guess I have to decide if talking to him again about it is worth it or just to call everything off.
Post # 5
I certainly would not marry someone I didn’t trust.
You have plenty of valid reasons not to trust this guy, he has and is betraying you as well as disrespecting you.
Post # 6
@anon2211: You are perfectly justified in calling off the wedding/dumping him. Obviously a guy that flirts with other girls (despite you talking to him about it and promising he wouldn’t do it again), and then breaks his promise, is not as involved in this relationship as you had thought. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. You’re in my thoughts, and chin up, chica!
Post # 7
@anon2211: Public flirtacious displays with other women are wrong too. Are these public messages seen by your family and friends? Either way, it’s incredibly disrespectful to you. It’s also rude to other women, he’s leading them on by complimenting them in the same breath as putting you down. You can’t trust him, he says degrading things about you to other women – this man is not worthy of you.
I bet if you asked the women he’s communicating with, “Should I marry him? Does he love me?” They’d be just as likely to say, “No!” as the women here!
Post # 8
Cancel the wedding!
Things don’t magically change after you get married. If anything, they get worse!
You asked him to stop flirting with these other girls. He has not. He doesn’t respect you or your relationship!
Cancel the wedding. Maybe you could think about couple’s therapy, but if I were you, I would cut my losses and move on.
Post # 10
This guy has gone beyond flirting in my opinion, I think he is broaching this subjects with a goal in mind and the fact that he done with multiple people, and people like a friends girlfriend I think really speak to him as a person.
I would cancel the wedding. Personally I don’t want to tell you to leave that choice that you should make for yourself. But you should be very clear about what you willing to tolerate, and what concrete steps he needs to take to mend the relationship. Although if I’m being honest I think the best thing to do is kick his ass to the curb and not look back!
Post # 11
I don’t consider that flirting. Talking about having sex with someone is planning to cheat. I would break up with him and never look back.
Post # 12
This situation is far beyond flirting, IMO. Very inappropriate. He is giving you a preview of what marriage with him will be like–believe him. This will only get worse with time. I’d dump him and find someone who loves you fully.
Post # 13
How far would he have taken these conversations if you had not intervened? This is emotional cheating– and maybe he would have physically cheated.
This is not okay. I would have serious hesitations about marrying ‘garbage’ like this as well. (sorry, I know you love him, but it angers me that he treated you and made you feel so low)
Post # 14
This is not flirting. I’m a giant flirt. Dh is sort of a flirt too. This is completely differently. If he’s talking about explicit things with these women, that’s beyond flirting.
You don’t trust him. He’s been putting you down to others. He’s still doing it after he agreed not to.
Please, at the very least postpone the wedding in favour of counseling.
Post # 15
@anon2211: Honestly? It doesn’t sound like he’s just flirting. He’s looking for another sexual relationship and all of this would count the same as cheating in my book. I’m sorry this is happening, but I think you’re lucky you discovered it before the wedding. I’d get out and never look back.
Post # 16
@corasong: exactly this. Flirting is much more subtle than talking about intimate sexual details. This is cheating – and how do you know it stopped at text messages, or that it wouldn’t have been moreif you hadn’t caught him? Leave!