(Closed) FMIL & FI — Stressing (long)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Wow – it looks like you’ve been dealing with alot! I’m glad you’ve found the hive to give you a place to vent. Lots of other posters have talked about controlling FMIL and FIs who won’t stick up for them and the response is nearly unanimous: you MUST talk to your FI about how terrible you feel when your FMIL treats you this way and that you need him to side with you and get her to back off.

He has to understand that having his mother treat you respectfully and allow you to have a say in your wedding is a basic need (like food and shelter) for you to be happy. Then he needs to do his part to make that happen. There’s not much you can do to make his mother back off.

After you can agree on that point, you can tackle all the other issues as a team (such as making a list of the “deal breakers” for the planning process with FMIL). If he sides with his mom like this, it will most likely carry over into marriage and all other life events. The way I see it, when his mom treats you with disrespect (calling to check up on your planning, telling you you’re too fat [what the hell, btw!], etc) and he doesn’t stand up for you, then HE is also disrespecting you. And in a marriage that is just not okay.

Hopefully, you’ll be able to have a calm talk with him and he’ll see your point of view. Keep us posted!

Post # 4
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

You know as soon as we got engaged we got trouble from both moms. My mom didn’t feel like the dates we were chosing were appropriate (kind of like your FMIL) she was concerned that much of my family wouldn’t come to a wedding in a beach town unless it was their vacation as well?! I stuck to my choice and almost everyone is coming! Also FMIL has had some “being involved” issues and we definately had the “this is our relationship not ours+your mom’s” before we even were engaged (about getting engaged ironically enough) Nothing as serious as that but things have gotten better. Hang in there!!! Vent to us vs. him. We can help you get past angry to rational so you can mention your points in a way that appears more logistic vs. griping about his mom to him. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
5498 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry you have to deal with all that. You need to find a way to talk to your FI and tell him how you feel without it turning into a fight. I am lucky enough that I have a FMIL who only gives her opinion on the wedding when I ask for it!

Post # 7
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Your future MIL sounds like my mom. *hugs* I feel your pain. My future MIL is a sweetie. I adore her. But my own mom, yikes. Everything I do is wrong.

Sometimes, all you can do is just accept that some people are just nasty & judgemental. These people will never  be happy, no matter what. All you can do is try to ignore them and try to distance yourself from them.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Honestly – you and your FI need to sit down and discuss BOUNDARIES. Not just boundaries with regards to your FMIL – but how to deal with anyone and everyone. You both need to be on the same page.

Your FI also needs to step up and talk to his mom about her behaviour. She definitely sounds controlling and there is no one that can stop that behaviour but himself.

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Man oh man, where do I begin???? Like MrsBtobe said, you need to sit your FI down and talk about boundaries. Tell him that his momma boy ways have to stop now, and if not then you will seriously need to rethink your entire relationship and whether you want to take the next step.  Explain to him how you feel, use as many examples as possible, and don’t let him give you excuses!!!  He is marrying you, not his mom. 

The only reason I can see for the way he is acting is cuz you guys live with her, he feels he needs to appease her to keep the peace. But what he is really doing is fueling the fire with her and making your life impossible.  Have your FSIL over to help you drive the point home. Maybe you could move it with her to get out of FMIL’s house??

Post # 10
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Yes one of my pet peeves with my FI when we were first dating and living together was that he wanted to ask his Mom’s advice for EVERYTHING. I have no problem discussing things with parents, I do it myself. But I mean literally everything was something to ask his mom. It got on my nerves to the point that I started making snarky comments to him about her, which I didn’t really want to be doing because SHE is very kind and never over steps boundries with us.

He is way better now, if anything he counts on my too much and I want him to just get a grip and be more independent. You have got to tell him that if you’re getting married you need to be a team and he needs to be helping you out more.

I saw my mom grow up with a mother in law (my father’s mother) who was so nasty to her, I would almost say that you need to get this sorted BEFORE you get married or its gonna spell trouble. For me, seeing how much misery my mom went through with a horrid MIL, it would almost be a deal breaker if my FI wouldn’t stand up for me to his mom.

Good luck!!

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