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Yikes! I'm sorry thats a tough one.
Hire a babysitter. Most likely the little girl will get tired and (possibly temper tantrum). You could just tell the mother that you can/will have a babysitter and a kid-friendly meal prepared. Pajamas are not appropriate at an adult only function. Either the parents will be happy that they don't have to supervise the kid, or they will turn in early.
How is the flower girl related? Your side or his? It might be even better if you can have your mom or the mother of the groom take care of it. The sooner the better.
I think you are going to have to re-think the idea of a flower girl.
It is pretty unfair to ask these parents to buy their daughter a special dress, but then take her somewhere else after the ceremony. Since it seems you want this flower girl to be in pictures with you, that means her parents would have to leave the reception and miss some of it in order to take her to a childcare situation. Also, it will be pretty hard to tell people that you are having no children - except for that one. If you really want to have the flower girl in the wedding, you might want to consider hiring a sitter for the reception.
If this little girl is in your wedding party I think she has to be included at the reception. You wouldn't ask a bridesmaid or a groomsman to sit out the reception for any reason, right? Same goes with your flower girl, even though she's a kid. Especially since you are including the ring bearer in the reception.
If you truly want an adults-only reception, with NO kids at all, I don't think you can have a flower girl and ring bearer.
But maybe other brides can speak out?
I agree but my father is a minister and EVERY bride thought it was a good idea to put me in their wedding as a little girl. It was a much better idea when they had a plan for what to do with me after the ceremony. I liked when I got happy meals and got to watch Disney movies.... I didn't care what the adults were doing.
We are doing an adults only reception as well. Except for our flower girl. We are on a budget, so we can't include everyone, but it is important tohave our flower girl as a part of our day and other guests completely understand.
I think it would be really considerate of you to have a babysitter (it can be a teenager that is related to you or the groom and willing to babysit for very little) available for the ringbearer and the flower girl. Of course, it depends on your venue how easy this might be. (E.g. If your reception is at a hotel, letting them use one of your guest's rooms to have kid friendly food and watch Disney movies and have crafts and such.) This way you are not requiring the parents to miss out on the party to take their daughter home and everyone has a fun night.
I think it's generally accepted that even "adults only" receptions will include the flower girl and ring bearer, if the couple has them. I agree that it would be rude to ask that the flower girl's family bring her and buy her a dress for when you need/want her around, and then have to get rid of her as soon as she's of no use to you anymore.
Besides, don't you think your ring bearer might enjoy having another child to play with? They can keep each other occupied.
I'd seat them at the same table, and place some quiet toys at their settings to keep them occupied. Coloring books (maybe those color-wonder kind if a mess is a concern), activity books, and a deck of playing cards (if they're old enough) would all be quiet and entertaining for little ones.
Let us know what you decide!
I have to agree with the previous posts, if she is in the wedding party she should go to the reception. If your flower girl and ringbearer are close in age maybe they can keep each other company. I think that the idea of having Disney movies is a great idea. They will probably pass out, get them cute pjs as a gift. Otherwise I would rethink having either in the wedding party.
It sounds like you really want a no-kids reception, but you are worried about offending your flowergirl and her mother if you don't invite the flowergirl. I think your underlying instinct is right; it would be rude not to invite her. Here's why I think it's necessary to invite wedding party children to the reception:
You don't invite the children in your wedding party to the reception because it's going to be fun for them or for you (as LucyLouToo pointed out, she was much happier as a flowergirl when she was watching Disney movies or had other alternate activities to distract her). You do it because of what it symbolizes: You asked your wedding party, including the children, to stand up with you as you exchange your vows on one of the most important days of your life, so they should all be welcome to share a meal with you at the reception. To ask otherwise implies that their value to you is conditional (which of course it's not, but that's the message it sends).
Additionally, inviting the wedding-party children to the reception is not so much for the children's benefit as it is for their parents'. They are the ones receiving that message I talked about above. They have bought new clothes and coached their children to be part of this day, and as a gesture of your gratitude you should invite them to the party.
What I would suggest is to invite them to the reception, and then explain to their parents that since the kids will probably be bored silly at the reception anyways, you've arranged for a babysitter starting after dinner (MrsCPT had good advice about this), at which point the flowergirl can change into her special pajamas and the all-adults party can commence.
As others have noted, either the parents will be grateful and take you up on the babysitting offer, or they will go home early with their children. At that point you can't control which and shouldn't worry about which avenue they take. In the end this will be no different than what would have happened with the flowergirl and her parents anyway---either they would have hired a sitter for her and come to the reception, or they would have stayed home.
Furthermore, if you're already inviting the ringbearer, one more child won't really matter. It's fairly common for brides to make an exception to the "no children" rule for the flowergirl and ringbearer, so I don't think allowing the flowergirl too, even though she is local, would open the floodgates to inviting all the children.
