Post # 1
My wedding is appx 2 months away.
I have 5 bms… two of whom are my fiance’s sister & sister in law.
Currently, I have 3 flower girls, all my fiance’s nieces. My fiance’s sister’s two daughters (her son is the ring bearer) is 5 years old and appx 14 months old at the time of the wedding. My fiance’s sister in law’s daughter will be 11 months old at the wedding.
We asked the ‘babies’ to be FGs (the 14 month old and the 11 month old) as a gesture to his family. But, his sister and sister in law have not been interested in the wedding at all, not responding to emails or phone calls — it took me to forever to get them to purchase a bm dress for themselves (I got them for $80 with free shipping I love deals!) Money is not an issue for them, but they have yet to get flower girl dresses. I’ve sent them suggestions and told them I’d LOVE if they would just take care of picking out the dresses for the little ones as they are babies and know what would work best. They haven’t gotten anything, or even spoken to me about it.
The worst part is that although I asked for the little ones to be a part of the day, I didn’t even consider that they would ‘walk’ down they aisle. I assumed it would be super cute for them to be in pictures, but that they would be too little to do anything else. I’ve even said that to them numerous times, but my words go unheard. They all (especially my FMIL) want & expect them to be walking down the aisle & if not walking, someone to carry them or push them in a cart. I don’t want to do that to babies because they may get overwhelmed (one of them is really shy) so I’d love for an aunt or uncle to hold them off to the side.
But now that I have to harrass the moms to even get dresses for them, I debating just keeping the 5 year old as the sole flower girl. I am ordering the programs today or tomorrow and just want to keep the oldest girls name on the program. Thoughts and advice on how to handle this would be great! Thanks!
Post # 3
Heck, I really can’t see any likelihood of a 14 month old and an 11 month old walking down the aisle. My granddaughter was a very early walker (9 months) but she was 2 and a half when she was my bridesmaid and she still needed “escorting”. There’s every chance that babies that age will be shy/unwilling or just simply cry because they are overwhelmed by the event.
If you don’t want a cart or have them carried – both options seem to defeat the whole object of flower girls anyway – then I’d suggest having the 5 year old as the single FG. Although won’t demoting the others cause family drama?
Post # 4
@hkk1313: I would phone or send them an email
I am planning on ordering our programs tomorrow. As I’m not aware that you have purchased a dress for ___ yet, I thought I better check in with you. As you know, my plan does not include her walking down the aisle, but I would love to include her in the pictures. If you would rather have her just be a guest at the wedding, please let me know asap.”
This gives the parent the option to demote their own daughter.
Post # 5
I guess I don’t understand the point of having flowergirls who cannot walk? Then aren’t they just guests in matching baby outfits? Two of my nieces were flower girls, but one who was only 12 months old did not come to the wedding because my sister wanted to have a good time.
If they aren’t going down the aisle, cant they wear whatever they want? I would list them in the program as honorary flower girls.
I’ve seen adorable pictures where the babies are brought down the aisle in a decorated wagon, but you don’t seem to like that idea.
Post # 6
I would just call and say that you have tried to get a hold of them and because it is almost 2 months away from your wedding you need to ge tthe programs done and you wantedf to see if they were still interested.
Any way you can contact MIL possibly or can your FI try to get a hold of them? Perhaps if it is him calling they will be more inclined to answer?
Post # 7
@hkk1313: I’m sorry hon, I think you might be stuck. Once you ask them it’s hard to un-ask without hurt feelings. I woudn’t worry about what they wear, as long as they know they need to buy the outfits and they know the basics (color, level of formality, whatever), I’d ignore it and just assume they’ll take care of it. If your wedding day comes and their kids aren’t wearing what they’re supposed to then you’re off the hook. Nobody will care that the babies are listed in the program but aren’t walking down the aisle. Best of luck!
Post # 8
Thanks guys for the tips! You were all very helpful!
I think I’m going to go for a mixture of all advice — I will reach out one final time to make sure that they will be taking care of it, and then it’s up to them to have their daugthers show up day of in the appropriate dress. I’ll just include them in the programs, as like most of you said it will end up with hurt feelings and drama if I don’t.
I will have my fiance explain the not walking down part, as, like you guys said, they’d probably listen more to him than me.
Thanks again everyone!
Post # 9
If these babies are not truly part of the recessional it is crazy to ask their parents to buy specific outfits for them. If my DD wasn’t going to be going down the aisle I wouldn’t be footing the bill for a particular FG dress.
I TOTALLY get the idea they are too young to go down the aisle and I agree with that part. I also understand that you are being pushed on that. What I don’t understand is why you are expecting them to “be in the appropriate dress” when you have no intention of having them in the processional. If they are just in pics they don’t need to be in FG dresses.
I’m not trying to be harsh here, but am I missing something?
Post # 10
@hermom: Like I said, money isn’t an issue for them at all (they actually think I am too frugal with buying things for the wedding even though I think I’ve spent a lot! They are very traditional and think my family should be paying for the wedding in its entirety even though FI’s family is more well off but that’s another story).
We had just asked them to be involved as a gesture (FI’s family REALLY into the little ones, haha so FMIL would have pushed us to have them in it anyway).
I didn’t mean they needed to be perfect with appropriate dress, just meant ‘white and matching’ if they realllly want them as FGs. I’ve sent them stuff, but no responses. I keep hearing from FMIL that they are so busy, etc etc so I didn’t even know how to handle it from here since the wedding is 2 months away and I didn’t want to keep harassing them. I don’t NEED to have them involved or NEED them as FGs. The 5 year old will be adorable on her own. But everyone talks about how excited they are about the babies walking down the aisle and how cute they’d look, but they don’t want to ACTUALLY do anything to have them in. So it’s like if I took them out, they would be offended. So, it sounds like I might be better off keeping their names on, and if the moms don’t do anything about it, it would be on them, not me. At least that’s what I’m thinking I should do, so that people won’t have anything to say to me day of.
Post # 11
Goodness gracious. Please don’t demote the little babies. That isn’t very nice and will just reflect poorly on you. Print their names in the programs, it’ll mean a lot to his family. If they make it down the aisle great, if not so be it. No one is going to be like hmmm there are three flower girls in the program, but only one walked down the aisle! If anything, the moms can walk the girls down with them. So not a big deal. At the end of the day, this is your mistake for asking infants to be in the wedding in the first place. But at this point, you can’t change it without looking like a bridezilla. Just go with the flow and accept that whatever they end up doing, it won’t affect your day in the slightest.
Post # 12
@hermom: Totally agree. I would be insulted if someone just wanted my child for the photos.
Post # 13
@Stretchpants: Obv I wouldn’t be going through the hassle just for the ‘photos’ (and posting on these websites for advice). And if it were your kid and you wanted them in the bridal party, you would have at least ordered them a dress earlier than 5 weeks before the wedding. Or ordered at all. I was asking how to deal with the MOMS avoiding doing anything, without pulling them out. I was considering pulling them only if the moms continued with not responding or talking to me about it, since I wouldn’t even know if they would show up with the girls — I still haven’t gotten their RSVPs. Some people use the internet to bully, when in reality people are just asking for advice.