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We are doing the same thing. I'm sure some people disagree or will disagree with it. I've discussed with a close aunt and she says, "In the end, it's your wedding. If they want to have a priest officiate a wedding, they can do it at their own wedding."
For your reference, I am 24 and FI is 25. We were both raised Catholic but both do not practice. Our friend is 23. It's $50 to have him become a Deputy Commissioner of Civil Marriages for one day and it is a legal civil ceremony. Rather than pay about $50-100+ to have a stranger do the same thing.
We wrote out our own ceremony word for word and are going to go through it with him. He'll have the text to read from during the ceremony. He's a good public speaker.
If he's a fantastic public speaker, then he's probably not going to make repeated mistakes. As for the issue of older guests taking him seriously, you have to ask yourself - does it matter? I'm reminded of when my parents got married, my dad's brother had just been ordained as a Baptist minister, and my parents were the first couple he had ever married. I think he was 28. My mom's parents were incredibly anxious; they wanted to see a copy of his papers, they wouldn't believe the marriage would really be official, they didn't take him seriously! Everyone can laugh about it now, especially since my uncle is now retired from being senior pastor of a church for something like 30 years, and my parents have been married for 38 years.
You should be married by someone you feel comfortable with and whom you feel will do well, and it sounds like you've got him. Your parents will probably feel better about it if you have the ceremony language finalized very early on and allow them to be present for the zillionth time you all run through it before the day of the official rehearsal.
I'm also asking a friend, though we and she are older. She has done a couple of commitment ceremonies for the same-sex couples in our circle of friends, and I saw her first one. It is just like any other public speaking, with a few "action" moments added in. If he is a confident public speaker and can roll with any small bumps, you guys will be fine. The number one thing is to do everything slowly: speaking, transitions, actions, etc. Hurrying causes confusion and problems.
I've been to a wedding where the friend officiated. He happened to be a bit older than 23 but that doesn't really matter, in my opinion. I think if you express to your friend how important this is to you, he'll understand that he has to take it seriously. If he means a lot to you, and you're confident in his ability to perform the ceremony, I'd suggest you still do it. I definitely understand your FMIL's reservations and she may be right. But if his hearts in the right place, a few lil mess up's won't be so bad. At least he'll get your names right! :) I'd also suggest you go over it with him a lot, and give him the text to study on his own time.
We did this exact same thing - and it worked out perfectly! He was amazing, he didn't miss a single word. As a matter of fact, he's the only one of us that didn't flub up, lol! And he's only 26. It really depends on the person, but if he's a good public speaker and not made nervous by crowds, he'll be fine. And no one will think he's not serious because of his age! I doubt anyone will really notice!
Don't let you FMIL bully you. My mom told me to say this to my FMIL whenever she rolls her eyes at one of my ideas "Oh FMIL, I understand. Back when you got married that is how they did things but now people are much more open to the idea of _____ and I know that they'll understand. And if they don't, they'll have to get over it because its my wedding and I'm the bride" Of course I've never said that word for word it has helped in a few sticky situations!
(On that note, I vote GO FOR IT! Your friend will make things even more special and if your older relatives are too old to understand that love doesn't need a 60 year old guy who has been ordained they can get over it :) )
We didn't have a friend do our ceremony, but I honestly see nothing wrong with your situation, and your FMIL should just chillax about the whole thing.
As long as your friend includes the required legal stuff, you guys will be fine. In NYS, where we g ot married, our officiant told us that all the ceremony has to include is like five minutes of legal stuff and that's it. The rest is up to the couple. So just make sure that's all covered and you guys have yourselves the best darn ceremony your guests have ever seen!
Your friend sounds like a great person to do this. If your guests don't like it or take it seriously, well, that's on them. I'm not sure why they wouldn't though.
My sister was married by our uncle. Besides the budget friendly benefits, it made for an extremely personal ceremony that was very meaningful. She is a huge Beatles fan and he tucked all of his notes into a Beatles album cover, which was a fun surprise.