The advantage of this arrangement is that you will be a gracious hostess, the parents can show off their children to other adults at the wedding during dinner, and afterwards you get a no-kids party. Everybody wins. Good luck!
I'm having an adults-only wedding as well, so I sympathize with worrying about how to tell their parents!
But honestly? I don't think you can tell the flower girl's parents to take her home after the ceremony without causing some unhappiness and hurt feelings, especially if the ring bearer will be invited to the reception. Yes, he's coming from London, but the flower girl's parents will probably wonder why you couldn't just allow her to attend too if you were willing to make an exception for the ring bearer. Besides, it might be really annoying for the flower girl's parents to drive her home in between the ceremony and reception, especially since she's going to be posing for pictures for a while.
I say let her come -- two children isn't that many. If you limit the children attending to the ones in the wedding party, that will make sense to everyone and you won't upset the flower girl's parents by appearing to treat her differently from your ring bearer. If you can hire a babysitter to show up after dinner and show a movie somewhere, even better!
Hello again!
Thank you all so much for your advice. Sometimes a girl really needs some help! I think I wasn't clear enough, we want her to come for dinner but then think it would be most appropriate for her to go upstairs with a babysitter when it is bedtime. At any other wedding we have all been to together (she is a family friend) she puts on her PJs and then gets really tired and grouchy and her parents don't watch her well and it is just not appropriate for a black tie wedding. We are hiring a babysitter for her but I need the right way to tell her mom then when she is tired the babysitter will be ready to watch her in her room. How do I do that?
Our reception does not end until 2 AM and I just don't think it would be nice for a screaming/tired child to be there afterhours,do you know what I mean? Also, from a selfish persepctive, we are having a VERY formal wedding and the idea of a child in her dora the explorer pajamas just doesn't make me happy.
So how do I approach the mom about that?
oh i just reread the posts- you are all so right! I will just mention that we have hired a babysitter for the kids to go to after dinner!
The ringbearer and his mom or dad will just go up to their room when he is tired/after dinner. She is my aunt and that is how we did it at other weddings and it was great.
thank you all for your help! I had no idea how to approach this!
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Lots of good comments here. I agree- I think that everyone IN the wedding MUST be invited to the reception, no matter what their age. With some mother's of the flower girl, you could have a conversation with her and let her know that you're planning a spot for the flower girl, but would understand if she (the mother) would want the little girl to go to bed early, etc. Some mother's would want to arrange for their daughter to go to a baby sitter, so that they could enjoy the night. However, if this mom already has special PJs, it sounds like she's planning for her little girl to be there all night.
I would just maybe have a special little favor bag for the little kids, especially since there will only be 2. You could have crayons and coloring books and little toys (slinkies, etc). They should be just fine.
I am in a similar situation- we are not inviting kids, with the exception of our flower girl, and one little boy who has a very serious health condition and can't be out of the site of his parents. My flower girl's mom already said she knows her daughter (who is very young) will be up super late because its a "special night." So some mom's will want their kids there... it all depends...
It's so nice to know that you're looking out for the flower girl's comfort in this situation. That's honestly something that gets overlooked pretty often, and it's thoughtful of you to be making accomodations for the little ones in the party.
Are you close to your flower girl's mom and dad? If so, the next time you're together and the wedding comes up, you can gush about how excited you are to have found a great babysitter who will be there to take care of the kids after, say, the cake cutting, or whatever wedding "landmark" you choose to be the goodnight point for little ones (cake cutting seems good to me because the little ones still get the fun and excitement of cake, and at most weddings I've been to, that's the turning point from dinner and toasts and calm time to party time). I'd also talk up all the fun things that will be in the hotel room for the kids, like coloring books, a cute new PJ set, and a movie to watch (or whatever you choose) so that it's clear you're looking out for the kids and their comfort. I doubt a party that lasts until 2 would be the ideal spot for a child, anyway.
Lastly, I'd be sure that the parents know that your arrangements will also allow for them to cut loose a little more. They should appreciate that. :)
PS - if the message really doesn't seem to sink in for the flower girl's parents, you could reinforce it by having your coordinator (or someone in charge on the wedding day) provide her with the phone number of your sitter and the room number where they'll be. Following up to the aforementioned conversation with a phone call a week or so later to ask if she has any sort of bedtime routine that she'd like the sitter to follow with the flower girl might reinforce the point once again. :)
Good luck!
driftslikesmoke. so smart! thank you so much!
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I think the parents will be happy that you hired a babysitter and they can enjoy the evening while their daughter gets some sleep. Just explain it to them as a token of your appriciation for her participation. Where will your wedding be? I too am a RI bride!
