FMIL acting odd

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

It sounds like maybe she was looking forward to baking for the wedding and that her feelings were hurt by you and your mother just ordering a cake. It’s not a bad thing to want a cake from a bakery but maybe this was a way for her to help out.

Also about the engagement photos…you don’t know what is going on…maybe money is right for them at the moment.

Post # 4
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Can’t your FI have a quiet word with her, maybe ask if there’s anything bothering her as you and her don’t seem to be spending time together as much anymore. Maybe he could explain how busy you’ve been and how you don’t need any extra complications. It sounds like she wanted to be more involved in the planning and maybe preparing some of the food etc, maybe she feels a little hurt- she might have had expectations for her sons wedding and you guys are (quite rightly) doing your own thing. She prob needs some reassurance that her input is appreciated. Is there not some wedding related job that you could give her so she feels more useful? Anyway good luck and congratulations xx

Post # 5
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@onourway13:  That’s too bad, it sounds like etchings were going great until you had to cancel the shower. Did you suggest moving it to another day like the Sunday right after, or just tell her the shower wouldn’t work? I’m just wondering what could have ticked her off so bad that now she’s pouting.

 

The cake thing is tough, because it seems like you took a job away from her after she’d already planned to get the cake, so I can understand her being a bit annoyed by that. Then again her sarcastic response was beyond childish and would have pissed me off. But maybe you should have tried to contact her about the cake beforehand to see if she was still planning to take care of it. Then if she didn’t respond, you’d be justified in removing that duty from her.

 

All in all, his mom is acting petty and immature. Can your FI talk to her about the way age has been treating you and sort of try to clear the air? I think you all need to regroup before this spat becomes an even bigger deal and his mom turns away completely. Maybe the three of you can talk and just tell his mom that you’ve noticed a change in how she interacts with you and you want to get things settled out. Passive aggressive people can usually be dealt with when you call out ther behavior directly.

 

Post # 6
Member
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

i would have just asked her to move the shower to another time same day– so you in school from 12 to 4- have a late shower at 6.

Post # 7
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@onourway13:  How far had she gone in the planning? Honestly, if she had done a lot, I think you should have arranged to miss class. Regardless of how busy you were, it was rude to accept and then back out. I suspect she may have other frustrations and/or feel left out.

Make a gesture. Visit or get her on the phone and tell her you are worried you may have offended or hurt her. Apologize again for backing out of the shower, maybe offer to let her bake for the wedding and ask her to please tell you if there is anything you’ve done that’s bothered her. Tell her how much you appreciate the loving way she’s welcomed you into the family and how much you value your relationship and her good opinion of you. See what she says.

Post # 8
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Maybe she felt like you were passively aggressively trying to get her to back off by scheduling your classes on Saturday? I know that sounds insane but given that my own FMIL is totally insane and would completely think something like that, I can’t discount it. My FMIL is proficient in what FI calls “mom guilt” – passive aggressive guilt trips and totally thinking emotionally instead of logically. I don’t know if your FMIL is like that, but since you said she seemed hesitant to approach you (probably didn’t want to overstep her bounds, my own FMIL is like this also) and then felt like she could after you got engaged, so. Maybe she thinks you were trying to get rid of her or something crazy like that.

Since you were so happy to have the relationship and stuff, I’d just ask her. Email her or something and say “Up to this point I have really enjoyed actively participating with you in wedding planning as a member of your family. I have been feeling as if you may be upset at me lately, and I wanted to check in and make sure things are alright between us. I sincerely hope I have not upset you in some way, and if I have, I also sincerely hope we can work it out. You are very important to me.” Or something to that effect. Also you can let her bake the baked goods – it’s cheaper. 🙂 Or do a half and half or something. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

@onourway13:  The fact that you offered several alternatives regarding the shower makes her in the wrong.  If she can’t push back the time or change the date, that is not your fault.  She sounds like she wants to be involved, but only on her own terms.  It’s her way or the highway, and she acts passive-aggressive to show her displeasure when she doesn’t get her own way.  You have every reason to be hurt, but I’d just try to ignore it and not dwell on feeling bad.  Maybe your fiancé can chat with her, but sometimes during wedding planning that just causes more issues.  Something about wedding planning makes otherwise reasonable people get a little sensitive and nuts.  

Hang in there! Nothing so horrible is going on that an intervention is essential unless you really want to push for a chat.  It’s uncomfortable now, but I bet after the wedding she will go back to her old self when her emotions aren’t running so strong.  She will want to be with her son and grand baby, and future grand babies.  I bet she’ll probably simmer down a bit. 

Post # 13
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@onourway13:  Ok yeah, she’s totally in the wrong. Sounds like she is a bit over sensitive and found excuses for why she couldn’t move your shower so that she could pout and play the victim. Move forward with having your FI talk to her about this and ask her what’s up. Have you told him about her drastic change in attitude?

 

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