Do you really care of the older guests take him seriously or not? If you and your future husband take him seriously, who cares!? Even if he stumbles over his words once or twice (which it doesn't really sound like he will), having him marry you will probably be more meaningful than any officiant that doesn't truely know you. You might even want to see what he can come up with on his own before you write him a whole "script", you'd be surprised how amazing the things he'd like to say might be.
i cant recall ive ever sat back and looked at a young minister and decided not to take him seriously based on his age or lack of. and as far as making mistakes, youtube and you will see alot of older and more experienced ministers making mistakes - it happens
i think your FMIL is over thinking the entire thing and needs to be told thank you for your concern but shut the heck up :)
Stand your ground. My dad wasn't at all happy when I told him we wanted a friend to perform the wedding. We are both practicing Christians but it made sense for us to have a close friend do the marrying. In fact, I thought it would be more special but this is because we don't have a pastor that knows both of us well only pastors that know one or the other better. Our friend was concerned that she would mess up but I told her honestly that didn't matter and it just mattered more having her do it. I wanted someone who couldn't marry people in their sleep because we wanted an original ceremony with our closest people standing with us. My dad even played the "I'm paying for it so what I want goes" card but my mom reminded him nicely it was my wedding and they are paying for what their daughters wanted regardless if they didn't like all the decisions. It wasn't the pastor that makes the marriage works. Your friend will do great and I'm sure they recognize what an honor it is.
Edit: Yes, shut the heck up. :)
Thanks for the advice everyone - I feel a lot more confident after hearing your experiences. I think we'll be sticking with our friend, and I'm not having any more second thoughts about having him marry us =)
One of my best friend's recently went to a wedding where the bride's brother and sister officiated the wedding. She (as well as others in attendance) said it was the most awkward and strange ceremony they had been to. This may be a reflection of the couple, and I doubt they had any reservations about making the decision they did.
I guess my point is - not everyone will see eye to eye with any decision, let alone who officiates. If it makes sense to you and FI about having your friend do it - and you will be happy having that person (regardless if they mess up!) then move forward. I'm sure experienced officiants mess up from time to time!!
Also - re: the age factor - if you and FI are ok with it - then don't worry about.
Friends of ours did this last year for their destination wedding and it was fantastic! If this is what you and your FI want, then stand up for yourself! if, of course, this is one of those "pick your battles" type situations worth fighting for.
FYI, please check with your town hall / registrar to make sure it is legit for an internet ordained friend to marry you (if that is how is ordination is done). PA is notorious for being a little picky when it comes to their wedding officiants. An alternative would be to get a self-uniting license and technically NOT have an officiant at all. I love the idea of friends officiating at weddings (it's how I got started as a pro wedding Celebrant!), but, in the end, you need to make sure you are legally married, too. I can legally perform weddings in NJ and New York City and New York State, but, though PA isn't too far from me, I don't do weddings there because their laws are more stringent for who can officiate at a wedding.
I'm 27 now, and performed my first wedding ceremony when I was 25. If you speak with confidence, and work to create a beautiful wedding ceremony, EVERYONE will take you seriously. I thought my age would be a problem (I think I look younger than my actual age), but, if anything, it helps to create a feeling of comraderie and friendship and teamwork instead of having the officiant as a more "elevated" status - does that make sense?
If you're confident in your friend, and confident in writing your own ceremony, I say go for it. If you're having doubts about your friend or about putting together your own wedding ceremony, you may want to consider having a professional do it. It's ultimately your decision, but it is your wedding ceremony - it's not something you want to compromise on.
In all honesty, I think I'd rather have a neutral third party officiate. Then again, I don't trust people not to come back and be all "well I officiated your wedding, blah de blah drama!"
BF's ex is a registered officiant in their home state or maybe the neighboring one, and she keeps harassing us to let her do it if/when we get married, she's done it before.
Except I don't think I'd want her doing it. Aside from the whole ex-officiating factor, I don't know that much anyone we know cares for her. I feel a bit bad about it, but apparently she's been a horrible person toward most everyone.
Ah well.
