- 9 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
I’m new here but I have a feeling it won’t be long before I am an avid poster w/all the stress I am under.
My FI and I have been planning our wedding for a year. We have all the details together except for some stuff like flowers, favors, decorations… We never set an actual wedding date or put deposits down on anything because we felt we had other priorities like saving for a home.
Everytime we would try to set our wedding date, FMIL would freak out because we had other priorities, even though FI and I felt that we could take on more than just one. We only intended to book the 3 most important things: Church, Reception, Photographer. Nobody was on board with me in the planning process, not FI (too busy w/work), not FMIL, and my mom and family are over 1,500 miles away so even though they are on board, there’s not much they can do.
We will be engaged nearly 2 years by the time we have our wedding, so naturally, I have started trying to throw stuff together so that we can finally put down deposits with our 3 most important vendors. My dream wedding was February but there is snow and bad weather for my family 1,500 miles away and I didn’t want to cause them trouble or put them in danger so I went for August. Nobody disagreed with August but as time went on, we realized it will be entirely too hot and things just won’t work out so we switched to October.
My FMIL was not happy with this idea and told us that if we didn’t do August that she would be embarassed and ashamed of us because some of her family wouldn’t be able to be there any other month. October presented us with so many options and opportunities and all the dates, times and details were available to us, that we wanted. The people important to my FI and I said they would still come so we were okay with the ones she was talking about, not showing.
She is so mean. She threatens us all the time saying that nobody will come to our wedding, they will all be embarassed, we will end up divorced because we aren’t following all traditions, she tells me I’m too fat for my wedding dress(I’m 5’8, 130lbs w/an hourglass figure. I’m not fat!) tells me that everything I decide is tacky, claims she just wants her “opinion heard” but even after its heard she feels that we need to “respect her opinion” and do what she wants (as if taking someone’s opinion into consideration means doing exactly what they tell you), when she realizes she isn’t getting her way she will cry to my FI and he always gives in! Thats my peeve with him… He can’t tell her no.
Well, she begged him to have our wedding in July so FI pushed me to check for July. Just as I get done reading the email back from the lady telling me July’s availability, FI calls me and says his mom wants me to check for November too. I clench my teeth together, yank out a few clumps of hair and apologetically email the lady AGAIN to ask for November. Literally, the instant I read her reply for November, my FI calls me again and tells me to “scratch” November. Holding back tears, I ask him what else his mother would like for “her wedding” and he tells me that she says August won’t work after all, nor November, July or even September, so just go with October.
That is what I was trying to do almost the whole entire time!! Now that we have set the date OFFICIALLY, she can’t do anymore damage w/the date.
My FI has only been helping me plan the final arrangements for 3 days and he is already complaining about how stressed he is and keeps going to his mom for every decision we make and we are fighting non-stop! He should try being in my shoes for once… Then he would have a reason to complain. He hasn’t had to face any problems til now.
Well, once we set the date, his sister called me(the only sane one in the family) and apparently feels the way I do about my FI not standing up to his mom because FI told me that he and his sister talked and he is no longer going to let his mom have control. I don’t believe him…
The next day, he tells me his mom is already bossing him around on what florist to go with, which DJ, what doesn’t make sense to her about the paperwork requested from the church (he is catholic and they want a baptismal certificate, among other things) and what priest we should use.
I am so sick of her dictating and acting as if she is in charge! She even told FI’s sister that she was planning on giving us $2,000 and just walking away while telling us she wants no part in planning the wedding.
For one thing, I would LOVE it if she didn’t want to help plan! I’ve already got all the details in order and I didn’t ask her for her help anyways. Two, I know damn well that she wouldn’t give us a monitary “gift” without there being some strings attached. The instant we accept that $$ she will demand her way even more than she already does. She also thinks that she will get to invite 10-15 of her friends so “she won’t be bored at our wedding” and I am not okay with that. She expects our wedding to be extravagant and neither myself nor my FI were wanting an over the top wedding with 100 and something guests and the finest china available!
She has no access to the invitations but she will likely go out and buy her own and send them to the 10-15 people she insists on inviting!
Today, she was giving me crap over the phone about how I didn’t understand the context of the information packet from the church and all I did was QUOTE her the exact sentences from the freaking packet and she puts words in my mouth and then she “called” the wedding coordinator at the church and confirmed that every word I said was wrong. For one thing, the wedding coordinator is only there on Fridays, its Wednesday. Two, I read the packet to her just like you are reading now so how could I have been wrong?! I didn’t give her my “interpretation.” Just the facts!
My FI called me shortly after to tell me what his mom “meant to say” in the “nice” words and being as irritated as I was, I informed him that I didn’t care because she just wants to be in charge and make me look <span class=”spell” style=”color: #cc0000;”> incompetent. After knowing everything she has put me through and knowing she was out of line, he defended her and told me I was pissing him off. I understand, its his mother, but time and time again, she does this to me and he just doesn’t get it. I told him I was getting off the phone and we hung up.
Five minutes later, he texts me saying that I had to understand where he was coming from. That if he were bitching about MY mom all the time, I would understand. Again, I know its his mom and he can defend her if he wants, BUT, if MY mom were acting psychotic and controlling and demeaning to him, I would let him vent his frustratings about how big of a bitch she is! Sad thing is, I don’t even talk about his mother like that. All I said to him before he got all defensive was that “I am tired of her making things worse and how could she think i’m so stupid when all I did was read straight from the packet?! She is NOT getting any say!” (maybe not the best choice of words but that was put nicely)
And seriously, I think she has lost all privileges she may have once had because of the way she treats us!
I honestly feel like telling them that they can plan the dang thing and just tell me when to show up!! Either that or since she thinks I’m too fat for my dress, I’ll get it altered to fit her and she can walk down the freaking isle!
I am so fed up! My FI was not such a mama’s boy when he lived further away from her (right now, we live with her due to the fact that we are saving to buy a home in November) and I hope that once we move out, he will go back to that. I’m just not sure I really want to be a part of all this… They are completely going against the things I believe in. His family is superficial and fake and only care about us having an extravagant wedding that won’t “embarass” his family. I wasn’t raised that way!!
My FI is not like that either but yet he won’t stick up for what he believes in. I love him dearly and I prove it to him everyday by being strong enough to stay with him even with his family going against me and my beliefs all the time. I just don’t want this to turn over into our life after marriage…
Sorry this is soooooooo long. I just have nobody else to talk to.
How do YOU deal with a controlling FMIL when you FI won’t help you stand up to her?!