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So we didn't do as most here say is necessary - we had two ring bearers and two flower girls, and NO kids at all at the reception. My husband and I hired babysitters and they came to get the kids and take them to the hotel to watch them. Dinner was served at 9 which was way too late for these kids to be up. My niece and nephew have ADHD and would have been running around like crazy kids at that hour, and I didn't think it was appropriate to have them at an evening adult reception. Of the parents (our siblings) a few were thrilled and a few weren't. They were at the RH, brunch and ceremony so they were included in a lot -and we gave them all bags of presents at the RH!
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Janna, I think you did what was right in your situation---a 9 o'clock reception is a lot later than most! Most kids should be in bed or tending toward bed by that time. Good call :).
Thanks Chelsea :) I was actually just starting to feel guilty about it, and the wedding was 6 months ago!
Janna, I'm with Chelsea, that was the perfect thing to do in your situation. 9pm is way too late to make little ones wait for dinner! Hiring a babysitter was definitely the right call.
I think as long as the bride and groom make some sort of arrangement for the kids in their wedding party during the reception, everyone will be happy -- they don't necessarily have to be *at* the reception, especially if it's late at night. The only thing that I think is questionable is when brides want the flower girl and ring bearer around during the ceremony for the "cute factor" but then don't want them at the reception *and* don't offer to provide child care. That makes it really inconvenient for the kids' parents IMHO.
Slicey- Our wedding is at the westin providence 7/25... the ceremony is at a church beforehand. you?
Janna- since we only have 2 kids at the wedding we are just going to have them enjoy dinner and then go with the babysitter (as per all of your suggestions). Our dinner is late too, salad won't be served until at least 8:15 which is why the siutation presented itself in the first place! no need to feel guilty at ALL! you definitely did the right thing!
I'm not trying to be rude at all, but I think because they are attending the wedding, you should make an exception for your two attendants. If you're making an exception for your ringbearer, I think you should make an exception for your flowergirl.
Think about it this way- they are spending money to help make your day special. They will be a part of pictures all day long, the least you can do is feed them at the reception. If it's going to be that much trouble, set up an area for the two children, hire a baby sitter, and prepare a very special meal for your two special guests. All you have to do is rent a good movie, buy some coloring pages and crayons, and they'll be good.
All I'm saying is that if my daughter was a flower girl in someone's wedding but she couldn't come to the reception, I'd say, no thanks, you can find someone else to throw flowers at the ground, retrurn the dress, and politely excuse myself from attending the wedding.
Thanks,
Ashley
I thought of two more benefits of hiring a baby-sitter and having your flower girl and ringbearer there. First, having them there adavantages: you might get some great pics.
Babysitter advantages- and this is a huge one- you'll probably have a guest (or two) that will bring a kid anyway. Who knows they simply "forgot", their babysitter got sick last minute, or whatever. If you have a baby sitter on hand already for your two little attendants, you already have one on hand for those slip ups (just be sure to give her a little tip if she has to babysit more than orginally thought!).
Ashley
It sounds like you've encountered other weddings in which this girl's parents seem to disregard certain etiqutte, by allwoing her to wear pj's and roam around unattended. I'm also guessing that you don't feel comfortable discussing special arragnements with her parents out right.
With regards to the babysitter, I have a few suggestions. I think if you plan to "require" the children to leave with the sitter after dinner, that comes across as almost as rude as not inviting them at all. (Particularly if they are behaving well.) I think the best thing you can do is (either after dinner or when the kids start getting punchy) have the babysitter come in to introduce herself. Then she can let the kids in on some sort of surprise waiting for them upstairs (if they want to join her of course.) Movies and coloring are great. But if need be, share a special surprise, they weren't expecting, to entice them to go. Another suggestion, before the reception gets underway, you could have them take a tour of the babysitting room, so they can see just what fun they'll have up there.
As for pj's at the reception, that is inappropriate. You might graciously let the parents know they can store child gear in the babysitting room. Maybe say something like, "I remember you said you bought new pj's. I have a babysitter arranged. You can store the pj's with the babysitter for when she's ready to change and leave the reception." If the parent's still don't get it or somehow feel it's cute to show her off in her new pj's, you'll need to tell them or designate someone to tell them that is not appropriate at a formal reception. You can probably have the catering manager play bad cop and tell them.
I'm all for being polite and trying not to step on toes. But if someone is going to allow a child to run around a wedding reception in pajamas they can probably use a little tough love. Just my two cents.
tanya thank you so much. i think i will do exactly that. i was starting to feel guilty about asking her to go at all, but i KNOW how she has behaved in the past and even though i love her so much i just don't think it is appropriate.
thank you for your help!
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This is going to sound terrible, BUT my fiance and I are having a black tie wedding to which we are not inviting kids. The only kid invited is my cousin (ringbearer) from London since obviously he is COMING FROM LONDON. However, how do I approach telling our flower girl that it is an adults only reception? Is that really rude, since she will be in our wedding? I know that right now her mother thinks her daughter will be welcome and is planning on buying her special pajamas to change into after pictures are done (to wear at the reception).
what do i do?!?!?!