There will always be someone who doesn't like your choices but you can't let them bully you or else you will end up having regrets since you can't redo the day. Since you mentioned that this guy is an excellent public speaker with tons of experience, there won't be any problems and your FMIL has no say in the matter. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. If the guy had no public speaking experience at all, then there would be a problem and folks wouldn't take him seriously. That isn't the case in your situation so don't second-guess yourself if you really want him there in that position. Also, age is irrelevant. How is his being young and a public speaker whom you want as your officiant any different from you being young and getting married which is a huge step in life? There are a number of young people who are better at that sort of thing (public speaking) than many people twice their age. If someone doesn't like the idea of them doing it, too bad because it's not their position to comment.
I knew someone who literally paid a fee online and got the right to say a wedding. It was fine and great!
You should go for it! Your FMIL is totally wrong. It'll be really special that he's someone that knows the two of you.
Were having a friend officiate our wedding and he is going to be 25 by our wedding. He is very well spoken, outgoing and friendly so I dont really have any concern with how he will perform. This is a battle that your FMIL just isnt going to win. If this is important and meaningful to the two of you, then go for it!
I think it would be really cool! As for the "just a kid" thing... my boyfriend is 25 and an ordained minister. He's definintely not "just a kid"... tell your FMIL she's being close minded and that ministers/ officiants can be of all ages! Ha.
I second Jessieblum in finding out if this is acceptable in the area you will get married in. Here's a good article on the legal drama that has been going on over Universal Life Church ministers in PA: http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id=1202427267142
It just so happened that I was looking into this wonderful officiant (electic Unions) & I was discussing it with a close friend and she said she was ordained. I was so stunned. come to find out two more of my friends are as well.
She is going to officiate and i told my Fiance's family and they were disgusted. I don't care though, it means so much more to us to have someone who knows us and understands our love for one another rather than some stranger! His family worried said she wouldnt know what to do since she has never married anyone (she got ordained for fun).
Anyways, she is a lovely speaker, very intelligent and willing to work with whatever we want!
Go for it!! It's your wedding!
And Jessie Blum was who we were going with. She sounded amazing and came highly recommended!!
its your wedding do what you want - as long as its legal in the end, no one should be sticking their nose in it.
now i do think that underlying her thoughts might be "if its not an offical officiant, then its not a real wedding" much like highly religious folks who believe if you arent actually married in the "church" then its not a real marriage... maybe thats her deal?
but bottom line, its your wedding. do what makes you and your FH happy :)
I'm glad you're going with the friend! I've been to a couple of weddings where a friend officiated, and a friend is officiating ours. I wouldn't care what FMIL thinks!
@DanicaCherise - Hi Danica!! Thanks :) I'm glad you found out your friend was ordained - it does really make it special. As I said earlier, I got into this whole Celebrant business because my best friend asked me to do her wedding, and it was so awesome. Let me know if you need any help putting your ceremony together!!
Hi Jessie. How are you? We are going over logistics next Friday with her. We haven't panned just everything out yet but we are on our way. hopefully everything will go smoothly!!!
I will let you know. thank you so much! :)
i had a friend marry us and i regretted it. mistakes were made and i wish i went with someone who had experience.
We are having a friend officiate at our wedding, and I had only thought about how excited she was for the two of us until I read this. She beyond gets stressed speaking in front of people! To answer your question- it's your wedding, and the person is a great public speaker, and if that is who you want, then go for it. I'd pick someone who meant someone to me over picking someone I had never met, just more meaningful I think.
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We decided on a nondenominational custom ceremony since we’re an interfaith couple. Instead of paying several hundred dollars for a nondenominational minister, we asked a friend to get ordained. This guy is an amazing public speaker, and I have been in love with his voice for years (Seriously, I would always tell him to get a job that involves lots of public speaking).
FMIL is really not a fan of this idea. She says he will make repeated mistakes since he’s never married anyone before and that older guests won’t take him seriously because he’s “just a kid” (FI, me and our friend are all 23.) I am worried that she could be right. We are going to write out the whole ceremony word by word and run through it a few times together. And he’ll have the text to read from at the ceremony, but probably no other prep.
Has anyone been to weddings where a friend of the couple marries them? Do you think he won’t be taken seriously and/or mess up the ceremony?